AIBU to think my sister is resentful since I had a baby?

[Travellingpantss]

We’re 3 sisters - I am the youngest. A year ago I had DD, my two sisters have no children chose not to. Before DD, me and eldest sister were very very close, did everything together went on holiday told each other everything etc etc. I also was the one who ferried her around as she doesn’t drive and it would always be me she would call to go out when her first option (her DH) wasn’t available.. then DD was born and it all changed. She’s told me twice that I talk too much about DD then when she realised that was quite rude she tried to pass it off as a ‘joke’.
‘She barely comes round to see her niece even though she literally lives 5 minutes around the corner and rarely asks about her.
but then she has told middle sister that she feels I have made her feel bad and upset that she doesn’t have any children and that our mum and dad ‘favouritise’ me because I gave them a grandchild and that isn’t fair.
well she doesn’t come to see mum and dad (they live with me) and hardly ever did even before my DD was born. There’s no favouritism but I think she feels she is competing with a 16 month old baby, which quite frankly is sad - she’s a 44 year old woman.
AIBU to think she’s quite selfish and to confront her about it

I can understand childfree by choice people getting bored with someone talking about babies. I used to find it tedious when women who had just had babies came in to work (either visiting with the baby, or when they came back after maternity leave,) and talked about them, often to women who had already got them. I didn't have any at the time and wasn't planning any, anytime soon. I was like 🙄😴

What I do NOT understand is someone who cares so little about their own SISTER'S baby, like, their own NIECE. Being so rude, and caring so little is odd, when it's close family. JMO but I find the OP's sister's behaviour very rude and odd, and personally, I would be giving her a wide berth. See if she can find anyone else who is enough of a mug to give her lifts all the time!

As I said earlier, she sounds resentful, and jealous...

This, why are posters intent on inferring that the OP's sister is jealous? Why are some parents unable to comprehend that we are not jealous in the slightest, we are simply sick of listening to a one-sided monologue of baby talk that certain parents- not all I hasten to add- inflict on us. We have chosen not to have them for a reason and are happy and fulfilled in our choices not to. I do believe that there is some serious underlying resentment from parents who insist we must be plagued with jealously when other women procreate around us.

I’m a parent and I don’t want to hear about babies midnight blowout or how they finally took 6oz either 😅

I would guess that this is more about the role you play in her life changing than anything else. She probably misses the carefree days.

She shouldn’t be taking that out on you though.

I think I would just try to rebalance the relationship to something new over time and see what comes of it.

A lot can change over the next few years as your baby grow up.

The parents thing is silly.

But…do you talk about the baby all the time? And expect her to do the visiting? As that is really annoying

If not, she is being petty.

People can choose to be child free for a multitude of reasons, it's very narrow minded to assume all child free women don't like kids

Nobody who chooses not to have them likes them THAT much. Why do you think that's some sort of insult?

You sound like the "carer" in the family- you've cared for your Mum through cancer, you've given your sister lifts as she doesn't drive, etc. Now you're caring for your baby and you can't be as available as you previously were.

I admire your selflessness, @Travellingpantss, but be careful, you can't be there for everyone. I think your sister has to accept this as she's the person who least needs your support IYSWIM. She obviously doesn't like it, but it's tough luck, your baby and unwell Mum take precedence over a healthy 44-year-old. Longterm, perhaps it's a good thing that your relationship has changed?

You have taken a different life path. A lot of posters might say it’s because she wanted kids etc but it’s more likely that she didn’t want them and she has backed away because she’s not interested.

Does she have a point about your parents, do you think?

Meh - a baby is a baby. Of course the OP will have changed as a result and perhaps the sister just isn’t interested? New parents can be a tad intense (and rightly so!) and it’s hard trying to maintain a relationship when their life has changed so drastically

Honestly just let live. She doesn’t owe you anything really - she doesn’t have to be much in your child’s life. Families change as time passes and this is another chapter. You have a young child - it’s quite normal for you to be focussed on your child when they’re small and others to not be very involved with you. It’s sad but I think it’s normal. She might be a wonderful aunty when your child is 10. You can’t say. Just leave her be and live the life you want. Don’t burn bridges etc and think of the long game.

@babyproblems I agree. The OP should let her sister live her life and she lives hers. She can't be the same as she used to be, providing lifts, etc. The parental favouritism (if it exists) isn't something that the OP can control tbh.

What do you expect to achieve?

If you are wrong, it will end badly and sour your relationship.

If you are right, it will end worse, because if she is resentful/struggling with you having a child (which is a perfectly understandable reaction...) then being called out and confronted about it won't make it any better, and will likely blow up the situation.

Honestly, just be the bigger person, and ignore it. If you are right and she is struggling with a new baby in the family, then just give her time. it will likely get better as it becomes more normal and lives move on. You have a lovely child, focus on that and not what other people are thinking/doing.

Your sister sounds like a child herself who expects everyone to look after her. She sounds utterly pathetic.

I had this but with a cousin. She genuinely didn’t want children (so I know it wasn’t a secret jealous thing) and actually didn’t like children - even mine. Could not get her head around why I would have them. She would make out there comments too. We just drifted, things are super busy with kids and spare time is very rare. She sees my kids minimally too and that’s fine.
I’ve never confronted it. It’s just life and wouldn’t achieve or change her feelings.

People change when they have children. You don’t really notice it much but those around you see it. Some people can deal with the change, others really can’t. It’s obviously more difficult for childless people to understand. She doesn’t like who you have become.

People definitely change when they have children. I got along fine with my cousin before she had a child. After she had a child she was much more angry and much less tolerant. She seemed to think that every thing I did was me setting out to upset her daughter. She didn't make sense a lot of the time, I remember that she shouted at me in front of her daughter and then she said to me later "how dare you make me shout at you in front of my daughter. My daughter shouldn't have had to hear that."

This is such a strange comment. Lots of people choose not to have children not because they don’t ‘like them very much’ but because of many other reasons. Many people enjoy spending time with their family and friends who have children but just don’t want their own - it might be because they don’t feel they can give a child a good life, because they don’t want to give up their career, free time, hobbies, financial stability etc etc.

@Sartre In this particular case, I think it's more that the OP isn't as useful to her now for lifts! I agree that some people do change significantly when they have children though, which can be difficult.

The PP was right though - as unpalatable as some may find it, plenty of people don’t have children because they aren’t interested in them. Surely it’s more logical than people assuming fertility issues!

Not sure why it’s difficult to believe. To stay close to a new parent you have to have a massive interest in their baby otherwise you have nothing in common.

Many people prefer not to be around that. It varies.

Childfree people do understand but that doesn’t mean we want to be around when it happens as it’s hard to fake an interest if you don’t have it. (And babies aren’t exactly interesting unless they are yours 😳)

Better and less stressful for all concerned if the parent is surrounded by people who are interested in their new life, surely.

Then again, so many people on here say they are not interested in other people’s children, only their own. 🤷‍♀️

Many people aren’t interested and that’s fine.

(It always makes me laugh when people talk about ‘meeting’ a baby though, as if it’s an interactive experience 😬) - I think that might just be me though 🤣

How long ago did this happen? I thought the relationship between DSis and I was irreparably damaged after she became a mother because she was utterly vile to me - angry, judgemental, bitter, superior, you name it. It’s like she had a personality transplant.
However once she was out of the trenches and her child was about 6 or 7, she changed - not quite back to her old self, but much nicer. We are on good terms now.

Your cousin may just be going through a phase and adjusting to motherhood.

My cousin was just like that. She became completely nasty and aggressive after having a baby. Maybe it was postnatal depression? Can you have tat for years afterwards. I fell out with her for good when her baby was 18 months