To think some people never heal because being the victim gives them identity?

[TraumaAsPersonality]

If healing means losing the story, some cling to the wound.

I do think some people adopt a victim hood identity and that be ones the way they experience the world and understand themselves.

It's not good for them and ultimately tends to drive others away

There are also people, as pp says, whose life and sense of self has been so impacted by the abuse/trauma that they have experienced that they can't live free from it

I do think you can be the latter without being the first though. Not everyone takes victim hood on as a badge to be worn.

I think that’s an incredibly simplistic way of looking at things. People get “stuck” in a narrative for many reasons which are a combination of many things, including hormones, neurological wiring and chemical balance, past experiences, childhood role models.current support systems etc etc.

I agree, you can't make trauma dissappear. Equally you don't have to throw a pitty party for other people regularly and expect them to feel sorry for you indefinitely.

So - I’ve obviously name changed for this but I’ll be honest, this described me to a point for a large part of my life.

I don’t know why and I think a lot of it was subconscious. Maybe it was attention seeking or enjoying / relishing the victim feeling. For example, I would deliberately do things at school that I knew would elicit name calling or mocking and then be the ‘victim.’

I really wish I could explain why but I can’t. I do want to go back and shake myself though!

I have a lot more self awareness now and although I do sometimes feel myself sinking back into old habits I’m better able to ask myself ‘ok so did I do anything to contribute to this; if so what, how can I change it’ sort of thing. It takes a fair amount of conscious change though!

I think sometimes people can’t let go of their pain no matter how hard they try. It’s not a moral failing it’s just they haven’t found their best way of working through it for whatever reason. My ex did some terrible things to me in our relationship- physical, sexual and mental abuse. I’ve had therapy and day to day I’ve moved past it. But it really comes screaming back to me whenever he upsets our kids in any way. Which he does on a far too frequent basis. I think it’s triggered by guilt- the children are hurt by him because I “chose” him as their father (although I didn’t know he was a fucking monster back then and thought he was damaged and I could help him. Fuck sake). Then I feel guilty because I feel guilty about it. Because I now have a wonderful husband and a generally very happy life.

I understand what you mean OP. My Grandmother, despite having a reasonably comfortable life (decent home, comfortable financially, never worked full time again after my Mum was born) was a perpetual victim of something. When my Grandfather was dying of bowel cancer her entire focus and subject of conversation was how awful it was for HER. Same when her mother had dementia. I never saw her display a shred of empathy for anyone else but she’d jump on the tragedy or crisis of anyone she knew for attention by proxy.

A friend of DH’s is the same but in a more calculated way. The amount of sympathy shags he’s procured by wheeling out the sad story of his Mum passing away….

I get what you mean op. H is like this- he has a couple of conditions which do impact his life but they have became the only thing about him. He’s the perpetual victim - he can’t meet anyone without telling them all about it - while people we know with pretty challenge physical disabilities get on with their lives and are often heard saying ‘there are worse off people than me’. This is something H would never say despite it being literally true - many many people would swop with him in an instant!

I don’t think he would know who he was if he got rid of the victim identity. I’ve encouraged him to seek counselling but I do worry it might actually make it worse.

The irony is that she’s got healthy, living children but she’s forcing them to live around that misery. Not good

It’s really sad. It’s been several years now. A long long time to a small child. A significant part of their childhood already has been participating in these memorials and there’s no sign of this slowing down, in fact the opposite. It’s so sad what happened to her, and like I said it feels awful just saying it, but it’s reached a point where somebody who knows her in real life really needs to have that conversation.

Yes! Professional victims who are energy vampires, demanding and sucking up sympathy. We all start out on their side but after experiencing the one-sided, self-obsessed, permanent 'victim' status on a long term basis, change our perspective.

I had a friend who actually said to me, 'But it's worse for me...' about illness, when I'd actually had cancer and hers was a non life-threatening illness.

Oh I agree. It’s tantamount to child cruelty. The death of her baby is her loss to feel, not theirs. I hope they don’t grow up resenting her x

I wouldn’t say that’s being the victim so much as allowing one event to completely define the rest of her life.

victim mode to be is different.

they both have the potential to be toxic and they can overlap, but they are different.

I cannot abide victim mentality in privileged people (it's wide spread) but other than that your post isn't the best idea OP.

I think due to social media through covid, so many people are self diagnosing and making it an excuse for behaviour.

I went through 3 months of evaluation to be diagnosed with CPTSD, I'm not gonna sit and divulge my trauma but having an annoying neighbour, thats anxiety. Havung a shit boss is anxiety. People with genuine MH issues are being overseen by the ones that want a label and are being left to suffer.

I wish I didn't wake most nights with a trauma sweat that looks like ive pissed the bed, I wish I could go shopping on my own, I wish I didn't spend days in bed because my mood was so low, sitting evaluating every conversation id had.

Victim mentality 😂

No two people are the same, no two situations are the same, and some people don’t have the coping mechanisms, the support, or the lucky breaks others have. These sort of threads are literally just to bitch about people who are pretty unlucky if they can’t pull themselves out of negativity or have people brag that they’ve had it rougher and come out of it

I came across that page quite by chance and was horrified by it.

Yes, two different things.

The person you know, your first example, is a ‘Covert Narcissist’. They can be extremely malevolent.

Another point is that some people who really were abused can become so on edge about further abuse, sort of paranoid, that they them selves are aggressive abusers while believing they are the victim and never wrong.

I have a definite tendency towards being the victim, not in terms of my behaviour, but my thoughts. I reallyyyyy dislike that part of me and have worked really hard over the years to stop it.
I try and do things for others and not get caught in self pity, and not use perceived unfairnesses to justify horrible thoughts.

Trouble is I think a lot of victim mentality comes from actually being a victim! So it's tricky.

Me too @AliceAbsolum . I think as long as we’re self aware we’re good. I hope so anyway!

I liken a horrendous prolonged period of time in my life to having a broken leg that a Dr tells you is as good as new but you know yourself that despite his work, as well as the work you put in on physio and recuperation your completely healed broken leg still hurts most days when you walk.

Some things just never stop hurting even though you can go on and live a good life and I’m glad the OP has never experienced anything like it.

Have you heard of EMDR?
Might be worth looking to. It's pretty effective for trauma/ptsd.
Its a fully trama informed approach.

I will never fully heal from my trauma but i will move past it and i wont be a victim.
Neither have i ever played victim.

Eh? I'm lost.

Then you need to reword your post. Because that’s how I read it too.

I don’t cling to being a victim of childhood sexual abuse for the attention. I don’t love that it has caused severe postpartum depression and anxiety. I don’t love that I can’t be “ok” for a while than have episodes of severe low periods.

I speak openly about my feelings because I don’t think I should feel shame about what I went through. But that doesn’t mean I make it my identity.

People who have a victim complex don’t normally have much trauma, just narcissistic tendencies.