Boyfriend not considering my place in his life?

[crimsonlake]

I would value some opinions on this situation...
I have been with my partner / boyfriend for 4 years, we are in a committed relationship although choose not to live together. He will do anything for me and is the nicest kindest person.
I have 2 grown up sons who live away, he also has one son who lives away.
Yesterday was his son's graduation, I must add I have only met his son a couple of times as he lives abroad.
My bf attended the ceremony some distance away. The ex wife was obviously there and I knew beforehand she was bringing her sister and a friend along.
At the time the only issue that concerned me was I felt sorry for my bf being outnumbered on his side.
During the course of the evening alone I began to dwell on the fact which had not occurred to me before that the ex was given preference and took along 2 guests whereas my bf was expected to attend alone.
Upon bf's return today I asked how it all went and since he mentioned that during the evening celebratory meal she brought along more extra guests...
I went on to mention that I felt sidelined and as a committed couple it would have been nice to have simply been extended an invite, an invite which I nonethless would have declined as I would not have wanted to make his ex uncomfortable.
His response was 'I am not ready for that'
He clearly had not considered me at all and just accepted the situation without considering my place in his life. We have been dating for 4 years I even wear a committment ring, I then asked if his son knew how long we had actually been together? Adding he would rather upset me than risk upsetting his ex wife.
The upshot is there was no argument but after a couple of hours of strained silence he asked if he should leave, I left that up to him...so he left.
I am not a demanding girlfriend, I understand family dynamics and am sensitive to such occassions as this as I had to endure my ex h attend my son's graduation ceremony shortly after divorce.
Aibu to feel the way I eventually did?

You say you wouldn't have gone anyway but are upset there was no invite. It's contradictory and sounds like you're just being hard work.

You probably already feel sidelined and the graduation is just the trigger and let this emotion surface. There might be other things that make you unimportant or not important enough to him.

Were you expecting him to invite you and then you decline? What if you didn’t decline? How was he to know. Yabu, it’s not the time or place for that

And it’s odd, perhaps telling that OP calls him her BF at her age and after 4 years? Doesn’t sound like the most committed relationship which may be what’s really behind the feelings OP is relating in her post.

But the ex didn’t bring two friends. The lad’s Aunt was there, and most likely a family friend he has known for years.

You don't know the son. You didn't expect to go to the sons wedding... so why you'd muse about his graduation is a bit wild. A graduation is generally a small celebration with very close people.

Your bf is an adult. He wasn't attending alone.... he was attending a family event. He was with his son.

I find it very strange that you would make your boyfriend feel guilty and like he needed to leave because you wer throwing your toys out of the pram. You're not kids.

Reading between the lines, graduation invite or not, I think your “boyfriend” was looking for a way out and you offered him the catalyst to walk away on a plate.
He might come back but I think you’ve got “stuff” to get sorted out in the commitment arena, ring or no ring.

4 years!!! Sounds like neither of you are serious about moving it forward. His actions demonstrate this

So you were only bothered once you found out his ex had extra invites? Odd

You're upset that you weren't invited but if you had been you would have declined the invitation?? Really?? So you're spoiling his enjoyment of a big event in his life over this?? YABU.

His wife’s sister is his son’s auntie. Her friends have probably been involved in his upbringing since he was little. I love my Mum’s friends, I refer to them as my auntie.

I cannot imagine in what world I would invite my dad’s girlfriend to my graduation. They got together when I was an adult and she means nothing to me. Totally inappropriate to expect to be invited.

4 years and he's not ready for that?

Forget the graduation as that is very specific.

You are wasting your time with him.

I agree with others that the graduation is a red herring.

What is the wider picture like? Do you feel an involved part of his life in general?

YABU, agree with other posters, if you regularly got together with the boy/ knew him better that's different. You need to apologise to your DP.

Just as an update all is fine, he returned and we spent the rest of the weekend together.
Despite what a lot of you think, it was never initilly about me, I simply began overthinking about the other guests....
Not that I am sure it will change anyones minds and hopefully I won't be accused of drip feeding...
However I should have clarified it was a Doctorate ceremony graduation, son is 35 years old and married.

That makes no difference whatsoever.

I agree with everyone else on this thread, and it seems yesterday, you had come round to accepting YWBVVVU.

Clearly he’s not that committed.

A bit off that you weren’t included in the wedding invite as a partner of four years, have you actually met his family or attended anything as his partner?

Absolutely this - you are not unreasonable to want more after 4 years. The graduation ceremony is a red herring.

What did he mean by “I’m not ready for that yet” ??

Not ready for what?

For you to be seen as his long-term partner?

Maybe he knows you’d have declined?

Would you want to invite someone to something important to you knowing they would say no?

Maybe he doesn’t want to set himself up to be turned down and feel unimportant to you?

I think the graduation is a catalyst to a much needed conversation about where you both see this relationship going.

You've only met his son twice. Son doesn't care about his dad's GF, you have no place in his life, and this day was for him.

Your thinking about sides is an adversarial position and inappropriate for his graduation.

Your bf isn't going to include you on his family life and he just flat out told you so.

You're being entitled and unreasonable.

Double post

I get what you mean but that was totally the wrong event to make an issue.