Making memory books after poor prognosis

[Memorymaker]

I am looking to do some memory books for my kids age 8-12 just incase due to a poor prognosis of illness.

I am doing the usual ‘who are you mum’ but it seems so ‘light’.

I want to do something that captures our family values and the strengths I see in them already.

We are very liberal so not ‘rules’ by any means but I really want to get down to the nuts and bolts of what things inspired us as parents, what we feel a positive relationship might look like, how we are able to argue and make up etc, what we may have feared and overcome, general stuff like family motos, traditions and lovely memories about them interspersed.

We really have had a lovely life and I want them to see the love and values we poured into them so far

So my question is what else could we/should we include?

I really want them to feel what our family of 4 was like rather than just knowing my childhood nickname.

Happy for you to reach out for anything. I’m sorry you are in this situation too

Could you write out your favourite family recipes or even do a real time cooking video to accompany the volumes?

I am so very sorry you are facing this and I am sure you have brought up strong, happy, caring children.
When I lost my daughter, her eldest son told me that he did not want everyone sitting and looking at his mummy in her casket. So my vicar suggested just very close family at the chapel in the morning and we stood around her in a circle holdings hands during the service.
In the afternoon we held a service of thanksgiving for her life in the church and anyone was welcome to join us. There were 300 people there. Her youngest son who was 8 would not go to the chapel but came to the afternoon service.
We found that Child Bereavement UK were very helpful. I did a 5 week course with my youngest grandson and his daddy and he has since had further counselling with them.

I hope this helps. Sending a big hug x

So sorry about your prognosis, @Memorymaker .

Your post made me think about the memories I treasure about my own mother, although I was well into middle age when she died.

I often think about tales she told me about her own childhood, daft things she got up to with her sisters, her fox terrier that had an irrational hatred of boys in wellington boots, how bossy her older sister was, how they hated going to visit Auntie Violet and once ate loads of crab apples so they'd get the squits and wouldn't have to go. And how she met my father, stories from her days as a nurse in the Wrens, that kind of thing.

It's the stories from when she was young that really give me a sense of the person she was.

I love this idea! It’s a good point as some recipes I just re-find online.

Thank you for this post, I have lots of thoughts but haven't committed them to paper for my husband and teens, it's given me the motivation I need, I haven't got long left.
I haven't communicated my wishes for my funeral as I won't be there, it's not for me but this thread has made me rethink.
A question about photos; we don't have any recent ones of us because I am very different to how I looked a year ago and I don't want them to remember me like this. Would you rather have recent photos or not?

Say this, and more of the same. I can get the sense of who you are and what your wonderful family is like from this post.

Do tell them some of the stories from your childhood that are just funny or specific to you. I love the stories from my mum's childhood and my granny's childhood. And also learning about the messes they got into helped me be kind to myself (and in turn to my children)

So sometimes those little stories can be just as powerful as the deep and meaningful stuff

My partner was diagnosed with cancer when my youngest was 4 and my eldest was 9 with twins between those two.
We bought them scrap books and just encouraged them to put anything they liked in there.
They still go back to them 20 years later to look at the leaf, the crisp packet, the toe nail clipping, the stone, the drawing etc. that they put there. It's memories, and it helped them and to a degree it helped me.
I hope you can do the same @Memorymaker

Great, I’m glad someone has done this as my feeling exactly. I think we shall do similar.

Child bereavement are in the bereavement book which is already done.

Incase anyone is using this for ideas too they have linked with Winston’s wish now and have great resources.

WAY widowed and young also have great resources including a children’s grief book a month along with activities which I’m going to ask work to buy rather than a donation. I know they will want to do something personal for the kids.

That’s a lovely idea actually I will add to the list.

That’s great advice. I’m also going to ask my very close knit group of girlfriends to get together afterwards and to tell stories and record/transcribe or pre bring stories that my bestie can pull together in a book for my kids. School friends group can do the same. There are some absolute corkers too just silly hilarious tales that we have laughed about for years.

It’ll be nice for them to get together and laugh, cry and share stories too.

This might actually be nice as my kids will turn 18/21 very close in date (I fudged the dates in my op) and this might actually be perfect for a bit after then when more appropriate

Thanks so much it really means a lot and why I know what I am doing is so important.

I don’t want them to lose that knowledge while
navigating the grief

Im so sorry to hear your news .You sound amazing .strong and kind .Your children will remember you so well .Dad died when I was 8 and I would have loved this sort of memory book.I wish you well and feel sad for you .You have given them an amazing life

I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I can only comment from my own experience on photos and it may be different for everyone. I have a photo taken with my mum towards the end which is painful to look at but it was taken in a moment of lightness and it is comforting because it takes me back to the moment of closeness with her. I do also have a few photos when she did look much more poorly which I struggle to look at, but I found comforting to have - again because they were taken when something special was happening and they connected me to that moment with her. When I look at them it's to connect up with the memory of that moment together not how she looked at the time.

I keep those photos safe and the ones I have on display are happy photos from various different times in her life which are easy and joyous to look at. That's true of my whole family.

Irrespective of photos, I do remember how my mum was when she was very poorly but the memory of her that I carry around with me day-to-day is not marred by her illness. It's a collective memory of the life we shared and the lovely mum she was.

So if there are moments you are sharing together where you would otherwise have taken photos, I would probably still take them and trust that they won't dictate how you're remembered.

So sorry you are in this position too. I could find nothing online posts so I’m really glad I’ve posted if people can use it like I will. I’m not going to do recent photos I’ll be honest as I have lots from last year and before and I don’t want them to remember this time to be honest and lack of hair does bother them.

I had same thoughts about funeral but now think that they may feel like they had made the ‘wrong decision’ which in my eyes there isn’t one so my input may help but I’m going to tell my husband that if my kids wanted to make any choices like flowers or picking poem or song to absolutely use their choices.

I mostly want to make it easier for them and for them not to feel a weight of responsibility. I’m not fussed about all that and don’t think it matters. They could all go for ice cream for all I care

Thanks so much. Is there anything else we can do.

I almost don’t want to ask but have you managed a happy life

Sorry for your loss xx

The love that you have for them shines through in your posts, I think that no matter what you put together for them it'll radiate through that too. They're going to go through life knowing fundamentally how adored they were by you.

You mentioned your birth plans in one of the comments - I think that would be quite special to include if you still have a copy.

Also a recording of you reading their favourite childhood stories if you're comfortable, for grandchildren one day.

I really liked the idea one PP had of getting them to do the scrapbooks - getting them to co-create could be something really special. Maybe an interview style recording or picture - all of your favourite things together as told by them.

You're going to live on in so many ways for them though, that even if all you left behind was the family you've created that's so so special. They're going to remember you in favourite places and favourite smells, and shared family memories.

This is the most beautiful, poignant, bittersweet post i have ever had the privilege to comment on. @Memorymakerfrom one stranger to another i wish you and yours joy, peace and my upmost respect as you navigate this un-navigatable journey you all find yourselves on.

Good that can be all arranged. We did a funeral last week where I drove the family and the casket was taken to the crematorium first, then they came in later. You can sort whatever you need, and it's great that you know the celebrant because with some it does seem like a cut and paste job

Memory maker .you have it all covered I think.nothing else I can think of.i have had a happy life generally, obv not a bed of roses,sometimes difficult. Still miss him and he died a long time ago now.one thing that gives me great comfort is my cousin who remembers him well .we can talk a lot and she remembers him little snippets are lovely. Take care OP .you sound so caring and thoughtful . Sending hugs to you all xx

@Memorymaker you are amazing and I’m sorry you’re needing to this. I’m really grateful that you’ve started this thread as my husband is in end stage young onset dementia and I have time to time thought about doing a memory box on his behalf for our teenage son. This has given me ideas and inspiration to get started. Much love and strength to you.

How about memory bears made from your favourite outfits for them.

My mum died when I was 16, many years ago now. What I wish I had are the family stories that are now gone. Not just us, but wider family. Also I had forgotten her voice until I found some videos recently

I don't agree with this. They may never achieve some of those milestones. I didn't and would have felt like a failure, or like I hadn't lived up to my mother's expectations.

I'd just focus on the here and now, tell them how wonderful they are and to enjoy their lives as best they can, and how happy and proud you are of them.