AIBU to speak to grammar school about DS11's changing behaviour?

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Since starting secondary school at a grammar school, DS11 has begun to develop some negative habits and is not consistently following rules, which appears to be influenced by peer pressure. Prior to starting secondary school, we had a clear routine in place where he would hand his phone to either me or his dad after school, complete his homework immediately, and if no homework was set, we would provide additional work for him. He followed this structure well at the time. Our routine typically involved collecting him from school, taking him to his tutor, and then returning home where he would get changed and complete any work set. However, since starting secondary school, his behaviour has changed, and he now tends to come home, watch television, and lounge around instead of focusing on his responsibilities. We have also noticed increased pressure from peers regarding gaming devices, with him frequently requesting them, despite these not being permitted in our home. As a result, I am considering arranging a meeting with the school to discuss these concerns, as I had initially expected that attending a grammar school would help improve his discipline and overall behaviour.

I'm not sure that an 11 year old wanting to watch TV after school and asking for a games console equals 'challenging behaviour'.

Instead of talking to the school you should talk to your DS. Listen to what he wants/how he wants to structure his time and see if you can find a compromise between your ideal scenario and his.

If talking to the school will help you to feel better then go ahead, but I think you're misplacing your feelings a little.

Poor kid he needs a break after school, not a tiger mum.

Unclench.

This is all outside of school so I wouldn't be contacting them. None of their business.

His routine sounds really dull for an 11 year old boy, no wonder he wants to game. If it was my DS, providing he is keeping up with his school homework, I would ditch the tutor and additional busy work, get him out of the house doing sports a few nights per week.

Most of his peers will have gaming devices.

the teachers at his school will not be able to do anything about him noticing what other children have and wanting it and it is not their role to enforce your rules.

You sound intense.

He sounds completely normal to me. If you think this is challenging behaviour then all the best for the teenage years

Bloody hell!!! I’m amazed it’s taken this long for your son to rebel against this. When does he get to have fun?
Why are you putting this unbearable pressure on him?
The micromanaging you are doing is not acceptable. He’s a child. Let him be one. You sound very controlling and boarding on abusive tbh.

You want the school to parent your (very normal sounding) child?!
Good luck with that.

He's growing up, developing a social circle. That's normal.

Your steel grip on control is not normal and verging on abusive. Time to relax the apron strings !!

A meeting because he wants to watch TV? This is a wind up surely?

You need to speak to your son not school.

7 hours at school then a tutor for I’m guessing an hour then homework - and if no homework extra work set by you?! This is bonkers. Let the kid be a kid.

The school isn’t going to have influence over how he behaves at home and his personality/puberty.

Many of his peers would have stopped tutoring after they passed the entry test. Wanting games consoles and phone time at home is very normal behaviour. Poor boy

You are expecting too much of him and this all sounds like a very joyless life.

Of course you should be encouraging him to work hard but he needs some down time and hobbies too. Gaming is not necessarily a bad thing for him to be doing. You can limit the time spent on it.

Does he do any sport?

How you control your son’s leisure time has nothing to do with his school so of course Yabu

Does he do any clubs? Sports? Have down time?

Would is he having tutoring?

If it help my dc are on course for amazing grades and work hard and are nice kids but absolutely were flopping on the sofa after school in year 7!

I get where you are coming from as I find myself having to constantly remind my 11yo son to take care of his responsibilities before switching on the TV or gaming.

It's normal though, isn't it? It's not a "problem" with your son. He wants to have more say in how he spends his time, as he develops independence. It's our job to work with them to achieve some kind of balance.

Why not let him have a snack and chill a bit after school, but insist that his chores/responsibilities get done before switching on the TV? If we don't do things in that order in our home, the chores never get done. (And by "chores" I mean simple things like emptying his bag and practising the instrument that he begged us to let him get lessons for - 5min practice is all we ask, so hardly onerous).

Also, connecting with friends through games is a huge part of kids' culture nowadays. That's not to say that they should be allowed unlimited access or to be able to talk to strangers, but connecting with friends in that way can be a really positive experience.

The best piece of advice I've heard so far about parenting a preteen/teen is that we as parents now need to shift into the role of co-manager with them, rather than manager.

I think you are putting too much pressure on him re setting him work to do if he does not have any hwk- I say this as a secondary school teacher. It will be relentless at school. The lad needs a break. Why does he have a tutor? Stick with him not having devices overnight, but apart from that you need to cut him some slack.

Why mention that the school is Grammer? What's that got to do with this (non) issue?

My brother went to a grammar school. It’s intense and hard work. Your son needs a bit of a break when he first gets home.

My brother and I would both game/watch tv for an hour when we got home from school to relax, then did our work, then did other hobbies.

If you don’t relax and loosen up a bit, your son will burn out and resent you.

I think it’s important that he has time to decompress after what is surely a more challenging school day than he had previously.
There’s nothing wrong with him having an hour or two before he starts working again - most adults would want it, so why shouldn’t a child.
And setting him extra work when he didn’t have homework is… a choice.

Wow! I certainly don't come home from and work and ...get straight to work. Why should an 11 year old be any different? He'll soon learn what routine works for him

My son is 16, in the middle of GCSEs. Even he takes an hour break after school to stare at his phone/play the piano/watch some nonsense on YouTube before revising for the next exam. He's predicated all 9s.

I'm not sure why you think school would get involved in DS's after school routine?

Poor kid. He gets a day off from homework and you jump in to give him work instead? Support him to ensure required work is done then let him relax. He's only in year 7 and the work will ramp up over the next few years so he'll get his chance to work hard then.

Is his day longer since starting secondary school? It's likely to be more intense than primary school so planned downtime is important.

Also his hormones/growth will start to kick in plus he will be feeling more pressure to fit in to larger peer groups. I think the first 3 years of secondary are the most challenging as development at that stage is enormous. Your 15 year old son will look and speak very from differently from 11 or 12.

I think keeping some level of discipline is positive and too many parents are hands off but you need to accept that he is on his way to adulthood and it's important he starts to make some of his own decisions. Look over a week rather than day to day. Does he get enough sleep, socialise, exercise, have family time and of course focus on his studies. A good life provides opportunities for all of these.

How's his school reports looking?