Making memory books after poor prognosis

[Memorymaker]

I am looking to do some memory books for my kids age 8-12 just incase due to a poor prognosis of illness.

I am doing the usual ‘who are you mum’ but it seems so ‘light’.

I want to do something that captures our family values and the strengths I see in them already.

We are very liberal so not ‘rules’ by any means but I really want to get down to the nuts and bolts of what things inspired us as parents, what we feel a positive relationship might look like, how we are able to argue and make up etc, what we may have feared and overcome, general stuff like family motos, traditions and lovely memories about them interspersed.

We really have had a lovely life and I want them to see the love and values we poured into them so far

So my question is what else could we/should we include?

I really want them to feel what our family of 4 was like rather than just knowing my childhood nickname.

You could do both. The I was born on, my mum was a teacher, dad a bin man type of stuff and a section on: These are the values we live by, this is who I want you be: honest loyal, open minded etc. tell them what you want them to know

Remember these books will be read and read again. Put in an envelope for when they get married or have kids...you will be talking to your future adult children not just the age they are now.

My mum died when I was 17, dad when I was 24. I wish I had been mature enough to have a few serious conversations with mum. I did with dad.

The other day I had a panic attack that I was in a room, and I couldn't see anything that my mum had known. She's been dead for 40 years this year. I reassured myself by moving something in, so every room has something she and dad knew. So these books will be cherished.

Finally, I am so sorry to hear that news, I do hope you do everything you want to. Perhaps do a video message because I find it hard at times to recall my mum's face and when I do it was from when she was ill. Also lots of photos, get them off your phone now and get them safe.. I don't have any pictures of me, mum and dad, the three of us together.

Thanks so much for the response. Yes I have thought about how we live as adults and decisions we have made. I want to get ideas around the balance of making time for yourself and being a mother and a woman and their birth stories etc.

I am currently printing out photos too (the main ones from 150k of them on my phone), using a service to make my Facebook posts into a book, doing 1 second everyday videos for their lives and then looking at my phone video and audio footage to make videos.

I’ve secretly recorded me putting each of them to bed along with our chats, blessings and me singing.

Its been heartbreaking but if there’s anything I could do to make this easier for them and their dad I will do it and not leave it too late

I'm sorry to hear of your prognosis, and your memory book plan sounds beautiful. 💐 Every month I write my kids a note on things they've done, achieved, struggled with or little anecdotes about them and our life. I think the little things show the love more so than big grand documentation.

I also keep a list of our family traditions for each holiday, with pictures. So one day when they're grown, they'll be able to sit down and see all the Christmases we celebrated together, plus all the little traditions that made up the magic.

I’m so sorry for you. There are some lovely ideas here already but maybe just start writing free flow anything goes , thoughts, doesn’t matter if jumbled up. Next day get it out and think what you want to include / exclude and write it up properly? What about some family history? Like small little nice things about your own family (parents, grandparents etc) that no one will tell them apart from you? It’s completely different but my own dad passed away last year and I’ve been making a note of his funny sayings and phrases to write down for each of their baby books where we keep special things.

I don’t have any suggestions, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Can I add something as someone who works for a funeral director, write down or tell your husband if you can what you want at your funeral. It will I assure you make things easier for your husband. I'm perfectly ok but I've done my wishes.

I've picked the music and I am going to write what I want said.

Your local funeral director will be more than happy to help I am sure

Thanks yes I’ve gone through with my mum some basics around what I want funeral wise and a friend is a minister and I’ve made notes for her.

I have also done a lot of research around child bereavement and the local resources available and resources for my husband such as WAY and strong men

But good idea for more wishes for funeral being noted as making it easier for him as I was thinking I don’t mind but you are right those choices will be hard for him and easier for me

I'm sorry you're facing this. My mum did a few different things but nothing like what you seem to be describing exactly. Memory boxes, a letter. What matters most to me about the letter isn't what it says, but that she wrote it for me.

There is no way she could ever have filled in all the gaps or answered everything I've wished I could talk to her about, but what brings me comfort is how much love she poured out for us by doing those things and trying to find ways to care for us after she died.

I would caution against writing letters for life stages as it can become a burden and be more painful as they won't reflect who they are by then and it can overshadow special days, especially if their life doesn't take the path you hope (e.g. don't get married and don't have children).

I would just focus on the here and now, putting the arrangements in place that matter to you, setting aside the things that you are able that are special, and most importantly being with them in the moments you have.

Please don't put pressure on yourself to achieve perfection. No matter how much time we have there will always be more we wanted to say and do. That's the nature of loss and endings, it doesn't mean that what you've done isn't precious.

Yes our Christmas Easter and other holiday traditions are going in the book from my notes files.

Also things we do/places we love to visit in summer/winter/holidays etc and nightime things we enjoy.

Thanks for your wishes. Our life has been so amazing, loving, privileged and perfect (within normal boundaries). Very happy loving family with happy healthy kids and loving great husband - just absolute love of my life.

Worked so hard to balance work and being a mum so could do pickups for years and spend all our time with them. We have such a happy, positive family life I just want them to manage moving forward without me.

Re the funeral, my mum picked the venue, the music and readings and who she wanted to speak about her life (and asked them to speak). I am not sure how much else she chose but my dad then poured his heart and soul into making it perfect for her.

That’s so lovely! I know my husband will be amazing but he will have so much to juggle and I want him with the children.

Our current messages to each other are making us out to be the best couple that ever lived so hopefully he can draw inspiration from those.

So sorry for the loss of your mum

Honestly, you have given them their core sense of being loved and safe, and they will carry your love and nurturing inside them always. That I can assure you. 💐

This is helpful. I might write about why I won’t do letters for different occasions in the main book but refer to memories of our wedding that made it so special so they could look back at them and maybe incorporate some details (like a flower) if wanted to

What about the future - what you want to say to them on their last day of school, their 21st birthday, get their first house, their wedding day, birth of their children.
Maybe advice you would give if they have a messy break up, lose their job

I love that idea. I think that's wonderful.

Thanks so much that made me well up a little. I’m so proud of their characters and I’m really hoping that the age of 7 being their core sense of self with help push them through (and their amazing dad).

I now don’t regret having them in our bed for years. Memories I cherish

These are great ideas yes thanks

That's good. As I said I work for a director and even the stupid things like does the family walk in to the chapel after the casket or do they go in and wait. What do you do with the flowers, leave them or take them can be agonising for the family as they are often made on the spot. So the more you plan the better.

My cousin did leave wishes for funeral but also said “or whatever my mother would like or will make things easier or better at the time”. So if you have as an example said that C would do a reading but then C just can’t and D does that will be absolutely fine for C without feeling guilt about letting you down.

Firstly , I'd just like to say how absolutely incredible you are . To be going through something so truly heartbreaking and yet being so thoughtful and doing things that will undoubtedly improve your children's lives.
I've lost my mum quite recently, obviously no two greiving processes are the same and I am an adult . I know that whatever you do / say/write / sing / record and laugh along to will be absolutely cherished beyond words.

I'm truly sorry you are having to go through this .

Thank you for this thread@Memorymaker. I am very sorry for your prognosis. I need to do something similar but have been in denial. I have done the practical stuff but not the memory book.

Thanks so much! I’m so passionate about whatever I can do. I want them to know how much they are loved.

Also strangely I want them to know that for all this situation is awful and I so so wish it wasn’t happening, I don’t actually feel unlucky. I’ve had 20 wonderful years with my absolute best friend and a myriad of adventures with him and I got my dream family for 12 years and we crammed in life every day bringing them along on these adventures.

From going to the Olympics to doing a family nightime walk before bedtime and getting ice creams while debating favourite school dinners we approached everything with gusto and positivity and humour and just love life. Some people don’t get half of that.

i don’t want them to lose that in their grief. Their dad is amazing and they have a large extended family and friend community

Yes that sounds like my birth plan ha ha. I would like this but not big deal of something else better for baby’s safety blah blah ha ha.

Great idea though to caveat things. I’ll be honest I don’t care what they do on my behalf but more for kids as know they will want to come

Really good points so a bit random but these points are the ones I am interested in clarifying. So ideally I don’t want the coffin at the front. I would prefer it to be at the back or side or a room that people can walk out through to pay their respects at the end of the service but kids and my husband can leave separately and have a minute before joining everyone outside.

I want the kids seated first and I don’t want the whole coffin arriving thing being carried being seen by them. Also no carrying in by relatives, undertakers can do that once everyone’s in the room.

We will have a blessing at the local church that my older catholic relatives will attend and then the coffin will go up to the crem.

I get tradition but don’t want to harm my kids.

My friend is a humanist minister so she can do eulogy so kids shouldn’t feel it’s a stranger.

Its a modern crem so want to know options and things that feel like a tribute kids can do that don’t revolve around the coffin.

They will know it’s there but don’t want it bang in their line of vision.

It’s bloody awful isn’t it! It’s been a rollercoaster