Are my friends ungrateful and spoilt or am I unreasonable?

[secretgoose]

I’m 32 years old and obviously my friends are a similar age.

I absolutely love all my friends but I often find the way they treat their parents really cringey. My parents aren’t in my life, which is my choice. I’m aware that my perspective could be warped which is why I’ve come here.

Things they do that have annoyed me. One of them booked a holiday, paid a £50 deposit but then didn’t read the payment terms and realised she couldn’t gather enough money to pay the final balance in time. Her parents have paid it for her. She’s 34 years old and talks about wanting to try for kids soon and I wonder how that will work.

Another friend lives at home with her parents, only child. She entered a group chat to say her Mum has been annoying her and her Mum kicked off because she always cooks dinner and does everything. And i empathised with her mum thinking well she’s got a 32 woman child at home, and a husband, both not pulling their weight. I simply asked my friend how often she cooks at home and she said she doesn’t but when she lived with her last romantic partner she didn’t cook then either. I just find it wild how you can take your mum for granted like that.

Another friends car got a warning light. Her Dad came and got her, drove the car home. He’s then inspected the car, ordered the parts, will fit the parts and has paid for the parts. He isn’t even a mechanic. Her response was to complain about how much he moans whilst doing it! I said let him moan and take the saint out for dinner for goodness sake.

I just find it wild. I am also HUGELY jealous. I would love to have parents like theirs. They don’t know their bread is buttered.

its not about the parents doing nice stuff. I told my friend to give her dad a hug. It’s about my friends ungratefulness. Please learn to read

I don't think I could be friends with people like this, their immaturity would just piss me off immensely.

do you feel better for that?

I left home at 19 and have been completely independent ever since. But I came from an upbringing where I didn’t get picked up from nights out or driven to hobbies. I had to organise myself completely from about the age of 13.
I would have loved parents like some of my friends have who do drop everything for their kids/ bail them out/ clean their house. My mum once babysat (a very rare occasion) and my draining board was stacked high as I hadn’t had time to put pots away. I got home from the hospital about 5 pm needed to jump straight into cooking for 3 kids and she had laid all the pots over my hob and side to make a point they should be put away the same day. So I had to move them all to be able to cook.

Unfortunately my dh isn’t a drop everything for the kids person (also refuses help from his parents even if it’s me it makes life harder for not him) I try to be but Im disabled as is our youngest child so o have a lot going on. Both elder dc in-laws are fab though.

I think you sound jealous that other people have family who are wiling to support them. My family would do anything for me.

I have to question the parents in these situations (other than the car fixing dad - I think that's normal). My kids are adults that still live at home but are expected to pitch in with chores, do their own laundry etc. They pay some keep but I have drummed into them that this is the cheapest accommodation they can get and as such they should be saving in order to become fully independent.

I also think it's very odd to be so dependent on your parents at that age.
However, it's also very odd not to be in contact with your own parents!

Both people I know who have gone non contact with their parents due to their supposed abusive upbringings have scant reason to complain.

My parents are amazing, I'm in my 40s and still get a lot of support from them, mainly emotional but also financial - I don't actually need the financial support but my parents are kind and enjoy treating us

I will do the same for my dds, fund cars, help with house deposits, they already know they have you full support and a home for life. And we all appreciate and are grateful for everything.

I'm sad you didn't have that support, it should be the norm. If your friends aren't grateful for their parents and any help they get I suspect they aren't great people in other aspects

Take the reprimand. It was justified

I am married with a good job and a family, but my parents still love to help us if they can. Whether childcare when kids were younger or financially to help us out with specific projects or future savings for kids. To be clear we don’t ask, they offer. They treat my sibling and I equally.

Evidentially, these parents that you speak of didn’t encourage their children that if they wanted something they needed to save up for it…….like generations of others have done and still do! My siblings and I had to earn our pocket money by helping with chores as did our own children and now the grandchildren. It isn’t slave labour or exploitation, it is teaching and encouraging them to value things. Showing them that things don’t just drop in your lap at the first request.

OP- I know EXACTLY what you mean. I lost both my parents when I was young.

It blows my mind how many of my friends are unable to live without their parents bailing them out constantly. My best friend (and I love her so much so it's not me slagging her off) is like this.

She has both her parents still alive and they do everything for her. They drop her son off at school, they pick him up, she goes on holiday without him, they finance her, they help her with her household stuff, they are constantly on the phone if she needs help etc. I mean, great, it's lovely, but it actually hasn't helped her at all. She is a grown woman with a husband and perfectly capable of handling her life as an adult but she is completely enmeshed with her parents.

I never had any childcare or help with my children and she once said to me - I dont know how you started your business, I could never do that!

I know exactly how I did it- because I am fiercely independent - I literally had no choice in the matter and whilst its heartbreaking to me my parents arent here, the only tiny benefit has been that its forced me to become highly capable and resilient in my life.

deleted as wrong thread

There's nothing worse than a martyr. You should have just said to her that it sounds as though it would be easier to pay a garage to sort the car out. You might have found that the Dad takes over and then everyone has to hear about it. Your friend who doesn't cook, obviously was never taught as a tween/teen and expected to pitch in. When she moved back home, agreements should have been put in place, by her parents. I think that families should be able to help each other out, financially. It's a shame you haven't had that, I didn't either. But most people with involved parents do better in life. Life is easier for everyone in supportive, extended, families. That includes the elderly. You comparing your friend not potentially being a good parent, because she misread something is ridiculous.

I dont have a great relationship with my parents and as such I find adult dependency on parents a bit ick BUT its my issue because of my own challenging relationship with my parents. Families are unique snd complicated, its best not to judge people too harshly as we rarely have all the facts.

I am 34 married with a teenager & preteen. I don’t understand people my age who behave like little kids, i know someone too who expects her dad to taxi her around at 35! It’s quite frankly embarrassing.

I understand the eye rolling at the middle one, no 30 something year old should be in a situation where parents are still cleaning, cooking etc.

The last point the moaning is off obviously, but that kind of help is pretty standard in my world.

But the money, we are a high earning household with a mortgage and teens but my mum will still sometimes lend us money lol. Not that we can’t afford to do something, usually just to front us some money ahead of us having it to save us having to get credit, like we had a big car bill last year, rather than making us leverage other things she’s got more money easily to hand so she’ll lend it to us and we pay her back within a few months. If she didn’t do it we would still cope, we’d just either have to raid our own much more modest savings or pay interest, my mum being at a point of her life where she is much more financially fluid would rather she just help. I don’t see that as me not being equipped for the world tbh. I understand it’s lucky though, and I will be the same with my kids.

She literally said that in her op. That's not her issue..

I think some parents miss the point which is our sole job is to bring up independent adults.

You views seem very coloured by jealousy. I agree the second friend should be contributing around the house but not sure what the problem is with the first or third friend. The first friend just didn't read the terms and conditions snd her parents decided to help her. Helping out with a car is pretty normal too.

I used to work with a 35 year old teacher who had her dad’s credit card in her purse. I said oh that’s nice , is that if you’re ever really stuck somewhere or something. She said no I get my petrol and food on it!!

But paying for it isn’t if the adult has a job.

My Mil is generous and helpful but my dh has never taken her for granted and helps her out as well + spoils her. I think that if he would have acted like a spoilt brat she wouldn't have been as lovely and generous so it's part of his education to think about others and appreciate what others do for him.

My parents haven't been present in my life so I have nothing to compare with.

Thinking about it, it makes more sense to give your children financial help over the years, than try to suddenly depleat assets, when elderly and even come unstuck (as on a recent thread) because you've tried to dodge inheritance tax. If my Mum had have helped with school uniforms etc after I was widowed, I could have made different choices around working/studying. I didn't need the inheritance I got in my 50's. My sister certainly didn't. It's sad to see people without help. When children are listening to what their friends were treated to be GPs/Aunts/Uncles etc and they don't have that, they do feel it. During the 90's, Mothers were becoming increasingly isolated. Parenting was never done in isolation, without outside/wider support. Some people have to pay people to do, what family is willing to do. Are we supposed to reject family?

The fact that a parent paid for an adult child' holiday doesn't mean they aren't independent.