AIBU to think my relationship isn't viable any more?

[Redcliffe1]

I split up from my ex 4 years ago and ever since we have been doing 50/50 - one week on one week off. We have 2 kids and I never had any interest in bringing in a new adult to thier lives (both austic) so kept any dating for the weeks they are not here.

A couple of years I met someone who lives in a HMO with a strict no overnight guests policy so he would just stay here when we see each other. My youngest who's 11 (almost 12) is saying he doesn't want to go to his dads anymore (he can't say why) so I haven't seen my boyfriend in over 4 weeks. I've booked an hotel for next weekend (my ex is going to stay here) so we can spend some time together but financially that's not something either one of us can do often . My son seems to be struggling with his mental health- lots of meltdowns so not the right time for me to spring a new adult on him. Do I just need to accept that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship?

Is it dad’s house he doesn’t want to go to, or he doesn’t want to see his dad at all?
If it’s the latter, you are a bit stuck and your relationship will need to be put on hold.

The move to secondary can be so difficult for our autistic kids, so many of them end up burning out. I think you are absolutely right in putting his needs first. It may just be that with the move to secondary, changing houses each week is just too much to cope with. Added to this if you are his safe person a week might too long to be away from you if he is struggling. I would make sure that he is spending as much time as possible doing whatever he does to recharge and rest. I presume you've already spoken to school, I hope they're being supportive.
Does your son have a good understanding of his autism and how it affects him? This could also be useful for him. Autism Understood is a great website for young people exploring their diagnosis.
I know none of this is helpful for your relationship, but if you are both in love, it's worth trying to give it some time to see how things pan out. With time and understanding hopefully things will get easier for your son.
And if your ex is willing to come over to yours that is always an option. It is important to look after yourself and to think about your own wellbeing, and if your partner is understanding it doesn't sound as if you are at the end of the road.
Sending love and wishing you all the best - I'm sure you will work something out.

What does your boyfriend suggest? Maybe it means you can only see each other in the daytime until your son settles again?

A man in his 50s renting a room in a HMO surely can’t afford to do much ever. Where’s the fun?

and practically he’s not going to have a pension or savings - so where does that leave the relationship when your son moves out. Do you see a genuine future with him?

Put your kids and your own stable living situation first. Anything else is secondary.

Thank you so much. I suspect your right - we knew secondary was going to be hard . He went to a lovely small primary where his teacher really loved his quirkyness (or did a good job appearing to!) and he had a really close friend that he spent most of his time with. School have been great - the head senco lead really seems to get him and is great finding practical solutions to issues. Ill give it some time and see

Well part of the reason for being in a HMO is so he can afford to go out. He is very firm on him paying his way so it makes sense.

So zero pension or savings or assets. In his 50s.

Do you see a future with him?

He does have a pension- not sure why you would think he hasn't. I can - he is a great person to spend time with and does a lot for me.

You’re not sure why I’d think a man in his mid fifties renting a room, with zero assets and the only way he can afford to go out is by renting a room doesn’t have a pension?

What does he do for you? Given he lives 90 mins away (does he drive?) and doesn’t have anywhere for you to stay? Genuine question

He is really good company. He does a lot for me in terms of practical stuff around my house - I was really down a few weeks ago about the mess my house was in and he surprised me by taking a days leave and cleaned the whole thing. Hes painted my front room for me, he a good holiday partner. So he does a lot

And neither you nor him have ever cheated? Or considered cheating?

The assumptions about your partner on this thread are quite nasty.

Honestly @Redcliffe1 , this is a lovely, heart warming thread to read.

You have great co-parenting with ex, you both want to support your son, and there is also a helpful senco on the scene.

Current partner is loving, good company & supportive.

I really hope this difficulty will pass and the relationship remains. It's not the end of the world havito wait a bit for the right person.

When you say he doesn’t want to go to his dad’s anymore, do you mean he wants to see him but just doesn’t want to go to his house? Or he doesn’t want to see his dad at all anymore?

If he doesn’t want to see him, and you’re talking about you and your ex getting to the bottom of it, I’m a bit concerned that you’re putting your sex life before the need to ascertain your child’s reasons for not wanting to go there. Could he be a danger to your son? And you’re inviting him to stay at yours overnight, which is horrifying if it’s something more than him struggling to transition to a new school. And still pretty awful if it’s innocent, considering your ex is probably going to take the chance to really put him on the spot about his reasons. Shouldn’t you be getting to the bottom of it before leaving him in the care of someone he’s told you he doesn’t want to spend time with?

What? Where’s that come from? Not from OP, that’s for sure.

Two years into the relationship, if this carries on I think it would not be unreasonable to explore whether your partner could find a different home that does allow overnight visitors. It wouldn't be asking him to move in together, it seems an OK thing to ask after 2 years together. ETA I'm not sure he will be keen, and maybe there is something to read into that. It should be very achievable to find somewhere to ljve that allows guests.

Your son might be tolerating your ex staying at yours, but it's probably not a good solution for him either. Limping on with your ex having overnights at yours may be contributing to keeping DS in this overwhelmed state, delaying getting to the bottom of it.

@Amirina he is in mid fifties in a rented room and lives and works 90 mins away. I imagine his options for moving are very limited

What a lovely post! I hope so too . I think my son prefers my house (he has a trampoline and a loft bed here neither of which my ex can fit into his house) and Im a bit more relaxed about things in gereal. So I hope we can work something out.

I do completely understand what your saying. I lived with his dad for 20 years, we have an older son who completely loves living with his dad on his weeks on and I genuinely don't think anything untoward has happened. When his dad does spend time here (so over half term as I had to go into the office) my ex said that our son seemed to warm up to him a bit so I don't think him not seeing his dad at all is the answer. We have started seeing a specialist so this might be a good question for her.