AIBU to speak to grammar school about DS11's changing behaviour?

[FlakyNavyScroller]

Since starting secondary school at a grammar school, DS11 has begun to develop some negative habits and is not consistently following rules, which appears to be influenced by peer pressure. Prior to starting secondary school, we had a clear routine in place where he would hand his phone to either me or his dad after school, complete his homework immediately, and if no homework was set, we would provide additional work for him. He followed this structure well at the time. Our routine typically involved collecting him from school, taking him to his tutor, and then returning home where he would get changed and complete any work set. However, since starting secondary school, his behaviour has changed, and he now tends to come home, watch television, and lounge around instead of focusing on his responsibilities. We have also noticed increased pressure from peers regarding gaming devices, with him frequently requesting them, despite these not being permitted in our home. As a result, I am considering arranging a meeting with the school to discuss these concerns, as I had initially expected that attending a grammar school would help improve his discipline and overall behaviour.

Why does he need to do additional work daily after school? He's at a grammar school so presumably isn't behind academically so I can't imagine why this is needed?

He's been at school all day and at a grammar school that will mean he's spent 6 hours in a quite a highly academic challenging environment, why shouldn't he have a bit of down time after school?

If he was having daily tutoring it sounds like he was overly hothoused in order to secure the grammar school place.... Is he now struggling because of this?

Your routine sounds far too rigid and joyless. Your DS is still a child but will soon be a teenager and he needs to be learning to manage his own study and leisure times. He needs to be allowed to make choices and to sometimes get things wrong. Of course we don't want our DC to make dangerous mistakes but you ought to give him some relaxation time and opportunities to build friendships. Discuss with him how much homework you all think is reasonable and when that will be done but his current behaviour is definitely not something his school need to be involved with.

Wow sounds miserable for him. Let him have a device just monitor how long hes on it. I wouldn't force my son to do his homework straight after school , just as long as he does it at some point before bed.

Poor kid, too much. When does he get downtime? Seems like he is naturally pushing back on the intensity of academics, not school itself, nor is it their responsibility. If you don’t give him some space soon he will rebel completely.

So, which part of your post describes what it is that your 11 year old son is doing wrong? You want a meeting with school because your son is doing nothing wrong? Okaaaay.

Can you explain the problems you’re seeing with his behaviour, because from what you’ve written I’m not seeing anything. He’s a pre-teen child, not a mini adult.

To put it bluntly, ‘you’re ruining his childhood’.

Carry-on and you’ll put him off learning all together. He’ll rebel!

I have two kids both in grammar, one selective and one super selective. They do the work set and revise for exams. Other than this, my son enjoys gaming (he’s year 12) and my daughter enjoys her theatre school (he’s year 10). They are happy, so we are happy. They get good/great grades at school even with owning every device under the sun.

Let your child be a child and he will do his best at school along the way.

I tend to agree that this is pretty dull for an 11 year old but what I think is missing is not gaming, but fun. Does he do sports (preferably non competitive!), read, play chess (also not competitive), go out on his bike, make Lego models, watch films, go to town with his friends for a hot chocolate or a film, have a pet, make stuff, play in the park or the woods, go to Scouts? Or is it all school, homework or tutor?

Are you his parent or his commanding officer in the military? When does he ever get to have fun or participate in all the activities that his peers are doing - sports, gaming? I can hardly wait to hear what the school says to you in a meeting.

@FlakyNavyScroller he is a child , leave him alone , life is not about a constant round of schoolwork / tutors / homework , he sounds perfectly normal to me . What exactly do you think the school are going to do ?

Hes 11. Wtf are his responsibilities

Why cant he have some access to games?

Hopefully ‘back-off! He’s doing great and deserves fun after school’.

If you don’t want him gaming that’s fair enough but you have to make sure he has a way of socialising elsewhere (as this is how a lot of kids will socialise).

I have an 11 year old year 7. She does sports a couple of times a week, will ‘hang out’ with a friends a few times a week (go to each others houses, the park, the shop etc) and chill on other days. She’ll watch telly/ YouTube etc.

We let her do her homework whenever but will remind her through the week. That’s all though.

Does he have hobbies?

Why would you 'set extra work' for him if he'd no homework?

That's OTT. And you sound way too strict.

And saying gaming devices are not permitted in our home makes you sound like you think they're the equivalent of hard drugs or something.

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy…”

(and possibly develop mental health issues)

You sound really scary tbh. He’s only 11, passed the 11+ and got into a grammar school but you’re still demanding he sees a tutor and you set extra work if school haven’t! I dread to think what you’ll be like when he reaches year 10… Poor kid, give him a break and let him watch some YouTube.

You sound like my MIL. DH has nothing to do with her any more.

Let the kid breathe, fgs.

It's sounds like he went to tutoring every day and then homework? That's crazy.
My daughter has 11+ tutoring once a week for 2 hours, no chance I am asking her to do anything after school plus 2 hours tutoring other than have dinner, shower and bed.
Her school homework takes her 30 mins per week, plus we do a couple 30 mins 11+ homework, and even then I think I'm possibly pushing her too much and need to step it down - after all, they are children, not mini adults.

Is he being rude to you? Not completing his school homework? Not getting himself to school on time? Getting detentions? I can't see any issues with what you have said so I guess there must be something much more to this?

You're not going to get any support for your tiger parenting ways on mumsnet! If you want support from like minded individuals you could try an expats in britain facebook group.

What are you hoping to achieve? What's your end goal? Is there any consideration to your son enjoying his childhood/youth or are you purely focused on academic achievement?

I guess it points to a certain expectation on op’s part, with emphasis on academics. If he needed tutoring to secure the place maybe it was not the best school for him especially if that is ongoing and he resents it.

Why is it being a grammar school relevant?

Yes I agree with others. I see no challenging behaviour here.

Many 11yos have gaming consoles, he probably just wants to fit in with his new peers. I think that's fine, and can be regulated in terms of age-appropriateness and time spent playing. Watching TV is also fine.

Maybe discuss with him how to structure his evening; perhaps a time to relax on getting in from school (does he have a long commute? Secondary school is very full-on and tiring) with a snack and some play/TV followed by HW and then some TV/gaming time. You might find he is a bit more amenable then. Or could he take up sport or music lessons or something else away from schoolwork?

I don't think you need a meeting with school about any of this. It's for you to sort as a family.

As a side note, I'm a bit sad that you would give him extra work if no HW from primary school. And after an hour's tutoring as well? Really there was no need.

This. Poor poor child. A full day at school, straight to tutoring and just no down time in between.
what a life.

My god OP CHILL OUT!!! The poor boy... he is doing nothing wrong it is all perfectly normal pre teen boy behaviour. Let him have some space to relax and be a kid. If you don't this could end very badly for you. They don't need structure and rules 24/7 and as for responsibilities 😂he is 11 years old.