AIBU to speak to grammar school about DS11's changing behaviour?

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Since starting secondary school at a grammar school, DS11 has begun to develop some negative habits and is not consistently following rules, which appears to be influenced by peer pressure. Prior to starting secondary school, we had a clear routine in place where he would hand his phone to either me or his dad after school, complete his homework immediately, and if no homework was set, we would provide additional work for him. He followed this structure well at the time. Our routine typically involved collecting him from school, taking him to his tutor, and then returning home where he would get changed and complete any work set. However, since starting secondary school, his behaviour has changed, and he now tends to come home, watch television, and lounge around instead of focusing on his responsibilities. We have also noticed increased pressure from peers regarding gaming devices, with him frequently requesting them, despite these not being permitted in our home. As a result, I am considering arranging a meeting with the school to discuss these concerns, as I had initially expected that attending a grammar school would help improve his discipline and overall behaviour.

I can see you want the best for your son and that having a good education and achieving well academically will set him up well for later life. I don’t know what your background is but speaking of my own childhood, my parents were immigrants to the UK and doing well at school was seen as the best way to have choices and financially security. Money was not flowing for us but ok. There were no tutors and no grammar schools but my siblings and I went to good unis and have professional careers.
But the thing is there is so much more that a child needs to learn to live a good life. What you describe sounds joyless and removes all choices for your DS. He just has to follow the routine with no bright spots in the day and no autonomy. Does he know how to have fun? How to relax? How to take care of himself in terms of physical and mental health? How to navigate friendships? Stand up for himself? How to be kind and empathetic etc? How is his self esteem? Is it based mainly on results and meeting your expectations? All these things are things I have struggled with and am still struggling. I’ve no doubt my parents did what they absolutely thought was best and that they loved us. And I have benefitted. But I wish I’d been supported in all these other ways. That’s what I’m trying to do with my DD now 12. It’s hard but I have to let her be her own person. I might be rambling here but I hope it might be helpful in some way.

He's 11, does school all day, does a tutor and then extra work provided by his parents. He's suddenly realised that normal parents, even of presumably very bright kids, don't think their kids need to be working for longer than an adult work day all day, because they don't. Cut the tutor. If you don't want him gaming, help him to choose a couple of active clubs that he wants to do - marshal arts, sport, scouts etc. Give him a good amount of decompression time each night. play boardgames, work through craft activities, find other stuff he enjoys. Stop expecting your young kid to work harder than most adults!

The OP will be horrified to know that in the 6th form, I went to the pub and clubbing with my friends, as you could then, and still got into Cambridge.

Because my parents trusted me, and had done since I started secondary school, re the need to do the homework and also relax and have a social life.

I used to get this sort of rubbish from parents, S/He has become awful since starting High School and it's the school's fault, what are you going to do about it?

My standard response was to point out that starting High School at 11 unfortunately coincides with puberty about which we the school could do nothing!

Fucking hell, give that kid a break.

He’s obviously been talking to his friends at school, who don’t do half the shit you’re making your son do. And he’s rightly thinking: well, fuck this for a game of marbles.

Let him decompress and have some time to himself.

Retired secondary teacher and headteacher here. Yes, a few parents tend to think school can and should solve their parenting problems!

I'm with everyone so far - give the poor kid a break!

All grind and no downtime at all makes for rebellion. Your dictatorship sounds extremely unpleasant for a child to live under. What's his reward, he gets to sleep when you deem he's done enough work?

Yes, please do contact the school with your concerns than an 11 year old would like to game and isn't grinding every waking moment.

Your poor son. You sound controlling, verging on abusive.
You want your son to have an utterly joyless life and he has started to see that for himself, hence he is starting to (gently and passively) question the situation compared to his peers.
You are setting him up for mental health issues and a life of being a people pleaser.
Why isn’t he allowed a gaming device at his age?
I feel incredibly sorry for him being held back socially by you. What fun does he get to have?
What mental health/inner child issues do you have that you feel the need to control him so relentlessly?

This is a lot of pressure for your son. I went to a grammar school. I did all my homework, but didn't have tutors or do any extra work. I also didn't necessarily do my homework straight away. He will be tired and may need to decompress a bit from his day.

Grammar schools teach bright children. They typically give a reasonable amount of homework, but most children will have plenty of time (at least in year 7-9) for other hobbies, be that sport, music, gaming.

Your son has presumably worked hard to get into the school. I would ease off now and not work him so hard, or he may burn out. He is starting to see how other families do things and is feeling hard done by. Go easy on him!

Are you kidding??

Are you running Stalag 17?

Tutor every day after school?

Mine come.home, have a snack, 30mins of TV or gaming then onto homework. Then rest evening is sports or TV or gaming or hobbies

Bonkers post. You should absolutely talk to the school. The teachers need a good laugh! Honestly you're setting this poor kid up for burnout and going NC with you as soon as he can.

My oldest is yr 10 at a grammar school. Its a long, quite intense day. Once home, he does no hwk until after dinner. He will play on his switch or watch. It all still gets done and he has learned to manage his time. He is doing very well in all subjects.

Respectfully, lay off your poor son OP