Are my friends ungrateful and spoilt or am I unreasonable?

[secretgoose]

I’m 32 years old and obviously my friends are a similar age.

I absolutely love all my friends but I often find the way they treat their parents really cringey. My parents aren’t in my life, which is my choice. I’m aware that my perspective could be warped which is why I’ve come here.

Things they do that have annoyed me. One of them booked a holiday, paid a £50 deposit but then didn’t read the payment terms and realised she couldn’t gather enough money to pay the final balance in time. Her parents have paid it for her. She’s 34 years old and talks about wanting to try for kids soon and I wonder how that will work.

Another friend lives at home with her parents, only child. She entered a group chat to say her Mum has been annoying her and her Mum kicked off because she always cooks dinner and does everything. And i empathised with her mum thinking well she’s got a 32 woman child at home, and a husband, both not pulling their weight. I simply asked my friend how often she cooks at home and she said she doesn’t but when she lived with her last romantic partner she didn’t cook then either. I just find it wild how you can take your mum for granted like that.

Another friends car got a warning light. Her Dad came and got her, drove the car home. He’s then inspected the car, ordered the parts, will fit the parts and has paid for the parts. He isn’t even a mechanic. Her response was to complain about how much he moans whilst doing it! I said let him moan and take the saint out for dinner for goodness sake.

I just find it wild. I am also HUGELY jealous. I would love to have parents like theirs. They don’t know their bread is buttered.

I find it hugely unattractive when adults past the age of about 24 are so hugely reliant on their parents. It's laziness, bordering on abuse of the parent in some instances.

I haven't had a relationship with my parents since I was 17 so I know exactly how you feel OP. everything I own or do is down to me (or my dh) and no one helps us with anything. Thankfully my kids are very appreciate of their lives, without prompting I often find my 19 year old son cleaning the kitchen or running the hoover round.

Same situation!! I “moved” out at 17. My mum gave me an ultimatum and said she’s moving house and I’m invited but there’s no buses and she won’t be driving me around 🥴 I think about the things my friends get help with and I think “wow”. Like you, I’ve had no help with anything. House deposit, sorted it myself. If I want to go on holiday, I fund it myself. I feel like that should be normal and I’m not wearing it as a badge of pride. The way my friends are with their parents has put me off having kids tbh but it sounds like yours are incredibly well rounded!

Jealous of what adults who can't cope with real life. Living at home at 34 is ridiculous im only a few years older and my eldest daughter is in the process of buying her first home so will be moved out soon. I couldn't imagine being this age and still living at home and my children moving out before me.

I see nothing wrong with living at home when you are 34 - if you share the household duties and pay towards your keep not all of us can afford to own a house/flat even with working - or they are simply trying to say up for a deposit -

Living with extended family is fine. Leaching their money time and resources just weird.

How do you think people manage who don't have the choice. They rent, they houseshare they manange money better to save for a mortgage quicker they don't spend 16 years saving up for a mortgage and still not have enough

@secretgoose as kindly as possible, I was you 35 years ago. I have been fiercely independent since I was 21. Neither DH nor I got any help from parents. Everyrhing we have is ours.

Our DC are a similar age to you and have love and support despite being independent. They aren't ungrateful spoilt gits like some of your chums and know they will always have a home here of the chips are down.

I wish you had that. I know I'd have liked it.

I think buying the holiday is ok if they can afford it and the adult child is otherwise independent. I'd class that as a treat.

The other examples - I think it's the friend's attitudes that are the issue, not the help and care itself.

This made me cry. Well done for giving your kids what you didn’t have ❤️

One of them booked a holiday, paid a £50 deposit but then didn’t read the payment terms and realised she couldn’t gather enough money to pay the final balance in time. Her parents have paid it for her.

How is that a description of how your friend treats her parents? Am I supposed to read into that something you haven't written?

Oh god definitely! The parents are amazing, as I said I’m jealous. I’d love to have their parents. It’s not the parents annoying me, it’s my friends 😆

She acts irresponsibly because she knows her parents will pay her out of trouble.

I can’t afford to Willy nilly book holidays without reading, planning and saving properly. No one’s coming to save me. Whereas she can book a holiday without thinking about the consequences.

I think you've been very harsh about friend 1, a lot or parents like to help their adult DC out financially. To say you wonder how she will manage being a parent just because she made a mistake with a holiday booking and her mum helped her out is quite mean.
Friend 2 does sound like an ungrateful arse.
Friend 3 sounds fine. It's annoying when people offer their help and then moan, they should just say no.

Yeah, this highlights I have a perspective issue. I’m looking at their experiences through the lens of my own experiences.

I should have added that friend 1 is generally rubbish with money because her parents are constantly bailing her out. She’s not learning financial literacy because her parents aren’t letting her learn. I don’t think she needs to learn the hard way, because that’s how I learnt and it’s crap. But they need to sit her down and help her budget and stuff and if they want to help her, they help her because they’re lovely and generous and not because their daughter is in a crisis, which to me are two separate things.

Ok, I get it - so your extra relevant information is that you know she assumed her parents would save her from losing £50.

Edit - just seen your recent post clarifying

Everyone is different - have you travelled much, talked to different people about their live experiences, read books?

it’s a big world out there. I have a friend who who has an amazing career and travels the globe. She lives with her parents in her forties. It works for them all. Lots of people have different approaches to life. Not everyone moves into their own home at a young age. It’s great you and your daughter have chosen the path of young home ownership (I did the same), but why judge others who take a different approach?

i can name a few ridiculous life choices, and living with your parents isn’t one of them.

Well, we don’t ask to be born.

Same left home at 18. I find any adult reliant on parents really odd and childish. But maybe it’s because we never had that.

I left home at 17 and got very little help from my parents. I'm very independent to the point I find it impossible to ask for help.

I've been much more supportive and generous with my children, knowing how the opposite feels. I do have boundaries though.

I don't see anything wrong with multi-generational living, as long as it works for everyone. It's common in many cultures. That said, my parents are never living with me.

I’m torn OP - I think your friends should obviously be grateful and also help out too.
My parents had tough lives and very little support but now they’re still so supportive of me and my family and drop everything in a heartbeat to help us. We don’t take the p and are very grateful and I love how close we are.
Hopefully, as you know what a lack of support etc is like, you’ll know what you’d have loved and be able to offer that for your children.
My DH had an awful childhood. He literally housed his mum and sister at 18 and paid a mortgage. He wasn’t used to parents being parents but he knows he’d never expect that of his own kids and wants them to be able to have their own lives, with us supporting and helping them rather than the other way around.

I see your point entirely, BUT it’s worth being aware that many parents can’t let go of the parenting role. They need it for their own self-esteem, so their child is never made to fully individuate, or learn life lessons on their own!

In a way, it’s a form of parental neglect to try to stay SO involved in your adult child’s life, and not empower them to go out into the world.

I think in therapy sometimes it’s called enmeshment?

Therefore, in a way, your mum (harsh as she undoubtedly was, and I’m very sorry for you in the situation) did also (whether intentionally or not) give you the freedom to learn on your own terms and carve out your own identity.

My mum kicked me out at 18. We get on fine but she's never been an 'active' parent. Neither has my dad. They will occasionally give me money. But I don't ask for it. But that's all the 'help' I get. They aren't there emotionally at all. I think what you are describing is spoiled kids BUT also represents how some people are actually parented and feel comfortable asking for help. This is something I can't do. Your cases are extreme but I find it odd when my MIL wants to make me a cup of tea! I'm like, 'nah your alright I'll do it myself! '

it took me years to realise that some parents are actually up for this stuff! Now that I have my own kids I can see how little parenting actually happened in my house. We were just sort of left to get on with it. Then left at uni age and never returned. Interestingly my siblings and I live miles away from them now!

so YANBU thinking your friends are a bit childish. BUT I totally get why you are jealous at the same time!

actually i find it nice when i hear dad's doing stuff for their adult offspring

i probably think that way because my dad died at the age of 50

i guess you feel the way you do @secretgoose because of your relationship with your parents.