To think some people never heal because being the victim gives them identity?

[TraumaAsPersonality]

If healing means losing the story, some cling to the wound.

Nobody said you need to go back to the person you were before. But you don’t have to revel in it for all eternity.

Good example of the issue.

I know someone who hasn't had anything hugely traumatic happen but makes herself the victim of every interaction and circumstance.

She's hugely prickly, looking for offence and blame wherever she can even when it's obvious to everyone else it's her own aggression that's caused people to interact in ways she doesn't like.

of course YANBU

This forum is proof enough

How can you say that? I talk about what happened to me here precisely not to burden people in real life.

No, I’m not talking about people simply continuing to live with trauma or PTSD after horrific experiences. As I said, I’m talking about something more specific psychologically - where a victim identity can sometimes become so central to someone’s sense of self that growth/change/healing almost feels like losing part of themselves.
That’s not the same thing as saying trauma survivors are “at fault” for being traumatised or struggling.

Oooh this is a really tough one.

Some things are incredibly hard to heal from, like SA in childhood. You can sink all the time and money into therapy but you are always changed.

Also, losing a child. I know parents who have lost a child and told me they don't want to heal from it, they are in some way connected to their child through that pain, and honestly I cannot judge that as I have no idea how I would handle that unimaginable pain.

I used to know someone like this. He couldn't take responsibility for his own behaviour and it was everyone else's fault.

He claimed he was bullied out of a group we used to attend. The issue was his behaviour towards others

I think this is unfair. And plainly not what OP meant.

Oh god, my mother. She's endured the absolute usual amount of life's challenges, and there have been losses along the way. Normal, because she's 79.

But no, she is uniquely traumatised and must be pandered to. Also 'burnout', despite doing very little and refusing to help herself by ie keeping up friendships.

It's utterly exhausting.

I realised that recently with my DD who's been in and out of short term counselling for a few years. There is always a waiting list, the last two times she had improved and then dipped again when starting the counselling. Luckily she realised herself around the same time I did that it wasn't any good for her to keep rehashing things from the past that had been dealt with. She ended the counselling and said she doesn't want to do anymore, 6 months on and she is doing really well.

I think the point is the endless talking about it doesn’t always help. I am talking generally and not about your specific case btw.

Therapy did fuck all for me, because it just meant revisiting something painful for an hour a week every week. Especially as it was years after the fact. What worked was filling my life with the best kinds of distraction: friends, family, music, intellectually stimulating career, fitness goals, culture, travel etc.

In victimhood/therapy culture, “moving on” or “getting over it” has such a bad reputation and I guess this thread is exploring why.

Good for her. Counselling can be helpful, if it’s targeted and has a clear objective. But a lot of the time it’s a bit like having a vent, it feels good while you’re doing it but afterwards it just has the effect of reopening the wound.

Absolutely. I think we’ve lurched from the past where bottling things up lead to a nervous breakdown later in life, to a position where we’re encouraged to live our trauma over and over as if it has to ‘run out’ at some stage. But it doesn’t, so it’s time wasted.

I had the same experience with therapy as @JLou08 ’s daughter. What helped was stopping therapy.

As I said, it is complex and I do think it is unfair to judge people or try and tell them how to deal with their trauma. Especially if they haven't been through something similar.

This is my sister to a tee. Every situation always has to be about her because her life is so much harder than anyone else’s. She’s had endless therapy but she always focuses on herself as the victim of circumstance rather than focusing on the changes she can make to prevent herself repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

I will never be the same again.

that’s not my fault.

I really don't think you know what you are talking about and I am getting sick of people dismissing trauma and mental health issues in general.

If you go through trauma like rape, childhood sexual abuse, violence, it never leaves you.

You can of course learn coping mechanisms and not let it control your life, but it will always be a part of you.

Especially if you go through something while you are a child/teen. It literally affect your development and your brain.

I always think that people who openly speak about rape/violence/childhood abuse are incredibly brave and usually do it because they want to challenge the stigma and refuse to be silent and feel shame. That's not being a victim, that's being a survivor and having a voice.

I am not going to be ashamed about the fact that childhood neglect, bullying and abuse and being sexually assaulted as an adult have had a major impact on my life. I don't go around telling everyone about it but I am certainly not going to hide it ever of feel that I am ''playing the victim'' if it still affects me.

Being a victim was a lot of the reasons underlying my alcohol addiction, and it also enabled its continuance.

And yes, it has never left me, it never will, the abuse, the shame, the stigma, the associations. Kinda sucks really.

Yes of course some people either don't know how to function or haven't actually developed a personality that extends beyond being a perpetual victim. And it's absolutely exhausting to be around. I'm too practically minded to tolerate it once it becomes clear the individual doesn't want to change their situation, they just want to moan about it (perpetually).

I think it’s entirely possible to recover from significant trauma to where you can live a meaningful life, whatever that means to you. That doesn’t mean it’s disappeared or doesn’t matter - someone described it as being part of your life story, but not the most important part or the only part.

Good trauma therapy isn’t about repeatedly telling the story, it’s about integrating the traumatic memory, recognising that you’re triggered, being able to self regulate and ultimately being in a place where you understand the impact of the trauma and can make sense of it. It’s hard hard work, and takes a very skilled therapist to help get you there.

The very nature of trauma is that it changes you, you don’t go back to who you were. Knowing that, mourning that loss of personhood and adapting to the new you are all parts of healing. It’s no surprise that people get stuck in that process because it’s hard to work out who you are now when you’re carrying the harm done to you.

Actually I am starting to see this in myself.

A long abusive marriage that ended three years ago. Yet I am still paralysed by it. I feel like its legacy is really stretched out over my future.

I don’t want therapy because I don’t want to get caught in the talking talking talking trap.

But I do feel like I am a victim. I no longer give any energy to those who don’t match it. Which leaves not many people. But I’d rather be alone and maybe lonely than trying hard for people who don’t care.

i need to shake a leg and be proactive but o can’t help feeling it’s all pointless. Good things only happen to other people. That’s my victimhood. I cannot ever believe I can make great things happen. I dare not take risks because I feel doom.

I think some people don’t get over things. But many get through them. Which is not the same thing.

I think people who have suffered trauma in life and cannot ride through and seem unable to park what happened to them are still suffering. The trauma was so great it has shaped who they are. It is not because they particularly want that to be so. It is their new reality.

Then you do get people who engage as if they are victims. But really are not. This is not the same at all.