Are my friends ungrateful and spoilt or am I unreasonable?

[secretgoose]

I’m 32 years old and obviously my friends are a similar age.

I absolutely love all my friends but I often find the way they treat their parents really cringey. My parents aren’t in my life, which is my choice. I’m aware that my perspective could be warped which is why I’ve come here.

Things they do that have annoyed me. One of them booked a holiday, paid a £50 deposit but then didn’t read the payment terms and realised she couldn’t gather enough money to pay the final balance in time. Her parents have paid it for her. She’s 34 years old and talks about wanting to try for kids soon and I wonder how that will work.

Another friend lives at home with her parents, only child. She entered a group chat to say her Mum has been annoying her and her Mum kicked off because she always cooks dinner and does everything. And i empathised with her mum thinking well she’s got a 32 woman child at home, and a husband, both not pulling their weight. I simply asked my friend how often she cooks at home and she said she doesn’t but when she lived with her last romantic partner she didn’t cook then either. I just find it wild how you can take your mum for granted like that.

Another friends car got a warning light. Her Dad came and got her, drove the car home. He’s then inspected the car, ordered the parts, will fit the parts and has paid for the parts. He isn’t even a mechanic. Her response was to complain about how much he moans whilst doing it! I said let him moan and take the saint out for dinner for goodness sake.

I just find it wild. I am also HUGELY jealous. I would love to have parents like theirs. They don’t know their bread is buttered.

My parents often helped me and I helped them, we were very close. When they got older and eventually died when I was 42, I just got on without them, it was great having the love and support, the backup, it didn’t mean that I couldn’t live without their support, it was lovely having it.
I think it’s just one of those things that you don’t notice when it’s the natural order for your family.
My DM was an active mother for all of us until she died. She enjoyed it, we were her thing, we looked after her too.

My dad loved fixing things, it was how he showed his love and so I’d ask him for help with things I was perfectly capable of doing as it made him happy and feel involved in my life. So I totally understand the car example.

The holiday thing is wild to me though.

I would have thought the same as you a few years ago but honestly I’m a few years ahead of you with two teens and a 10 year old and feel a bit differently. My husband and I have done absolutely everything on our own , not a cent with help or a second of practical support with our 3 dcs. Yes, it’s made us independent and resilient and totally self sufficient but honestly, it’s been stressful and wearing…..
Having absolutely no back up or knowing if times are tough I can call on a mum to let me stay a bit or just give me some support is hard. I used to look at how easy other people found life and if you have that support around you , that scaffold life is so so much easier for you so of course they are naturally less stressed and more content .
I want to be there for my kids and I won’t have a cut off at 18, I hope they’ll be able to call me at any stage for support .
I do see your point on being 30 something and the above situations , it is a bit pathetic. I think in some cases there’s a bit of arrested development going on and I think people are younger in their heads now than in reality ! I’m not even that old but I can see that at the moment but overall there parents are just being there for them . I think some of what you feel might be a bit of sadness, I remember thinking how pathetic it was that my friend went shopping and hung out with her mum a lot but I was just sad and jealous as I never had that 🤷‍♀️

I think you a being a bit unreasonable. Nobody knows what actually goes on in families.
My friend is NC with her parents, up to her of course. Her parents to me looked like they were very loving but not really capable of some things and not respectful of her boundaries. She cut contact in the time I have known her.
My parents were extremely flawed and my childhood was a bit chaotic but they were loving and I know they did their best. I have good, but not uncomplicated, relationships with them.
My friend probably thinks I have the moon on a stick by comparison, but she doesn’t have to deal with the same things that I do and vice versa.

This is lovely and that support has carried you through even after , it’s like a different universe when you don’t have it . Having a background like that makes you stable and happier , it’s a natural consequence of having security and support in your life before.

Until my parents passed away, this was me. I have no idea how they managed to be so encouraging towards independance, and managing your own problems. But always there.

Given they clearly muddled along as best they could in the world where girls didnt want to get married at 18, but have careers and their own homes, the worry of how this would work - no one to live and share life with, perhaps no dc! Must have been hard. Such a different way of social norm they chose to suck up and support despite misgivings.

I miss them very much. Op, your mates sound entitled. Also, make friends with people outside your age!

@Thisisit26 I agree, there’s a balance between raising independent people but being there for support. My mum has always said how much she resented her very well off dad for not helping her more when she really struggled in the 80s/90s, it was almost like a point of control for him. I remember we went months without a car in a very rural area while he was sat on hundreds of thousands of pounds, I’m sure plenty of people here would say “so what”, but it hurt my mum, and she would never, ever see us struggle if she could help. And I will be the same with my children.

It’s arrested development and is sadly quite common in younger millennials and Gen Z in particular.

I’m 33 and I’ve been independent since 16. Whilst I realise this is not usual, I do think it’s made me stronger and more resilient than those still overly reliant on parents into their 30s. I wonder what will happen to them if their parents get sick… It’s not attractive either way, I think adults over 25 should get their shit together and be able to look after themselves.

All lovely things to do for their children, and understandable, I hope one day I can both treat my kids and help them practically whenever I can, but yes, your friends attitudes are horrible. I suppose I just can’t really see myself being friends with people so.. negative and entitled.
I consider myself to be very independent and I don’t ‘need’ anyone really but my lovely mum will buy me little treats here and there (I’m currently wearing a beautiful new dress she bought me last week!) and my older brother helps me with my car when it’s a relatively minor fix, he always offers and gets a bit offended if I decline… I pay him in cake 😂 BUT I am so grateful for them and it’s reciprocal insofar as I help them whenever I am able to, as it’s needed.

I think it can be more complex than this. Parents can do things for their kids but the relationship still be strained due to various reasons.

I agree with you.

I am lucky enough to have wonderful, caring parents who I absolutely know would use their last penny to help me if I needed it and it is for that very reason that I want to make sure I stand on my own two feet and don't take advantage of it. It's actually a much nicer feeling to be able to treat them with my own grown-up, big girl money(!) than the other way around.

They also help me out with babysitting whenever I ask and would never say no and FOR THAT REASON I try not to ask too much. Because I don't take advantage (I hope) they actively offer randomly which is lovely for all of us.

The number of adults I know - including some of my own friends - who seem to be incapable of running their own lives one way or another really annoys me too, OP, despite a different background!

Agreed. Its your friends attitudes that are the problem. The majority of parents like to help their children in any way they can. I dont think there is anything wrong in helping children financially. Also nothing wrong with the father fixing his daughters car. Its what most parents would do if they could. What is wrong is the daughter moaning about him, thats awful. Your other friend who does fuck all to help whilst living at home sounds horrid. I lived at home in my 20s for a while but did all of the cooking, helped around the house and paid rent. It just seems like you have 2 friends that aren't nice people tbh and I'm surprised that selfishness hasn't extended to you as their mate as well as their parents.

I understand why you’re jealous because I’m in the same boat as you with no parental support. My dad died when I was 12 and I left home when I was 16 because of physical and emotional abuse. Everything I have is down to my grit and grabbing every opportunity with both hands.

It’s normal and healthy for parents to want to help their children though. And we all moan about the people we live with, I definitely moan about my husband sometimes! Their children might seem ungrateful but people often don’t fully appreciate what they’ve always had, we’re sensitive to thst because we haven’t had it so we’d really appreciate it if we did.

This is probably a way of passing over money in a way that the taxman won't see it, and won't be liable for future inheritance tax at 40%.
I've found myself thinking similarly....

Ha indeed, my mum gave us £1000 for Easter this year 🤣

I have a friend in her 40's with a husband, and they are exactly the same, parents gave deposit for house, in last couple of years so they both had plenty of time to save, money twos cars etc.

I think all your examples make me cringe OP, so I see your point. It sounds like the parents are also complicit even the last complaining dad as he attended to sort the car (all the parents' actions are clearly kind)

My ILs are so enmeshed with each other that FIL is completely useless if MIL isnt present to sort everything. She then complains she has to do everything. Its an environment she has created over 45 yrs. She tries the same with DH, he bats her away. She has more success with his brother. I find it weird..as someone said upthread some parents want that dependency.

Not if friend 1 has a habit of chucking money into things they haven’t read and then need bailing out of. I plan to be a supportive parent of adults but in my book supportive is saying oh well I guess you can’t afford that holiday would you like to come over to dinner?

YANBU. I’m on really good terms with my mum, but I haven’t asked her to do anything like this since my very early 20s. I knew how to put air in my car tyres etc from young, and always worked part time since I was 16 to pay for holidays with friends, which I paid for entirely over 18. I never ask my mum for money for anything. She kindly contributed some towards our wedding and a new carpet for part of our first home, but she offered, I never ask.

I felt a strong urge to be independent from around 14/15, and felt like I was too old to be back at home briefly after uni. I won’t be encouraging that sort of lack of initiative with my own children, that’s for sure! They need to learn how to think and problem solve.

A couple I know, 34 and 32, are getting married this weekend. They're the typical young professional higher earners, one's a planner and one's a surveyor and haven't a clue about anything practical. Their parents baby them. To be fair they can cook using a box and instructions from Hello Fresh. They go away and drag their retired parents down to their house and dog sit, and also get them to fix the car, do jobs in the house etc. They're taking the absolute piss because they can afford to pay for this sort of thing. I'd be embarrassed.

I think you are a bit jealous because your friends are getting heaps of unconditional love and care and you didn't get that. I understand, my parents are shit and I feel the same. My DH parents would do anything and everything for him and initially I did scoff a bit but now I get it, they are showing their love. And they get to act like kids a bit longer while we were forced to grow up.
Yes people should be grateful for help and all that but that is their parent/child relationship. Lucky them.

What baffles me is the short-sightedness of these parents who do everything for their adult kids - they aren't helping them at all. In a few years time, the parents won't be around and then what will the "kids" do? It's a parent's job to teach responsibility, independence and resilience..... which some indulgent parents are absolutely failing to do.

Agreed.

Also have you considered some people just like to help others.

My mum has a bit of extra money and gives me and my sister £150 month to help with bills. We are very grateful.
Everyone is able to help each other out where they can whether it be fixing someones car or DIY etc. It's just what we do in our family.

X

This its so weird! I don't want to be so dependent on my parents, I like my independence!

I left home at 18. Never had or expected any help with my children and now our children are grown up. One still lives at home and will have to live with us forever. If we can help them out in any way shape or form we do. Because I never had that and I always vowed that I would do it differently.