Catholic guilt?

[Felixfox]

I only went to catholic school for 3 years (first 3 years of school) and I am CONSTANTLY feelingly guilty . Is it the school or just me? It was a terrible place. I remember one of the fathers coming into our classroom just as a pupil was leaving as he was feeling sick. Father promptly sent him back to his desk for us all to pray, this boy was physically sick but we had to carry on with the prayer. His parting shot was a question. To a bunch of 6 year olds. Do you all pray before bed at night? We all mumbled yes. To which he replied,’Good, because otherwise you will go to hell.’ It scared the crap out of me. V complicated story with parents and my brother and I going there. My mother was a nun and left
’God will never forgive you’ and so maybe to usage some hideous and unfair guilt from that was to send us to a catholic school. The point is, I am nearly 50 and I still feel guilty all the time about pretty much anything. Will it go? I’ve tried counseling. What do I do? How do you leave a part of yourself behind?

I think OP is Catholic anyway, not just her schooling

I went to a catholic primary school and a catholic high school. I’ve had a communion, but always thought it was shite. I’m religious but not monotheistic or catholic. I always questioned everything, why are we being forced into confession? I’ve got nothing to confess I’m 8 years old!! As soon as you start questioning it you lose faith and you lose the guilt.

Being Catholic doesn't come with guilt.

It's like blaming any other religion for the shit choices people choose to make.

Born in Ireland, raised by catholic parents with only catholic people around us and went to primary and secondary school in catholic schools. I feel guilty about nothing, am a very happy atheist and raising my kids agnostic. Catholicism is bloody hypocrisy and no religion or belief system should make you feel guilty for living your own life.

I'm lefthanded and went to a Catholic primary and then a convent grammar. I remember at 5 yrs old one of the nuns walking between the desks and came to me writing with my left hand. She knocked the pencil out of my hand and shouted at five year old me using my left hand was a sign of the devil. I had been 'warned' before to use my right hand, but l wasn't disobeying her it was a subconscious thing to use my left hand without thinking.l was such a bag of nerves after that l picked up my pencil off the floor and started using my left hand, again without thinking. I then got a smack round the head for that.

I was brought up a catholic and the guilt can really fuck with your personal growth. I eventually dumped it (took a long time to feel brave enough to do it). I’m now athiest, feel very much better in myself and brought my own children up with no religion to let them make their own minds up. They are so much more confident and at ease than I ever was growing up with the threat of hell or purgatory over every minor mistake I might make (not so much my parents but church and other more zealous relatives).

I despise the catholic church and still occasionally have imaginary conversations with my (long dead) relatives that I wish I had been brave enough to have back then. And imaginary arguments I wish I’d had with the priests at Catechism that I wasn’t old enough or insightful enough to have back then.

The catholic religion is designed to keep you obedient and scared. (As are most religions).

Just you. I went to a catholic school and suffered no ill treatment from anyone unless you count a nasal overdose of Old Spice due to a male teacher drowning himself in it. No religious indoctrination, or at least none that stuck.

Scottish Presbyterianism works on a similar principle (state school in Scotland).

Guilt is very much part of being raised a catholic. Some are lucky to let it wash over them but the guilt aspect is definitely a big part of the religion. At least it was when I was growing up in the 60s/70s. Perhaps its loosened its grip, thankfully I’ve had nothing to do with it for many years so don’t know if its modernised to be more palatable.

This is exactly why I despise religion.

I went to a private Catholic convent for 3 years. I’m not Catholic. Luckily after I got in trouble the nuns thought I was damned anyway so I don’t have the guilt. My Catholic Irish (lapsed) stepdad has the guilt though, altar boy in west of Ireland, he stopped attending church at age 12. I don’t actually think my Catholic school friends and boyfriend (all Catholic) have much guilt to be fair. None of them go to mass regularly but do church for christenings, funerals and weddings. Even my best friend who worked for a Catholic diocese, well she has guilt but that’s partly due to bullying at work, she won’t set foot inside a church now, so it’s not really due to her upbringing. My stepdad and step grandmother were/are always making jokes about it, especially if a priest had an affair, children, that sort of thing. My stepdad jokes about the rub of the relic.

And yet I and several other posters on the thread had extremely devout Catholic upbringings and educations (my parents were both daily massgoers, we had the rosary in the evenings, I was a member of the Legion of Mary, I was at a convent school from 4 to eighteen) and have none of this 'crushing' guilt.

That's you, not Catholicism.

It’s great that many people who went through a Catholic upbringing are absolutely fine. However I think it’s a bit rude to come on this thread and assert 100% confidently that there is no way that religious messaging about us all being inherently sinful, God knowing your innermost thoughts, going to hell if you break the rules etc., could possibly have had a long lasting impact on OP and it’s entirely her own problem, nothing to do with religion. Especially as some others say they have similar feelings.
Having said that, it would probably be useful to OP to think about whether family relationships etc growing up may have contributed to this as well.

I don't think it is necessarily true or fair to say it is a "you" problem, as some posters are.

I think that it has much to do with how Catholicism was taught. I was taught that I needed to examine my conscience and that guilt was my conscience prompting me to change my behaviour, as it meant that I was straying from the path of true Catholic observance. So guilt was very much used as a tool in my upbringing, both at home and at school, to help enforce what was seen as good Catholic behaviour. I was regularly reminded that even if my parents / teachers could not observe my conscience, God could and therefore there was no hiding from him. I think that kind of messaging repeated constantly for 14 years could result in some unhealthy beliefs. You only have to google "Catholic Guilt" to see that it is a thing suffered by many people - so not just the poster and me!!!!

I'm just saying to get over it.

And that all that 'Ooh, Catholic guilt' stuff largely comes from the same brand of tired external stereotype as 'Convent girls are begging for it' and 'Nuns and priests are secretly at it like knives'.

I'm in Scotland but I completely agree with you, I'm middle aged and my experience of growing up and living as a Catholic bears no relation to some of the stuff I've read on here.

I think is into victim blaming territory.

Some children may be able to brush off people in authority telling them they will burn in hell, others won't.

I think it is easy to dismiss/not understand Catholic guilt (and maybe other religious guilt too) if you haven't grown up with it.
One of my clearest early memories is a sense of shame and fear that my dead (non-Catholic) grandad would be stuck in purgatory and was relying on my prayers to upgrade him to heaven.
I think that sense of your thoughts and feelings being watched and judged is hard to move on from. I stopped attending church in my early teens, though I attended Catholic school from 4-18. I would describe myself as an ex-Catholic - I don't feel like you can completely get rid of it, even if you want to.
I've deliberately raised my own children with no religion and prioritised a complete absence of religion in the schools they attended (the easiest choice would have been a 'small c' C of E school).

It’s just you, OP. 3 years is absolutely nothing. I was raised Catholic by devout parents and went to a single-sex convent school and a very Catholic prep. You couldn’t get much more Catholic.

My schools may have been quite progressive - there was never mention of hell, purgatory or guilt.

Like every single one of my friends from school, I’m completely god-less and guilt free now. But did we all get our kids baptised as Catholics to get them into good schools? Yes. Are all those young adults kids now passionate atheists? Also yes 😂

I went to catholic school my whole life and always knew from a very young age that their version of christianity was tripe. I just ignored all of it and did the minimum to appear compliant. Im now pagan and feel not one shred of guilt.
You need to let it go. Plenty of women feel guilt about everything without being catholic. We need to learn not to care so much about what other people think.
The religion isnt all bad. I knew many lovely nuns. My best friend is a gay catholic priest who feels no guilt at being gay at all and has been fully accepted into his church.
I do think forced celibacy is a bad idea though. Its a bomb waiting to go off.

I'm sorry that's your experience you if you grew up in the 60s that's before the OP was born.

I'm slightly older than the OP and not my experience

My DC both went to Catholic primary schools from around 2011 until 2020 and not my most recent experience.

It about the individual and their own outlook.

@OriginalPedant so what were the Catholic beliefs that you were taught at school?

Purgatory & Hell are part of the Cathechism of the Catholic Church.

Catholic school taken in isolation may not have the same effect, but having to go to church and catechism every Sunday and an array of very catholic relatives is enough to send anyone to atheism 😬😩

Duplicated

OP I went to a Catholic school in Northern Ireland and we were often told to fear the devil, shown anti abortion videos at school, told that sex before marriage was a sin, learn prayers off by heart for confirmation that we had to recite in the principals office etc etc. It doesn't affect me now and I'm not a practising Catholic anymore (more of an agnostic). I do have a lot of health anxiety as an adult. I was chatting to one of my sisters as she has anxiety too and we thought it probably stems from our childhood, Catholic upbringing and the troubles. I teach in a catholic primary school now and I try to approach our RE lessons in a more respectful and gentle way. I have tried CBT for my anxiety which helped a little. You should look into it. It would probably help.

OP, my heart goes out to you - sounds like you had some horrible experiences and there is a lot weighing on your mind

I went to Catholic school as a non-Catholic in the 1990s and there was an element of emphasis on sin and guilt that was pretty heavy. I am probably dyspraxic but was never diagnosed and I was made to feel like my inability to hold a pen properly, wear my uniform neatly or pass my cycling proficiency test were moral failings....

However I think until very recently there was a lot of fear-based teaching in Catholic schools which at times strayed into superstition and paranoia, and an excessive emphasis on sin without the other side of the story - redemption and God's unfathomable love for us. I also think that there were nuns, teachers and priests in previous generations who had a mean streak, who were misogynist and who had absolutely no business being in positions of authority over kids. There was also some straight-up terrible catechesis.

However... Fast forward to 2026 and I have actually converted to Catholicism!! (A story for another post) Pope Francis was my biggest inspiration and I think he has ushered in a much more compassionate variety of Catholicism, and the wonderful Pope Leo is continuing that legacy.

During my RCIA course as I prepared to become Catholic I never once felt that same morbid obsession with sin and guilt as I experienced at school on the 1990s. Of course sin is a very real thing and we must guard against it and repent of it. That has not changed and never will. But the hellfire and brimstone has been totally absent from the conversation. Confession is now referred to as the sacrament of reconciliation and the emphasis is on rebuilding your relationship with God if your actions have caused you to move away from him. It's not a tick box exercise in disclosing what a crappy person you are in order to avoid damnation. When I came out of that confession box for the first time the most overwhelming thing I felt was God's love for me.

As a previous posted said, I recommend looking up the Sycamore course and any videos by Father Stephen Wang. He is really good at explaining the basics principles of Catholicism and I think he might have some insights for you that will put your mind at ease.

Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble but I think Catholicism in previous generations had some nasty undercurrents which were cultural and of their time. I think if you came back to the church now (at least my one in London) you would find a happier and lighter environment. I know it's brought me a lot of peace.

Wishing you all the best in figuring things out. Remember God loves you 💖