Making memory books after poor prognosis

[Memorymaker]

I am looking to do some memory books for my kids age 8-12 just incase due to a poor prognosis of illness.

I am doing the usual ‘who are you mum’ but it seems so ‘light’.

I want to do something that captures our family values and the strengths I see in them already.

We are very liberal so not ‘rules’ by any means but I really want to get down to the nuts and bolts of what things inspired us as parents, what we feel a positive relationship might look like, how we are able to argue and make up etc, what we may have feared and overcome, general stuff like family motos, traditions and lovely memories about them interspersed.

We really have had a lovely life and I want them to see the love and values we poured into them so far

So my question is what else could we/should we include?

I really want them to feel what our family of 4 was like rather than just knowing my childhood nickname.

If they don't hit the milestone they don't know there is a message - the suggestion isn't to give the children all of the messages straight away - but at the right time to give the letter or the video message.

I accidentally clicked on YABU, sorry. So sorry to hear about your prognosis.

Thank you @MemorymakerI fell down a bit of a hole yesterday evening looking at books/scrapbooks etc and thinking about how to structure my book. Lots of crying was involved!

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it’s horrific.

i guess my biggest problem is that I’m not sure what time I have left. It could be 3 months or 3 years. (Cancer). My son is 18 and we’ve been getting him (as unimpacted as possible ) through his a levels . Just a few weeks to go and then , hopefully, he’s off to university in September. Fingers crossed. He’s chosen to go to uni in London (we are in Berkshire so not far away) and my concern is that he’s chosen London so that is close to DH when the time comes.

I’ve sorted some photos of DS and I and I’ll ask DH to see what photos he has too. I love the ideas of “favourite” bits and pieces: recipes and stories and videos. So lovely 🥰

I have put some “thanks” on posts. I hope the posters realise that I don’t mean thanks, I mean “beautiful thoughts, so kind of you to share these with op” but they don’t have that!

That’s the main cruelty with this horrible disease. If you knew exactly how long you had you could plan, but so many treatments are new and could you be the one who gets that rare extra 9 months or miracle 2 years? Or will you get a few months of awful side effects eating into your time left?

I would love to just be given a date and I would stop all treatment and just live as fully as I could.

Many many of my wishes to you, you are so strong getting him into university and that must also be a comfort to you

I actually secretly recorded lots of sound clips of Christmas Day round the table this year. Just large extended family telling stories and laughing and kids singing and stuff. I’m so glad I did xx

Love to you and your family xx

It really is cruel 😢 as you say, it could be a couple of months, or with incredible luck, a couple of years. The IFA and solicitor ask whether I’m 12 months away from passing and I just don’t know! Trying to sort DS’s loans and other financial issues is exciting as I am usually the money person in the household but I’m trying to get DH involved!

it’s so lovely that you had such a wonderful Christmas xx I absolutely love that you have had this opportunity, it’s great.

We are seeing my parents, sister, niece and possibly nephew on Wednesday so that will be a good opportunity to get some stories.

Christmas was odd as I knew it was likely bad but everyone else thought it could still be relatively mild.

It meant I got to let them have a normal amazing Christmas which was actually better for me x

Thank you so much for your reply . Honestly, it's so heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time . Your message radiates love . If I can feel it ( a stranger online ) then I'm so very sure how loved your children and husband will feel .
I agree with the poster saying your posts on this thread could be included . I think the more things included the better .
To the other people on this thread , ventress and any others in the same position, again I am so sorry . The very fact you can think of others whilst going through so much is so incredible.
For me , I miss my mum's voice , laugh and replay endlessly videos and cherish her handwriting on anything . I found a birthday card saying she loved me , which meant the world . So a personalised letter saying that would be priceless I'm sure.

If there is anyone else out there who cannot do a lot; due to pain, fear or exhaustion I'm sure your family will deeply cherish whatever you leave.

I'm not good with words but loves endures .

My best friend recently died. I am God mother to her children. I'm making them a scrap book with stories from over the years and I'm going to add photos etc. She asked me.to keep her memory alive and I will keep my promise. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you lots of love ❤️

i mentioned my cousin earlier. I’m an adult but something I found bit hard was because he wasn’t old almost everything was about celebrating my cousin’s life. There almost wasn’t a public acknowledgment that it is sad when someone dies and that it’s ok to mourn as well. (I didn’t have a bereavement as a child so not sure what charities such as Winston’s wish recommend regarding this and children.)

Maybe this is more because I was growing up (I’m late 40s) it went bit far the other way, with more only wearing black and being sad, no colours.

Would you consider reading one of your children’s favourite stories so they can listen again and if they have children themselves they can hear you read it?

I say this as I wish my DDsd could have done this as there was one story he read to siblings and I as children, over and over at our request and no one could ever read it like him and I’d have loved to have had all my DC hear it and understand why it was so special.

I have the last birthday and Christmas cards that my Mum sent to me. I get them out every year and I look forward to putting them on the mantle piece. I still feel the love in her shaky handwriting and I get such happy joy from knowing she is wishing me a happy birthday.
Maybe make sure that the cards you send are extra special.

I have made recipe books for my kids and had them properly printed. There is no spag bol as good as the one you grew up on.

Favourite family recipes.

I don’t have anything of my mum’s (long complicated story) except for her recipe book. I value and treasure it. Now she’s gone I can’t ask about x y z we used to cook but I do have the majority of the recipes.

Your bravery is beautiful and I wish you and your family the very best xx

Snap! Yes you cannot ever make something as good as your mums. My mum made the best tuna sandwiches - mine are nothing like hers even though they are exactly the same simple sandwich!

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. But you sound like a really loving, caring mum. And they’ll know that, carry that in their hearts, their genes. Write some of the things you have written on this thread. You shine out of your posts:

I just wanted to say that actually, things like your childhood nickname actually might be important to your kids. I'm in a different situation, in that my mum is the one who is dying and also can't talk any more. There are so many silly little questions that I never asked her and can't now. I'm much older than your kids. I should have asked these things before and I can't ever ask them now. I wouldn't mind at all having a whole list of silly little details about her life, I'd love it. I kind of feel like I might just do it anyway for mine even though I'm fortunate enough not to be unwell, just in case they ever want to know stuff they didn't ask. I think absolutely anything you can give them will be valuable, no matter how trivial it seems to you.

Sending you lots of love and hoping that your time left is as good and as long as it possibly can be.

So sorry for all of you going through this. What incredible mothers and partners you all are. OP what about making sure the link to this thread is saved or a copy of the whole thread archived so that they can read it when they're much older? Maybe it wouldn't be appropriate but I feel like I would love to, you and your love for them certainly jump off the page x

Sorry OP. What a lovely, brave post.
A few more ideas: a list of your favourites books, films and music - and of the stories you most enjoyed together. Videos of you and each child talking to each other. Family lore from your own extended family/childhood. A story about how you and your DP met. Your and your kids' favourite dinners. Their funny mispronunciations when they were little. What you liked/excelled at at school. Pages from their health book (it was red in my day) - my adult children find these oddly fascinating! Your favourite colour. A photo of you in your most beloved outfit. Stories about the trouble you got into at school.
Probably most important of all, a bit about things you weren't so good at, times you went wrong. So they can see that it's ok -and normal - to make mistakes.

I love what you’re trying to do for them! I’m with those who caution a bit against anything that could be a burden of expectations. Assumptions about how they’ll chose their lives, values etc can weigh heavily. A friend suffers because she thinks her dead dad would be so disappointed that she’s living in a same sex relationship and hasn’t had a well paid career (she is a childminder and absolutely loves what she does - but she had top grades in school so everyone assumed she’d be a doctor lawyer or similar). So maybe something more ‘I know you’ll find your way. Live your life and don’t worry about what I’d think. I’d be proud of you whatever life choices you make’. And it’s important you share not just the everything is wonderful but also any struggles or wrong turns you took, because invariably they will have their fair share of that. And they’ll feel inadequate if you were this superhuman without faults that people often become after they die.

your live for your family is so clear, it is this that will see them through.

An amazing Christmas is just the best though @Memorymaker- you are an incredible mum ❤️

I wasn’t super well at Christmas so DH and his sister did Christmas dinner but we did have venison which was DS’s choice. Hopefully I’ll still be here at Christmas and it will be a better meal (DS is 18 so food is very important 😊 )

thank you for such a great thread- if it’s okay with you I am going to point the cancer support thread I’m on (on mn, not external) at this conversation as it’s so helpful 💐

My scrapbook has arrived! I’m going to start writing this afternoon I hope

Wonderful I’m hoping to do some more writing this afternoon with all these new ideas.

Yes 100% fine to link to cancer support xx

Hello ,
Just one more thing I was thinking about . Don't think it's been mentioned . How about your scent . Both natural and if you use a particular perfume . Perhaps a scarf for each child , that smells of you ? Or something similar , and maybe a perfume in a bottle also that you use ?
Best wishes to you all .

Maybe make (separately) a list or little photo book of things you think they should save, explaining what you know of who you inherited this from and who originally owned it, what it reminds you of, whether it might be worth money. (Your wedding and engagement rings are easy, but do you have a necklace your gran gave you, a box your grandad made by hand, that kind of thing). They won't be able to save everything forever. Help them figure out what can go.