AIBU to think my relationship isn't viable any more?

[Redcliffe1]

I split up from my ex 4 years ago and ever since we have been doing 50/50 - one week on one week off. We have 2 kids and I never had any interest in bringing in a new adult to thier lives (both austic) so kept any dating for the weeks they are not here.

A couple of years I met someone who lives in a HMO with a strict no overnight guests policy so he would just stay here when we see each other. My youngest who's 11 (almost 12) is saying he doesn't want to go to his dads anymore (he can't say why) so I haven't seen my boyfriend in over 4 weeks. I've booked an hotel for next weekend (my ex is going to stay here) so we can spend some time together but financially that's not something either one of us can do often . My son seems to be struggling with his mental health- lots of meltdowns so not the right time for me to spring a new adult on him. Do I just need to accept that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship?

Depends

nothing wrong with a HMO but is your partner planning to move? Is he supportive?

why doesn’t your youngest want to go to his dads anymore?

Not this one anyway, unless he is willing to change his accommodation . . .

If your boyfriend’s HMO situation is unchangeable (halfway house?) and/or he can’t afford or doesn’t want to change it, then yes. Your own situation makes perfect sense and you have done all the hosting until now. I would look at it the other way: your boyfriend can’t be in a relationship right now as he expects to only ever stay at his girlfriend’s place.

Yeah either you end the relationship or your partner moves to his own place or a place that allows over night guests. It’s a shame but needs must

What's the situation with the HMO?

I’m sure you know his situation but it has to be said - he’s not married is he? Stranger things have happened.

2 years is more than fine to introduce him.

The OP doesn’t want to, and has also explained some of her reasons.

Not when she’s clearly explained her autistic son is struggling with his mental health right now and it’s a bad time to introduce someone

Someone who lives in a HMO that doesn’t allow overnight guests shouldn’t be dating, with an expectation of that dating progressing to sleeping together, unless they’re willing to fork out regularly for a hotel.

The cost of the hotel should be all on him. You’ve hosted him plenty enough already.

If he’s not willing to stick his hand in his pocket then dump him.

I agree. It was only on re-reading that I saw that the OP had booked the hotel. And she’s looking at the situation as if SHE’S the one who shouldn’t be dating right now.

So this new chap…. He rents a room in a house share? So very low income?

Not someone I’d be dating in your position

What’s the deal with the HMO? And yes I think you might have to accept it’s not going to work at this point in your life with a combination of yours and his circumstances.

The HMO is just what he can afford- we live in London where even a studio is out of his range . I have been there (just not overnight) so not married and I am by far the higher earner (and the hotel was part of his birthday present so I said Id pay). Dispite his salary we have always gone half on everything so he's not tight - just has a job he really enjoys and is good at that doesn't pay enough for a flat.

How old is he? Does he have any kids?

Can you actually see any kind of long term future with him?

My boyfriend is supportive . As for why my youngest doesn't want to go to his dads - he can't seem to articulate why.

When will be a good time? Presumably there will always be struggles.

Discuss it with boyfriend?
If he just lives in a regular shared house, and it's important to keep you in his life, surely he can consider moving to one that allows overnight guests? That's not uncommon st all. I hope you get to the bottom of whatever is bothering your son. Is there something he has at home he doesn't want to be without?

I would tell your boyfriend the truth - that your son is having some difficulties right now which mean he'll be full time at your house for a while instead of going to his dad's as before. Tell bf that you don't know how long this will last. Say that you were happy to pick up the hotel cost for a special occasion but can't afford it on a regular basis. See what he says. It shouldn't be up to you to find the solution, and he knows best what his options are and what he's willing to do (if anything).

As a side note (not that you asked), I'd be a little worried about son not wanting to go to his dad's but apparently happy to have dad come to him. Is it possible that someone has been bullying or even abusing him when he's at his dad's?

How is that going to solve the problem? She can't leave the 12yo home alone while she sleeps over at her boyfriend's place!

Do you think your son has worked that you have a boyfriend who stays whilst he is at his Dads?

If the relationship is important to your bf then he will accept understand he can’t stay overnight until your ds is settled again

Where is the 12yr old staying when you go to the hotel? With family? It might be that now he is 12 and has started to articulate that he doesn’t want to go, he just stops going. Even if he had his own place, you can’t leave the 12yr old home alone overnight, so you wouldn’t be able to stay over anyway without a babysitter. And i’d imagine he wouldn’t be too keen on this either if was a regular thing.

I started dating briefly when my kids were teens and at first I stayed over every few weeks (kids thought I was with friends) but once my older son went to Uni, that had to stop as DD was 14, and I didn’t leave her overnight until 16. Her dad was working overseas, so it has meant i’ve dated very little over the years.

@Zanatdy Where is the 12yr old staying when you go to the hotel?

Her ex is staying in the house with him.

Poor thing

no brainer. Your relationship needs to end

I feel if I say that he will just say he will wait for things to resolve themselves but I don't know when that might be. My son isn't 100% happy that his dad is coming here but will talk to him when he's here and there isn't anyone else at my exs house apart from him so no concerns that someone is hurting him. My ex is stricter than me so I think that has played a part.