AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Get an au pair - they can help with walking the dogs and housework and baby sitting.

THen look at tasks you do that DH could do whilst away for example the bills. Then tell him you are no longer doing that and he can do that in the evenings from his hotel room. And don't pay them. Forget any birthdays etc for his side of the family.

OP some people here just enjoy criticising. I think you are being very reasonable and responsible. You can’t rehome your dogs at first inconvenience, specially if is because your partner decided to be selfish. Is not due to illness or other major reasons. And I hope you don’t have to divorce him, and that he chooses your marriage over the job, but if not off you go! It will be easier either because he will take his share of custody or he will have to pay CM so you will be able to get a nanny. Plus you can’t be unhappy for someone who doesn’t care about your feelings and workload. I wish you all the best!

You’re not in the least unreasonable @Poptart22 bizarre the amount of people - I assume jealous of the lovely life you’ve built - who are giving you a kicking.

I personally would wait until you’ve all had a lovely weekend and a lovely dinner, wait until he’s relaxed and then tell him. Not to be cruel, but to make it very, very clear to him that you have meant every single word you’ve said and that he has two choices - reflect deeply, apologise deeply, step the fuck up and show some character, or fuck off, knowing what he’s losing. Also hand him a copy of “Fair Play” while you do it.

Harsh i may sound. But rehome the large dogs. Cat you can manage. Change your job so you can manage the children and tell him to clear off

My DP tooK a job that meant constant travel - away a week or two every month. I asked them not to, but their ambition outweighed that.
The argument was always - I’m doing it for all of us for the ££ and security. That wasn’t true. We had enough money and both had good jobs. DP did it because they define themselves by success and success for them means having a big job, making money, having colleagues value them.

I was left juggling a baby, toddler, job ( & a dog) and my career came secondary to DPs. I dropped to compacted hrs and was passed over again and again for promotion or couldn’t go for roles that meant I’d be unable to be there for nursery drop offs etc.

It came to a head when I threatened to leave, we went to counselling. We are still together. DP changed roles - organically, not because of me.
That was 10 years ago and I still am MASSIVELY resentful. I no longer trust DP to put us 1st. We still argue about money - DP brings up the fact that I earn a lot less and says they have to pay for everything and refuses to acknowledge that my career took a hit it will never recover from. Or that their career was helped by being able to go in early, stay late, go to the dinners, travel the world at short notice for ‘important’ meetings.

The saving grace is that DP is very much hands on at home and now is WFH. But I’m not sure our relationship will ever quite recover from those years. Perhaps I should have left back then. Who knows.
In your position OP, I think I would walk. If you have a DP who prioritises work to the point they don’t even do family or house stuff when at home - what’s the point?

@Wexone I’m worried for op that he’s just a bloody liar, so he’s very likely lying about that as well - or telling the truth, but the money goes to entertain himself while he’s working away. :/

Unless there's nothing else wrong a d that you love your husband, it seems a bit drastic to end your marriage.

So, why not employ a dog walker? If that helps, then fine - problem sorted. As far as,your wakeful child is concerned, have you spoken to anyone professional on what to do about them? Meanwhile, could your parents have them for occasional sleepovers, which might be easier for them in their home?

Of course, whatever you do, there's still the issue of whether YOU consider ending your marriage is what you want. Only you can know that,once you'veconsidered doing what several people have suggested about the dogs (not getting rid) and asked for help with your wakeful child.
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She's not financially contributing equally though is she?

Really shocked by some of the responses on here. Why should the mother have to shoulder so much of the responsibilities and sacrifices of having children simply because of the biological fact that we birth them and breastfeed them? So what? Times have changed and we shouldn’t be trapped by biology anymore. Some peoples attitudes need to seriously catch up with the times. Men will not willingly and easily give up their privilege. They can’t even easily see it, it’s so “normal” for them. OP you need to get some more compromising from him. It can take a few months perhaps for couples therapy to really help him understand the seriousness of the situation?

So your telling me, you would give up your pets, who rely on you, are loyal to you, who have done nothing wrong and are suppose to be apart of the family for a shitty human being who is too selfish to meet your needs or the needs of your family and run you to the ground every day, has no respect for you and only worries and cares about themselves.

You're referring to the person who is selfish enough to go to work to support his family? Maybe instead of concentrating on the three dogs the OP needs to consider her child and think the influence on the child of stomping out. The precious dogs rely on the OP and are loyal to her, does their child not meet these criteria?

Your husband is a net gain to the family though. He provides money, and is helpful when he is home, plus the cost saving of running one home on two salaries.

If you divorced he would take your DS part of the time (weekends only likely) and you'd be running two houses on two salaries. You'd still have to do everything you do now, would probably have to work more hours and see your DS less; you'd be in a significantly worse position than you are now.

Yes, you're angry at your husband because you're at breaking point, but you're going to shoot yourself in the foot here. Go back to couples therapy and try to work out a solution. The solution isnt "the breadwinner has to get a lesser job so we can keep the dogs". The solution might be paying for 2x a day dog walker, 2x a week cleaner and meal deliveries to your house. Even that would be cheaper than a divorce.

I hope that is not the case 😪if it is then defo divorce

You would be unreasonable to leave him because of his job.

You are in no way unreasonable to leave him because he unilaterally decided to agree to a change in his working pattern which massively impacted your family, and has left you and your elderly parents to pick up the pieces.

Unfortunately men often only show who they really are when shit gets tough. Having children is tough - and whilst mothers tend to just get on and cope with the massive change and upheaval, too many fathers run away and hide from the problems in their safe work place, where everything is how it was before children, and where they can tell themselves they are doing their bit by earning money. Meanwhile mothers are left juggling and bearing all the mental load of this huge upheaval, and also coping with the fact they misjudged the man they chose to have children with and feeling resentful of how they have been let down.

IME this never gets better. You just put up with it and swallow the resentment and then when life get a little easier when kids are older, it all explodes out of you and he can't understand what the problem is because life is not terrible now. So yes, leave him if it's at all financially viable. If it's not, and you realise that him gone and paying CMS maintenance and doing EOW would actually make your life harder, knuckle down and do what you need to to get through this period and make plans to leave when it is financially viable.

Please take this the way it’s intended, which is genuinely and kindly. You are coming across as really, really angry and single minded. Is this a chicken and egg situation - ie is he avoiding home because of the tension, or were you genuinely happily married prior?

Does he have agency over your situation? By which I mean, has he expressed that he’s unhappy? Specifically with the dogs - does he actually want to keep them? Dogs make everything so much harder. I have 4 of them, so I am speaking from experience. I would never be without them, but I can absolutely recognise how much more straightforward life would be if I had just 1 (or none!). I wouldn’t be happier, because I want them, but have you considered that perhaps he doesn’t, and that he does feel it’s all too much? If he expressed that, what would your answer be?

Because looking from the outside in based on what you’re saying, he’s either avoiding you, the home and his marriage and family (or not necessarily all, but same net effect), or he genuinely needs the extra money this offers to be able to pay 2/3 of the household costs. Are you sure he actually was able to fully focus on his role WFH with a baby/toddler and 3 large dogs? Could it be that what you saw as him being more present and helpful also meant he was distracted and not performing at work, but perhaps rather than say that, he’s gone for a role out of the house?

If it’s the former, consider thoroughly what you actually want because if you press the issue and end up separating it solves none of your practical issues. He will still work away, you’ll still have toddler and dogs and work to juggle while he’s away (and you say he’s present and helpful when he’s here). You’ll have a couple of child free days when he’s home, if that’s what you actually want, but you’ll also have a lot of added financial pressure because you’ll be running 2 homes and not one. The grass may not be greener, and it may be worth reframing your anger and resentment to see whether it may actually be your least worst option right now…

It’s interesting that while the comments are unpleasant and predictably from the usual suspects attack the OP but the poll broadly agrees with her.

my experience is similar @BarbBarbbarb . I have said to DH before that he wants a SAHM when it suits him and a wife making equal financial contributions and it just doesn’t work like that.

Why cant he arrange any of this? Why is it all on OP? Don't you think that's part of the whole issue here? Just because a man has a job, it doesn't mean the entire world has to revolve around him.

I bet if you add up the cost of the hours of childcare she does, and the cost of a cleaner and dog walker, she's more than contributing half the family finances

Well yes but if I told my husband I was going to work part-time because he could pay 2/3 our expenses that's a consideration as well. I am super confused by the narrative that 'he does nothing' and 'he does half when he's home and pays 2/3 of everything'. Those things aren't the same.

If I worked part-time I would absolutely expect that more of the day-to-day responsibilities of running a household would be my responsibility. It's a huge amount of pressure to be the breadwinner and I would think the tradeoff is that there is more help at home if you are supporting your partner in working part-time. Sounds like the OP mostly works nights which means the bulk of the day is home - yes, home with a menagerie and a toddler but still available in some capacity.

I still haven't seen anything from the OP explaining how it would actually work if he quit his job and she took over the financial responsibility.

I've been off MN for ages & this thread is a damn good example of why - it's a hateful, judgemental shithole. This place would find a way to blame a woman in an abusive relationship if there were dogs involved. It's fucking unhinged.

OP - I'd give him an ultimatum No ifs, no buts. Lay it out.

Yes, it would be hard being on your own but at least you'll not feel as you do now - constantly let down & put upon. Do not underestimate how soul destroying that is. And as you point out, you'd actually get time off with shared custody.

Ask yourself what your son is going to learn from this dynamic in the future.

Deep breath! You've got this

Most of us work without expecting to be treated like a hero,

OP has a very demanding job and also requires two nights a week. Between home and work life she is burning out and her husband refuses to be a true partner.

But you're not walking your dogs every evening, are you?
Your poor dad, with a bad hip, has been, in your words, "forced to come over to walk the dogs"
while your mother has to come over to help bath your child....
Why on earth do you need help to bath a child???

He already did this when he lied about the job- you obviously just want to put the boot in to OP.

Go out at the weekends and leave him to do it all. No comments, no announcements. Just go and if he asks where you have gone just say you need time to recover from the week it is his parenting time. If he asks you to come home as he is struggling say no...tell him to ask his mum or dad to come help him.

OP you can divorce your husband for any reason you want. You don’t seem happy in your relationship, so people making suggestions to reduce your overwhelm are missing the mark for you. Sorry- I’m still going to try.

Personally, I wouldn’t make any major decisions until your child is at school, giving you more time. In the meantime, everyone, including the dogs, lowers their standards! It’s hard to make specific suggestion without knowing how you’re utilising dog walker/nursery relative to your/his work but I have a couple of thoughts.

1. You come across like you might have very high parenting standards. I’ve been there. I decided slightly lower standards with a less stressed mum and not living in a custody arrangement is usually better. I’m talking increasing convenience food, screen time etc.

2. As for the dogs, you have improved their lives exponentially. They will be ok with less/shorter walks for a year or two. They really will. Make changes gradually so their routine isn’t too disrupted but I’d take a long hard look at all these walks and see where you can just cut back a bit.

3. Write down your entire mental load, sit down with husband and absolutely insist he takes some things that he can do remotely in his hotel room off your plate.

Once your little one is at school you will have so much more time. 3.5 days work, some pets and a school aged child is so do-able regardless of husbands working pattern or being a single parent.