AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the unequal mental load at home?

[rollinginthedeepsea]

DH & I have been together 11 years & have 2 DC (4yrs and a baby). Took a long (& difficult) time to have DC, forever grateful to have them. I am struggling with the mental load of motherhood and the now inequality in our marriage. We used to both work FT and share looking after house (it was probably 60/40 with me doing a bit more chores/life admin)
Now it’s 80/20 and I am at my limit to fit in looking after children, house, washing, dinner, walking the dog, cleaning with him. DH is good with children but not taking mental load off. He asks me for everything, shall I put this in fridge…shall I put a clean top on the baby etc . He says he’s trying to get better and is trying to learn how to but will always says I’m criticising or nagging. He’s at breaking point with me ‘having a go at him’ and is thinking of leaving. I’ve tried to highlight the inequality by telling him a lot …I’ve done the dishwasher 5 times this week, can you do it /The bins need to be taken out etc. which I can see is nagging but I’ve been trying to show him how much I do in the hope he gets it and does more to make it feel more 50/50. But I’ve done the opposite. I’ve highlighted so much and complained that he now wants to leave me. I really don’t want to split. Am I resigned to just doing it all in the hope it gets easier when children get more independent/in school?

Do not feel bad for expecting your husband to be an adult.

He knows what needs doing, he chooses not to do it.

I stayed, I didn't challenge it, and it has ruined me.

We have clear jobs. I do not ask him to out the bins out. That is his job.

similarly he does not ask me to do the laundry I do it in my own time.

we found expecting the other person to do tasks because we were thinking they would didn’t work. Neither did expecting them to do something right away.
similarly we alternate bedtimes with the kids. Whoever had the easier child, also clears the kitchen.

absolutely it is rarely equal in the mental load, I found it as hard to give some things up as to just do all the things.

Are you a SAHM and he's working full time? If that's the case, I think it's fair that the stay at home parent does the majority of the housework. When I was a SAHM I did the cleaning, shopping, cooking, school runs etc BUT when DH was home, he did muck in with clearing up after dinner, bathing and putting the children to bed and would happily stick a load of washing on or hang it out.

It’s only nagging if you have to ask him more than once. If he did it you wouldn’t have to ask….

I really feel for you with the constant questions too. My DH once asked me if he should throw a moldy bagel he’d left in his car in the bin. Some people get an insane level of helplessness when babies are in the mix.

@rollinginthedeepsea re bins. I know exactly what time DH is due home. So just before he arrives, I gather the bins, general, recycling, food + cardboard and just place them outside the front door. He then takes them to the wheelie bins before coming into the house. He jokingly moans that I only needed to go a bit further with them. Bins get done though and it’s a 50/50 job.

50/50 is the way to go for a happy household. We do both work FT though in addition to raising two kids.

I went through this, and to a degree still am. We both work ft but he earns a huge amount more than me and with that I think he expects me to do everything kids .When I was off for maternity, I did do everything and that carried on, but there came a point when they were older (4 years, maybe 5) that they could articulate and when he dumped everything on me I silently just didn't do it. He used to say I was nagging, so I didn't remind him of jackets, water, medicine, what time the class started, where it was, where the keys were. I just said nothing. It's hard and you get grumpy or ill kids after, so I still have to make up for his mistakes but the point is so does he. He has to own it and get his shit together. When your kids get older, go on holiday for at least a week and don't leave notes, just let him do everything, just switch off, don't nag, don't correct, don't compensate, don't judge, just leave him to it. Mine called his mum within 24 hours. Game changer. Good luck!

You have a system problem!! Sit down with DH, and accept that you were nagging him. Put in place a system with his tasks/chores, yours and the shared ones. You both need to stick to the system and voila!!

He is probably checking with you constantly regarding changing baby’s top and other little task because he doesn’t want to trigger anything. Explain that you are happy for him to take initiative especially on things that makes sense and when he does, even if it’s not to your liking e.g wrong baby top.. then stay chilled. Life as a mother/wife is the hardest!

So he can’t think for himself, but if you tell him what needs doing it’s nagging.

And he’s the one threatening to leave.

Ffs.

I’m on maternity leave as baby is 5 months old. I’ll be going back part time 25 hours a week when baby is 10 months.
I feel I definitely should do more whilst off but I worry by doing everything for 10 months DH will expect the same level even when I’m then working

I’m on maternity leave now, and that’s also my worry that he’ll expect the same when i go back to work.
it feels similar, my DH does earn more and i think he thinks i like doing a lot if the children stuff, buying clothes etc.
yes I definitely need to do the same, if he went out just him and the 4 year old, he still asks me a million questions about what he should take, does DC need his drink, where is his drink, should I take a hat, what time should I leave, what shoes should he wear .
even if doing bins was solely his, the bin would be overflowing before he ‘sees’ it needs doing

Listen to Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.

So because you’re asking to do his half he’s threatening with leaving? What kind of emotional manipulation is that…

You’ve got a bunch of options. Stop doing the things which will only affect him (his laundry, his dinner etc). Write a post-it every time you do a job and create a “I did this job” wall of post its. Tell him to do the same. No loud declarations, no nothing, just slowly accumulating post its to get the message across. When he wants to “borrow your brain” (when we call it in our house), call him out. I say something like “don’t you live here to?” “What do you think?” “Do what you think is best” “you’re using my brain again”.

But yes, be exhausted and keep fighting your corner.

Also, I’ve stopped reminding dh of his mums birthday/ Mother’s Day etc. I’ve stopped buying the cards and presents. The fall out has been awful between him and his mum! And I’m pretty sure she blames me for it, but I’m holding firm. The internalised misogyny runs deep. But I said to her “I’m leaving the relationship between you and your son up to you”. Don’t think she appreciated that.

I think the poster that suggests having set jobs would be helpful so there is no confusion or doubt that someone else will do it. At the moment it's easy If the jobs are always for anyone to cop out of it and if he waits long enough then you will pick up the slack. If the dishwasher becomes his job you won't have to nag him about it as he will hopefully learn that he is the only one who will be doing it.
I would look at what you think would be a fair division - you won't be going back full time so you should in my mind take on more at home because of this.
Can you talk through different jobs that exist and then split them proportionally?
Trying to think how we do it
Me
Internet bill
Water bill
My car insurance
Home insurance
School admin (this i always feel is a big one as so many messages to sift through and remember)
Planning holidays, days out
Organising kids birthdays (presents, parties)
General sorting of children (clothing)
Food shop
Cooking
Dishes (some nights)
School run
One kids activity

Husband
Gas/electric bill
His car insurance
Family mobile phones
Car maintenance
Bins
Cleaning (he does it better 😂)
Dishes (some nights)
DIY (we have begun to accept that neither of us likes this so do now pay if it's something big that neither of us want to do, and cut back on other things to do this e.g painting and decorating)
Garden (he enjoys this so more of a hobby)
One kids activity

He would have to do 100% of chores and childcare if he left you, or maybe he thinks he'll get another woman to do it all again.

Leaving is a threat to control you. I'd seriously consider a break . He doesn't sound great.

Literally every couple I know seems to have fallen into this trap after having children - everyone working full time, but somehow everything home and children is her ultimate responsibility.

I think maternity leave is particularly bad for creating this situation - as you are at home, so you end up doing everything and so end up with ownership of more and more tasks. This never changes when you go back to work.

Meanwhile your DH’s life continues as it ever was, contributing when asked but not taking any initiative. Able to spend 12 hours a day out the house, while you struggle to spend more than 5 minutes away from the baby. So the resentment is twofold.

I have had endless, endless rows with my DH about this. He also has accused me of nagging but I have made it clear that asking him to participate in his own home or family life is not ‘nagging’ and if he just bloody did x or y I wouldn’t need to keep reminding him.

What has worked? It’s still not perfect but I have scheduled days he has to cook etc, scheduled days for each to get a lie in, I have a written list of tasks so what needs doing is visible. I’m still ultimately running the show but at least some tasks are taken off me - and I flat out refuse to discuss or participate in his tasks ie no don’t ask what cloths the kids need or what you should cook - that’s not taking the job away from me.

Also - and specific to your being on Mat leave - are you getting any time alone? I found this was very good for my dynamic with DH as I felt I had some life outside of the baby and the house. And it makes them more confident with decision making and caring for the baby alone.

I assume this is the reason for most divorces - it truly blows my mind though that it’s such an endemic problem, every woman I know has told me some version of this story.

But that is treating him like a child. Why can't he see that the bins need emptying.

(I can't talk, I have no answers to this)

The mental load of having to ask someone to look after their own house and children in detail is as exhausting as just doing it yourself. No one taught which hat, drink, bag, food, bin, dishwasher, laundry. You figured it out! Give him one list once - what he needs to do every day and that’s it. Every time he asks for detailed instructions about how to look after his own children tell him to figure it out like you had to. If he decides to leave I assume he will want contact and will have to figure it out then too. My exh was the same and when he picked our daughter up to have overnight he expected me to pack a bag with bottles, formula, nappies, wipes, sun cream, snacks, drinks etc. I said no - you need to buy a supply of these things to keep at your house. Figure it out! He did because he had to.

Anyone constantly checking with another about what they should do and how they should do it is walking on eggshells. He is terrified of doing anything wrong. So doesn’t do it under his own steam. And asks. Which drives you mad.
Nagging, as you admit to, has not resulted in him learning to take initiative at all.
So it doesn’t work.
So stop the nagging.
I agree with posters about sitting down and just talking it through.

I would though look at your list above and recognise he does a fair bit. He works full time in addition. Don’t look at what you think he doesn’t do, look at what he does.

Have a look at Alex Trippier on Facebook. He has some really brilliant posts on this and how to change things. He says himself that the jobs he did were just manual labour with no thought whereas the jobs his wife was doing required a lot of mental load to get to that point. Is he takes the bins out- they’re full they need emptying isn’t hard. Her cooking dinner required her to think about what everyone would eat, whether they’d had it too recently, whether it was nutritionally balanced, what was in the cupboards and fridge to make that meal, what she needed to buy for that meal. How would she buy those ingredients she needed, if she had to go out to the shops when could she do that, did she have to fit it in around other child’s needs or baby’s needs, other appointments etc. if that was a car journey to the supermarket does the car have fuel in it does she then need to go and do that as well.
he explains it so well you really see how those 2 jobs are nowhere near balanced although in your husbands eyes they will be.

I’m currently on maternity leave with our second so am also doing more because I’m around. However I’ve really pushed back against any increase to the mental load and broadly, it’s working.

• If he asks a question, default no-thought response is “what do you think?” And then be okay with the answer.
• Calmly and politely ask direct questions at appropriate times, eg “could you take the bins out after dinner please?”
• Don’t criticise attempts, even half-arsed ones. Let results speak for themselves.
• If his laundry isn’t in the basket, it doesn’t get washed. If it’s in the way, I put it on his pillow. I fully own the passive-aggressiveness of this.
• If we go out, he packs the nappy bag.
• If I’m having a rubbish day and haven’t had time to cook dinner, I text him to let him know he will need to cook. I don’t tell him what (unless I’d already planned it) and I don’t apologise. I’m not apologising for having such a bad day with the baby I couldn’t even cook. It’s his job to pick up the slack.
• Write lists together for him to check off, if necessary.
• Remember that the stakes are very rarely that high.

The nagging thing would really irk me, I wouldn't jave to nag if you weren't a manchikd who needed micro managing.

Needs telling to load the dishwasher?

Oh and his answer is to threaten to leave? Fuck off then.

I read somewhere on mumsnet 'youre only asking him to do what he would HAVE to do himself if he was a single man living alone'. So things like; clean the bathroom, tidy the kitchen, put away the laundry, remember to put petrol in the car etc. I'm very (lucky?-sad that that's the default nowadays?!) that I have a husband who appreciates that this is also his home and he pays towards the bloody mortgage therefore gets on with it, but the above sentiment still struck a chord....

It doesn’t get better. My partner asked today if the duvet cover he was holding was single or king. When I was exasperated he said ‘ I knew you’d be angry and didn’t want to ask.’ He still did though. Then said ‘you know more about these things ‘ then ‘ don’t ask me about the car then’ I don’t because I don’t drive and the car is his and his responsibility.
We have be together 20 years. 20 years of mindless questioning. I don’t know the answer😢