I follow an account called 4am Liturgies on Insta. She wrote this and i thought it might be helpful to share with your husband.
dear men,
you've probably heard terms like 'emotional labor' recently. maybe you've been told that you're adding to the emotional labor of your feminine partner.
you should know: you've been conditioned to interact with people extractively.
that means your presence alone costs people something, you just don't notice because their presence has never cost you anything.
you've been engineered (on purpose) to be a burden to everyone around you so you can use all your energy and theirs to feed the imperial machine.
i'm going to show you how to fix that.
here's how start providing for your relationships like the generous man you really are...
when i say 'extractive' here's what i mean.
you are engineered to communicate by:
- asking data retrieving questions (i.e. where is this? where can i find?).
- offering contrarian statements even when you agree with the initial opinion (i.e. playing 'devils advocate').
- positioning dialogue in opposition instead of alongside (i.e. only responding to things you disagree with and not affirming what you agree with).
- corrective language (i.e. scanning text or prose for words you dispute the meaning of).
- outsourcing labor (i.e. can you remind me? can you make me a list?).
- asking for explanation (i.e. i don't understand).
- validation seeking (i.e. do you like what i made?).
those methods of engagement all have one thing in common.
they require effort from the other person.
you're asking them to access memory for you, remember something for you, explain something to you, or give positive feedback to you.
even when you aren't getting something from them, you're triggering an emotion they need to manage.
the net energetic effect of these interactions is negative, they're 'takes' or 'walls'.
you're either gaining something for yourself (i.e. validation or information) or you're creating an emotional obstacle they need to climb over.
using these methods in predominantly male spaces is normalized because typically, no one is being extracted from.
but in spaces that include marginalized groups like women, exclusively communicating in extractive ways depletes them.
this is what we mean when we ask for reciprocal relationships.
it means that communication effort is balanced.
both parties extract and both parties give back, but men have only been taught how to do one.
'giving back' in communication is restorative. instead of taking energy or effort, it offers them.
restorative communication looks like:
- compliments (i.e. you look beautiful).
- task management (i.e. i know you have a busy day tomorrow, i'd like to bring you lunch).
- reminders (i.e. you mentioned you needed shampoo in case you forgot).
- interest sharing (i.e. i heard this song that reminded me of you).
- validation offering (i.e. i'm really impressed with how you think about that).
- information sharing (i.e. there's a new restaurant opening up close to your house).
- confirmatory language (i.e. seeking words or prose you agree with).
- initiative (i.e. i went ahead and bought tickets to the movie).
- curiosity about them (i.e. i would love to know how you know so much about that).
even when we ask for our partner's energy or effort, we can ask in a way that minimizes impact.
that way it's less 'taking', more neutral.
we can do that by:
- asking permission (i.e. do you have a minute to talk about this?).
- apologizing (i.e. i'm so sorry i forgot this, can you please remind me?).
- offering context or boundaries (i.e. i know now isn't a good time, but when you have a moment can you show me how to do this?).
it's not your fault you weren't taught how to communicate effectively, but in the same way it's your job to cut down a dead tree you didn't plant, it's your job to correct it.
if you want to provide for your relationships instead of being provided for by them, communication is where it starts.