AIBU to think my sister is resentful since I had a baby?

[Travellingpantss]

We’re 3 sisters - I am the youngest. A year ago I had DD, my two sisters have no children chose not to. Before DD, me and eldest sister were very very close, did everything together went on holiday told each other everything etc etc. I also was the one who ferried her around as she doesn’t drive and it would always be me she would call to go out when her first option (her DH) wasn’t available.. then DD was born and it all changed. She’s told me twice that I talk too much about DD then when she realised that was quite rude she tried to pass it off as a ‘joke’.
‘She barely comes round to see her niece even though she literally lives 5 minutes around the corner and rarely asks about her.
but then she has told middle sister that she feels I have made her feel bad and upset that she doesn’t have any children and that our mum and dad ‘favouritise’ me because I gave them a grandchild and that isn’t fair.
well she doesn’t come to see mum and dad (they live with me) and hardly ever did even before my DD was born. There’s no favouritism but I think she feels she is competing with a 16 month old baby, which quite frankly is sad - she’s a 44 year old woman.
AIBU to think she’s quite selfish and to confront her about it

She's chosen not to have children and you've taken the other road. You just don't have much in common at the moment.

Do you think that perhaps she wanted children and it didn't happen. We gave up on IVF and for years I've said I've never wanted them although I would have given anything to have had a child.

Childless by choice, but what choice, she never met the right guy, he didn't want them, they couldn't? So she has distanced herself...I did with my family.

I think it's ok for her to be disappointed that her relationship with you won't ever be the same. If she chose to not have children it will be because she doesn't like them very much and it's human to be disappointed that she now has to choose between tolerating that and not seeing you any more.

Many things are often left unsaid and I’m guessing there’s a lot your sister feels and hasn’t said. Perhaps she so wanted kids and it couldn’t or didn’t happen for her, perhaps she’s incredibly insecure or has low self esteem. If you were close why don’t you talk to her and try and resolve it.

Hmmm, yeah sadly, when someone who has been childfree for some time has a baby, they and their childfree friends (or in your case - sister,) sometimes find their friendship falls off a cliff. I lost 3 or 4 friends when I had my DC, they avoided me like the plague and phased me out! I did make 3 or 4 new friends who I met through mum and baby groups though, so swings and roundabouts.

Some people who don't have children don't like to be around people who have children.

It's not a slight or a critisism, it's just how some people are. Some childfree are fine with people with children, (including people who have children after being childfree for a long time.) Some are not.

Never sure if it's that they find mums and babies boring, or if they're jealous and resentful, or if they just don't think you're a good fit anymore, because your priorities have changed. Whether anyone likes it or not, most mums will see their children as the centre of their universe, and some people can't handle that - or just CBA with it.

Sad that this is a sister who you were close to though @Travellingpantss Give her some space, and time, she will very likely come round, She has to surely?! Your babies are her family! (Your DD is her niece...) Reading between the lines, I think she may be a bit resentful.... She should be thrilled for you, and thrilled to have a new little niece. Her behaviour is odd IMO. (I mean to behave like this towards her own sister, and niece...)

You were there to give her lifts, to go out with her and holiday with her. You’re not at her beck and call now, so no use to her.

She has no interest in your child or her parents and is using the ‘favouritism’ card to excuse her from bothering.

She’ll find someone else to ferry her round, go out with and go on holiday with and won’t care that it isn’t you, just as long as she gets what she needs.

Yanbu in that she's fucked off the equilibrium has changed.
No free lifts no holiday buddy... no liste ing to her stuff all the time... now you want to talk about your stuff too.

AIBU to think she’s quite selfish and to confront her about it
You WBU...
Its pointless and wil bring about zero change.
Grey rock / medium chill/ lots of space are the order of the day.

Congrats on your baby!

Edit:
our mum and dad ‘favouritise’ me because I gave them a grandchild and that isn’t fair.
This is honestly pathetic. Love isnt finite. Are your parents are supposed to pretend their grandchild is just a passing nobody so her nose isnt out of joint??? Bizarre way to think...

She sounds petty and childish and I really don't you can do anything with that.
100% don't both confronting her its a waste of time.

It sounds as she feels 'left out'. If you were first call for taxi/going out buddy and you went on holiday together, she must have known things would change.

It's sad that she is saying these things about you and your baby. But it's something she needs to get over. Of course you are allowed to talk about your baby. If she wants to spend more time with your parents, why doesn't she invite just them over for dinner.

I agree with the above posters, confronting her isn't going to change anything. It will only cause more friction. I am sure your parents and your middle sister think she is being unreasonable. Ignore her pouts, and comments and enjoy your new baby, given time, hopefully your sister will come round and become 'fun aunty'

. I was close friends with my female cousin before she had a child. After she had a child, our relationship changed. My cousin completely changed as a person. She became angry, nasty. She lost hert temper at me all the time. We are not close anymore

Yeah I am probably not going to confront her about it - I have to work with her as well and I can’t be dealing with the awkwardness it will create.

I just never thought she would react like this - we’ve been so close I thought she would be over the moon at having a little niece but clearly I was wrong.

as for our parents - the only reason anyone could consider me the ‘favourite’ isn’t because I had DD. It’s because whilst she was off holidaying, travelling, working and shutting herself away I was bathing, cleaning, looking after, administering medicine to, going to all the appointments when our mum had cancer twice. She had bowel cancer, had her bowel removed and then breast cancer a couple of years later. Middle sister always says how grateful she is I was here to do all of those things - big sister barely acknowledges any of that even happened.

but my parents are not the type to have ‘favourites’ I mean we’re all fully grown women!! I find it hard to accept that she thinks this way to be honest.

Oh gosh, @Travellingpantss your sister is sounding worse as you go on! She may be older than you, but she sounds fickle, unreliable, childish, and a bit of a user. I would not only give her some space, I would give her a very wide berth. For quite a while. Until she starts to grow up a bit!

You say you work with her. I think it's quite important that you try to find another job so that you're not working with her anymore. I don't think working with family is a good idea, and I would never do it myself. (I have done so in the distant past some 3 decades ago and it didn't work out for various reasons! I would never do it again!) Working with anyone I am related to, is not my idea of fun, but that's just me I guess...)

All the best. xx

Yes, all of my siblings are childfree by choice. I don’t expect them to be agog about my child.

She does sound resentful. But confrontation will achieve nothing. She probably doesn’t even know why she’s resentful. She also sounds deeply selfish and a little bit aggrieved that your attention has been taken away.

You having a child may also be shining a spotlight on her choices. Certainly I have several friends of that age without children but I can’t think of one where it has been anything other than a creeping non-choice or, in one incident confessed to in a fairly drunk moment talking about her divorce after 26 years with a very controlling man, a choice pretty much exerted by their husband - when she’s sober it’s reframed as it’s what I wanted and I could never imagine having children

Whatever her reason you just need to leave her alone to work out her own shit.

She doesn’t sound great but then you having the expectation of her being over the moon about having a niece is also quite off the mark. If she’s childfree by choice then she’s not going to start loving babies and all they bring. You are at very different stages of life now.

Playing devil's advocate, is there any chance she finds you a bit of a virtue signaller trying to score brownie points with others? Your whole post is essentially a list of all of the noble, virtuous things you have done for other people, including her. You depict yourself as the caring daughter who is always helping. My sister is like this with my parents and enlists herself to always be the one helping and dictates what everyone does at family gatherings. It is insufferable, I do an internal eye-roll and I've had to leave the room before when it became too overbearing.

The saintliness combined with the baby talk sound completely unbearable to me as a childfree by choice person. Many childfree people have made an active, conscious choice not to procreate; if she has reached 44 with no children in the family it must be a massive change for her. It must be challenging having to listen to her sister monologue about the baby when she has nothing to add to the conversation.

Op, I don't mean this badly, but you probably do talk too much about your daughter. She's currently the centre of your world. It's not a criticism - I did too.

But the lives of the people around you haven't changed in the yours has. Naturally some people will be more interest in your child than others, some will have more patience to listen to it, and some will understand this phase. However others will be less interested, and some will be willing to voice that.

There's loads of possibilities as to why your sister doesn't want to know.

I think a conversation might be useful - but go into it with an open mind and be willing to listen to her, and try to understand her point of view. Confronting her is not going to help the situation.

I mean the relationship was always likely to change once one of you had a baby.

You probably do go on and on about your dd just as every parent does when they have a new baby it’s pretty normal.

However a child free by choice 44 year old who is used to shopping, lifts and fun holidays with her sister isn’t going to be interested in much baby talk after the first couple of conversations.

People humour the 24/7 baby this baby that, can’t do that cause baby. Because they hope the old you or a version of will return at some point once the new babyitus wears off. Others just cannot tolerate someone who basically only talks about their baby and will pull away or pull you up on it.

The favourite thing will be her own insecurity as you’ve been there helping, live with them and now yeah you do have the first grandchild.

Going forward well it depends how much you want to salvage the relationship. She clearly isn’t a going to be that fun loving aunty. I’d expect that she would give gifts and card and come on big occasions but otherwise have a sister and sister relationship without the baby being involved.

I'm childfree (by choice) and some friendships fell off when friends had babies, because it can be difficult to retain meaningful friendships with new parents when you don't have kids yourself. This is by no means true of all new parents, of course.

On my side, it can be exhausting having to listen to parents talk about their children like they're the only thing in the world, you can't have proper conversations because you're constantly interrupted because the parents have to attend to the baby, nobody asks about you or your life because all they want to talk about is the baby, nobody wants to do anything without their baby, sometimes you get those 'you'll never know love like this' or whatever comments which are so patronising, and more besides. I can't relate to baby stuff, because I don't have kids and I'm just not that interested in seeing hundreds of photos of a baby doing nothing in particular or listening to parents talk about baby woes while never having any interest in anything happening in my life.

I get that this is natural behaviour, and that they just had the most important thing in the world come into their lives. I'm always delighted for my friends who have their much-wanted babies. But it does change the dynamic significantly - new parents often just don't care much about anything outside of their babies, and your sister may be struggling with that and grieving the relationship with you that she's lost. Meanwhile, you couldn't care less because you just had a new baby and everything's probably about the baby and she's feeling all kinds of things. Both sides are valid here.

I only wrote out those things for the sake of context in this post but I never ‘brag’ about the things I do. I simply just do them because they have to be done.

I don’t expect her to fall at her feet over my child - it’s really not even about that.
It’s more the things she has been saying about me being the ‘favourite’ with our parents because I had a baby and that I’ve made her feel bad but she never made an effort with our parents and that was even before my DD was born so it sounds like she’s just making excuses.

Maybe she doesn't make the effort with your parents because she has felt like this for a long time? Would you make the effort with someone that makes you feel less important than the other people there?

I know you don't think you are the favourite - but have you made any effort to see why she does?

She’s told me twice that I talk too much about DD then when she realised that was quite rude she tried to pass it off as a ‘joke’.

This isn't really rude imo.

Almost every new mum I know (and I fully include myself) talks way to much about their baby.

In the end I had to make a conscious effort to reign it in, as I realised I was boring some people.

Give her grace. As much as she loves you all dealing with jealousy and what ifs isn’t easy. She will come round. For now give her space. It’s human to feel jealous. Just want you do with it

If she is childfree by choice presumably she has little interest in kids so why would you think she’d be over the moon about yours?

presumably you can’t give her lifts anymore so she doesn’t ask.

It sounds like you’re besotted with your baby (as you should be) but can’t comprehend that not everyone feels the same way.

When I had my first baby, I realise now my dsis was terribly jealous. She was in a position with her career that meant that it would have been really awkward to have children and so I wasn't expecting her to be jealous at all as it was "her choice".

But also dm had a couple of friends who chose to be child-free, to the point the lady had her tubes tied. They admit now that the period from about 42-50yo they really struggled with the decision - they even had their tubes untied and tried ttc at about 45 in hope that they might conceive - they didn't.
They think it's because when they made the decision it was very much "oh well, if we change our mind..." whereas they suddenly realised at that age that they didn't have a possibility of changing their minds.

If she’s child free by choice, why would she be jealous or have any ‘what if’ thoughts.
Some people really, really don’t want children.