Boyfriend not considering my place in his life?

[crimsonlake]

I would value some opinions on this situation...
I have been with my partner / boyfriend for 4 years, we are in a committed relationship although choose not to live together. He will do anything for me and is the nicest kindest person.
I have 2 grown up sons who live away, he also has one son who lives away.
Yesterday was his son's graduation, I must add I have only met his son a couple of times as he lives abroad.
My bf attended the ceremony some distance away. The ex wife was obviously there and I knew beforehand she was bringing her sister and a friend along.
At the time the only issue that concerned me was I felt sorry for my bf being outnumbered on his side.
During the course of the evening alone I began to dwell on the fact which had not occurred to me before that the ex was given preference and took along 2 guests whereas my bf was expected to attend alone.
Upon bf's return today I asked how it all went and since he mentioned that during the evening celebratory meal she brought along more extra guests...
I went on to mention that I felt sidelined and as a committed couple it would have been nice to have simply been extended an invite, an invite which I nonethless would have declined as I would not have wanted to make his ex uncomfortable.
His response was 'I am not ready for that'
He clearly had not considered me at all and just accepted the situation without considering my place in his life. We have been dating for 4 years I even wear a committment ring, I then asked if his son knew how long we had actually been together? Adding he would rather upset me than risk upsetting his ex wife.
The upshot is there was no argument but after a couple of hours of strained silence he asked if he should leave, I left that up to him...so he left.
I am not a demanding girlfriend, I understand family dynamics and am sensitive to such occassions as this as I had to endure my ex h attend my son's graduation ceremony shortly after divorce.
Aibu to feel the way I eventually did?

I don’t think you going to his son’s graduation would have been right. His ex may have taken along friends (and maybe people involved in his upbringing) but dad bringing a girlfriend is something altogether different. YABU.

YABU

You've only met the bloke a couple of times.

Why would he want you at this graduation?

The graduation is a red herring in many ways. It’s not that event as such, as you realise it was a ‘family’ affair, but more the fact that dp doesn’t seem to consider you as his life partner.

Do you get invited to dp’s family getogether sat Christmas, Easter, birthdays, holidays, etc or are you ‘a secret’?

Good to know others opinions, as I said it was only later that I began thinking in these terms. I would have declined had an invite been offered, just feeling it would have been nice to have had the choice.

He clearly had not considered me at all and just accepted the situation without considering my place in his life.

Well...yes?

You've met his son a couple of times. This isn't about your place in your boyfriends life and it isn't about you or his ex. You would have had had no business being there. Graduation is about the child, not the parents new partner.

I'd apologise to him if I were you. You sound slightly like you've made one of the proudest moments of his life (his son's graduation) about you - whether or not he had a good time on the day will be overshadowed by your behaviour.

YABU this event was 100% about his son, nothing to do with you at all and it would have been weird if you were there. His son’s extended family attending is great, and doesn’t give any indication of how your boyfriend feels about you at all. Sounds more like you gave him the silent treatment at the end and then wouldn’t even say if you wanted him to go or not. I’d be pissed off if I was him

I think it wouldn't have been right for someone who had met the son twice to attend his graduation. His father, mother and aunt were there - plus this family friend. I think seeing it in terms of 'sides' is really unhelpful. You need to look at it as the family unit who have brought up this young man and are now helping him to celebrate a great achievement. I am not sure why you felt sidelined, as that seems to suggest you think you were entitled to be part of these celebrations with someone that, honestly, you barely know.

You say you're not demanding - but you think you should have been invited.
You say you understand family dynamics - but you seem to have an issue with 'sides' and also are pitting yourself against his ex by insinuating that your boyfriend would rather upset you than her.

I think you're in the wrong here. And asking if the son knows how long you have been together - that's just stoking a fire when you have already started an argument over the graduation situation. I think you owe your partner an apology.

It never crossed my mind initially to be invited as I said I was more concerned that my bf was on his own. It was only later that I felt as a 'couple' an invite could have been extended, given the ex was bringing 2 friends.

She brought one friend, and her son’s aunt. Their son probably knows these people better than he knows you. Graduation isn’t about your dads girlfriend that you’ve met a few times.

Probably friends who know the son well. You're being wildly unreasonable.

Take the hint from the PPs.

Your initial instinct was correct.
Your subsequent musings are wrong.

Take it on the chin.
Go and have a cuddle together, tell him you're sorry you had a wobble, and then just move on.

Wishing you happiness....

its prob that the people that went know the son. He’s a stranger to you. Your dp was doing the right thing putting his sons day first.

YABU to have we’ve considered you should have been invited to the graduation of his son - it’s a day for him to celebrate with people who have loved and supported him - it’s not like you are a step-parent who helped raise him which would change my opinion.

However ‘not being ready’ is a strange turn of phrase and after 4 years there should be no reason you aren’t fully integrated into his life so YANBU for that to make you feel off.

Looks like I have been aibu, so have text him to return.
My view is probably coloured by the fact my exh brought along his gf to my son's graduation.
All of my bf's family live abroad so there is little opportunity to attend get togethers.

I don’t care if you lived together or were married, you have no relationship with the son. He barely has a relationship with his son. His son lives in another country. The celebration absolutely should be focused on the people who have a day to day role in the boy’s life. His job was to show up and stand on the sidelines and that is what he did.

Rocking up to the graduation with a woman who has no role in his son’s life would be ridiculous. Why would he or anyone else consider you attending when it would be completely disruptive?

I wouldn't be bothered by this at all. As others have said, this is nothing to do with you/your ex/his ex etc. His son gets to invite whoever he wants. In any case, did you want to go to a graduation of someone you barely know? Just lean into the free time and do something you enjoy instead of ruminating over your status in your partners extended family.

Been with my partner 5 years. He went to my DS’s 21st. But he won’t be going to his graduation or grad dinner. Not fair on my ex.

YABU

Just to add I never at any stage until dwelling on things later whilst spending the evening alone considered I should have been invited.
His son got married abroad last year and that was fine, no expectation.
Thank you all, feel a bit silly now.

Hopefully you’ve text him an apology too.

Projecting your issues with your ex onto a guy that’s done nothing wrong will just leave you as a lonely single lady. Time to move on from old minor issues OP

Why would you say hes the most nicest and kindest when he has upset you? Also, maybe this could be your sign to get to know his kids more?

YABVVVU

Well if you do speak to him later, it might be best to stop pretending you were 'concerned' he was on his own or outnumbered.

He's a grown man at a family event.

No need at all for concern.

I understand why people are saying YABU re the sons graduation, but DP response of 'I'm not ready for that yet' after being together for 4 years is odd .... no?? .... after 4 years I would expect to have some sort of relationship with DP family.

I was concerned as they were all his wife's friends, and he is not on good terms following the split., although yes he is a grown man.
Thank you all, his car has just pulled up so going to apologise and enjoy the rest of the evening.

I think it would have been completely inappropriate for him to invite you to his sons graduation and I think it is a good character indicator that, despite the fact that he doesn’t have a particularly easy relationship with his ex, he did not let this be an issue. He didn’t try to recruit extra guests to be on “his team”. He made the day about his son, which is as it should be.
I think there is a conversation to be had about whether he envisages you becoming more involved with his family in the future, or not.