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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my relationship isn't viable any more?

65 replies

Redcliffe1 · 20/05/2026 19:06

I split up from my ex 4 years ago and ever since we have been doing 50/50 - one week on one week off. We have 2 kids and I never had any interest in bringing in a new adult to thier lives (both austic) so kept any dating for the weeks they are not here.

A couple of years I met someone who lives in a HMO with a strict no overnight guests policy so he would just stay here when we see each other. My youngest who's 11 (almost 12) is saying he doesn't want to go to his dads anymore (he can't say why) so I haven't seen my boyfriend in over 4 weeks. I've booked an hotel for next weekend (my ex is going to stay here) so we can spend some time together but financially that's not something either one of us can do often . My son seems to be struggling with his mental health- lots of meltdowns so not the right time for me to spring a new adult on him. Do I just need to accept that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 08:34

Blueblell · 21/05/2026 01:59

Do you think your son has worked that you have a boyfriend who stays whilst he is at his Dads?

If the relationship is important to your bf then he will accept understand he can’t stay overnight until your ds is settled again

Its possible he has worked it out. I can't see my youngest going back to his dads any time soon - he seems very sure of his decision.

OP posts:
EasilyPleased · 21/05/2026 08:36

Cheeble · 20/05/2026 19:10

If your boyfriend’s HMO situation is unchangeable (halfway house?) and/or he can’t afford or doesn’t want to change it, then yes. Your own situation makes perfect sense and you have done all the hosting until now. I would look at it the other way: your boyfriend can’t be in a relationship right now as he expects to only ever stay at his girlfriend’s place.

This.

Imgoingtobefree · 21/05/2026 09:28

Do you think it possible that your boyfriend could look for another place that doesn’t have the overnight restriction - maybe another flatshare or HMO?

Alateone · 21/05/2026 14:57

I’d be more concerned as to why my son has suddenly started to not want to go to his dad’s and can’t articulate why than whether or not a I can my boyfriend who doesn’t have anywhere for me to stay.

Alateone · 21/05/2026 14:58

Has your son met your boyfriend?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/05/2026 17:48

Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 08:34

Its possible he has worked it out. I can't see my youngest going back to his dads any time soon - he seems very sure of his decision.

Show quote history

If you’ve been with this guy for a few years why is he still a secret? I understand not introducing him, but why lie about having a partner?

OpheliaNightingale · 21/05/2026 17:54

@Redcliffe1 if your youngest is happy to see dad at yours, dad could come over to see them there. You are then free to see your partner at his, or go on dates, returning home at the end of the evening.

Laura95167 · 21/05/2026 19:06

In all of this im biggest concern is why DS doesnt want to stay with his dad ans isnt happy hes visiting?!?

Alateone · 21/05/2026 19:07

Laura95167 · 21/05/2026 19:06

In all of this im biggest concern is why DS doesnt want to stay with his dad ans isnt happy hes visiting?!?

Exactly
that would be mine
but doesn’t seem to be the case here

AltitudeCheck · 21/05/2026 19:14

The HMO isn't really relevant to the current problem. If your son is refusing to go to dad's going forwards then surely you need to be at home with him and can't be away overnight, that'd still be the case even if bf had his own place? You really need to get to the bottom of / solve whatever is stopping your son from wanting to stay at his dad's. Is it possible son knows you have a bf and is upset about that (it can suddenly hit when teens put 2+2 together and realise mum's 'friend' is not just a pal) and is he using this to prevent you seeing him?

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 19:44

Of course my biggest concern is my sons relationship with his dad but no one on munsnet is going to know the answer to that . Both me and his dad are trying to get to the bottom of it.

My boyfriend isn't a secret- he has met my son a couple of times - but I don't really talk about him with my son so I don't think that is playing a part.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/05/2026 19:46

Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 19:44

Of course my biggest concern is my sons relationship with his dad but no one on munsnet is going to know the answer to that . Both me and his dad are trying to get to the bottom of it.

My boyfriend isn't a secret- he has met my son a couple of times - but I don't really talk about him with my son so I don't think that is playing a part.

What did you mean he might have worked it out then?

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 19:46

OpheliaNightingale · 21/05/2026 17:54

@Redcliffe1 if your youngest is happy to see dad at yours, dad could come over to see them there. You are then free to see your partner at his, or go on dates, returning home at the end of the evening.

He lives 90 minutes away - we could meet in the middle for a few hours I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 19:48

Imgoingtobefree · 21/05/2026 09:28

Do you think it possible that your boyfriend could look for another place that doesn’t have the overnight restriction - maybe another flatshare or HMO?

Its not impossible I guess - he has a really good deal both location and price so would be a shame to give it up but might be the only solution

OP posts:
Alateone · 21/05/2026 19:49

Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 19:46

He lives 90 minutes away - we could meet in the middle for a few hours I guess.

Show quote history

Sounds crap.

So he lives 90 mins away. He lives in a HMO that doesn’t allow overnight visitor.

How old is he? Does he have any children?

do you love him??

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 20:31

Alateone · 21/05/2026 19:49

Sounds crap.

So he lives 90 mins away. He lives in a HMO that doesn’t allow overnight visitor.

How old is he? Does he have any children?

do you love him??

Show quote history

He is 2 years younger than me - so 53. His kids are all adults. I do love him

OP posts:
Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:41

He’s 53 and he lives in a HMO that doesn’t allow overnight visitors. So basically he rents a room?

you started a thread that you don’t think the relationship is viable anymore.

It is not

have you ever met his kids?

IsItTheBlackOneOrTheRedOne · 21/05/2026 21:09

Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 19:48

Its not impossible I guess - he has a really good deal both location and price so would be a shame to give it up but might be the only solution

Show quote history

It’s not a good deal if you can’t treat the place like home! I lived in many London flatshares over the years. Never was I told I couldn’t have an overnight guest. It’s like those religious halls of residence- funny when you’re 19 but deeply unattractive at 53.

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 21:18

Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:41

He’s 53 and he lives in a HMO that doesn’t allow overnight visitors. So basically he rents a room?

you started a thread that you don’t think the relationship is viable anymore.

It is not

have you ever met his kids?

Edited

I have met one of them

OP posts:
Zoec1975 · 21/05/2026 21:31

Redcliffe1 · 20/05/2026 19:06

I split up from my ex 4 years ago and ever since we have been doing 50/50 - one week on one week off. We have 2 kids and I never had any interest in bringing in a new adult to thier lives (both austic) so kept any dating for the weeks they are not here.

A couple of years I met someone who lives in a HMO with a strict no overnight guests policy so he would just stay here when we see each other. My youngest who's 11 (almost 12) is saying he doesn't want to go to his dads anymore (he can't say why) so I haven't seen my boyfriend in over 4 weeks. I've booked an hotel for next weekend (my ex is going to stay here) so we can spend some time together but financially that's not something either one of us can do often . My son seems to be struggling with his mental health- lots of meltdowns so not the right time for me to spring a new adult on him. Do I just need to accept that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship?

When I was young I told my mum i didn’t want to go to my dads anymore.I wouldn’t tell her straight away as I was too embarrassed.he used to put me in a camp bed at the bottom of his bed.then have sex with his wife when they went to bed and wake me up.

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 21/05/2026 21:49

I am so sorry that happened to you

OP posts:
Babyboomer50 · 22/05/2026 07:12

Is the father in a relationship ? Perhaps that is where the problem is . Your son is 12 so almost a teenager . I would still see your partner and your son will have to get used to it . Personally in all aspects just how much are you giving into appease your son . He just maybe unhappy where ever he is and its adolescence . Over the years I have seen parents give up by pleasing their children at the expense of their happiness for it all to go pear shaped .

Anonymouse27 · 22/05/2026 07:21

It's not even really about bf living in an HMO though. If your DS doesn't want to go to his dad, he will have to be with you. This means you couldn't go and stay over with a bf anyway?

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 22/05/2026 08:30

Babyboomer50 · 22/05/2026 07:12

Is the father in a relationship ? Perhaps that is where the problem is . Your son is 12 so almost a teenager . I would still see your partner and your son will have to get used to it . Personally in all aspects just how much are you giving into appease your son . He just maybe unhappy where ever he is and its adolescence . Over the years I have seen parents give up by pleasing their children at the expense of their happiness for it all to go pear shaped .

It feels a bit deeper than just not being happy to go there. Like more of a shut down. The move from a small primary to a large secondary as puberty kicks in has been really hard for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 22/05/2026 08:31

Anonymouse27 · 22/05/2026 07:21

It's not even really about bf living in an HMO though. If your DS doesn't want to go to his dad, he will have to be with you. This means you couldn't go and stay over with a bf anyway?

My ex is happy to stay at mine if needed - he misses seeing his son

OP posts: