AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

How will you fund your separate household?

You're resentful that your husband is away so much, but he is contributing the majority of the cost of keeping the family. If your animals are more important to you than your husband, you have made your choice.

I totally understand how frustrating it is to try and walk dogs with a child. The child lags behind and wanders and takes forever, when you just want to enjoy the dog walk.
Could you get the 3 year old ready for bed, put him in a pushchair and walk the dogs and then transfer him to his bed when he inevitably falls asleep in the pushchair?

You know your child also didn’t agree to all the pets and their dad working away? Your child also didn’t agree to having 2 stubborn inflexible parents that aren’t willing to change to meet their needs. Most parents have a baby and think of them first, not themselves and their dogs.

Mumsnet is pretty anti dogs so I am not surprised with replies. You must have noticed all these get rid of dogs have nothing to say about how to resolve resentment in your marriage.

You're choosing dogs over your child's father. You should put your child first and that means you should do your best to make your marriage work. Not put dogs before it.

I don’t walk the dogs with my child. I walk them when he’s gone to nursery. He goes two days a week and spends one day with my parents. Some days when I have them all we hire out a dog field so they can run around. I’ve worked with 3 behaviourists and am a responsible dog owner. I know how to handle them.

I get the three dogs are your precious babies.

YOU had countless rounds of obvious and failed. Didn’t think you’re gonna be a parent and then got dogs

then amazingly you did get pregnant.

Only you can decide whether it worth up and then being a single parent

doing it on your own with child and dogs

Or battling through the next year and three months I’m assuming your son will start school September 2027 so things should hopefully get a little bit easier

But yes, no point staying together If you are not happy and you don’t think that your husband will change

How often does he see his other child that will give you an insight of how often he will see your joint son and what time alone you may have?

I'm not sure how leaving your husband will make any of this change though. He'll still have the job away, you'll still have all the pets (as I'd assume he'd say he can't as he's away), you'd still have the 3 year old while he's away (because he'll still be away and when he's back maybe he'll have the child a night or two but again, it doesn't mean he'll be any more present than now, in fact probably less so), you'd probably still end up relying on your parents to pick up the pieces, and your finances will likely get worse if you're living separately etc.

If you're not coping with the dogs and you can't afford more help with them and you haven't got available help from local friends and family, rehoming them is an option. It will be very sad and it's a last resort and I can't imagine ever doing that with mine but it is something that friends who've split from partners and been forced into renting or more chaotic living arrangements or needing to work more hours have ended up doing.

Essentially, separating won't solve the issue of you being stretched too thin and him being very absent.

I know working away is a thing and I know in some families it's part and parcel of the career and lifestyle the couple both agree to at the start (e.g. military spouses, oil rig workers) but it sounds like you thought this would be a temporary situation?

The only other area for give is that you change your job while your child is young, so working part time or in a role that doesn't require night shifts. Which feels unreasonable and unfair, and I'm guessing you're a medical/health/care professional so would possibly be a waste of your training and/or cause big career issues in the future if your training and experience lapses. How would your husband feel about the drop in income from that?

So you could stay together and you change job/leave work or separate and you change job/leave work.

There are lots of variables here but the splitting up and keeping everything else the same won't make your situation any easier or fairer.

But he is her husband and a human.
If she doesn’t like or love him anymore that’s different but I would choose my human husband over an animal if presented with that choice.

I sympathise @Poptart22

Shortly after DD was born the company DH worked for got taken over by a large multinational. In the short term the difference it made was a large increase in salary and it became clear there were more opportunities for career advancement. However, what also became apparent was that he would increasingly be expected to work away from home. A lot. Quite possibly Monday to Friday away for long periods.

This wasn't at all what he, what either of us, wanted for family life. I also worked almost full time then and we did have childcare in place; nevertheless it would have meant me doing all the rest of the childcare and household load. But, more importantly than that, he wanted to be home for bath and bed time and to share in being a parent. He found another job, slightly less well paid but with a much better work life balance. Never regretted it.

It sounds as though your suspicions of your DHs preference for his current job is spot on. It gets him away from the hurly burly of family life for most of the week and he gets a decent night's sleep in a hotel with his meals cooked while you deal with everything.

What do the finances look like? Would it be possible to suggest that if he is going to dip out of his domestic responsibilities so spectacularly then he should be prepared to compensate for this by funding extra help - dog walkers, cleaner, baby sitter. It shouldn't have to come out of your salary since it is his continued absence that is causing this shortfall in man power.

I’d rehome the animals… that would take a huge amount of stress away.

One of you needs to change jobs or do less hours. It becomes un managaable, how wilk you manage with school runs and holidays once school starts.
You can leave, but it will be worse and tou probably will bave to give up work then anyway.
Who is the higher earner?
We had to downsize, cut hours changr jobs etc to manage family life.
I resent not being able to work properly and dh also is on the back foot but there is no other way as we done earn enough to pay for a live in nanny housekeeper

I’m expressing an opinion, not “ gaslighting” anyone.

I could of course do what some people seem to think is almost mandatory on MNs see the word “ man” and “ not pulling his weight” as almost an automatic conclusion, same as SAHM always being the hardest job in the world etc etc

Just because the OP feels anger and resentment doesn’t mean DH caused all of it.

All these people pushing the OP to leave her DH won’t be there to support her. You can just help wind her up and walk away from the consequences.

You asked the question whether you are being unreasonable to leave your husband because of his job.
You have had the answer clearly explained and been offered sound advice on possible solutions, however you do not seem to be happy with the responses and bite back at anyone even mentioning the cats and dogs as being part of the issue.
Part of the point of posting such a question to a group of outsiders is to treat their opinions seriously and perhaps reflect on whether despite your acquisition of the animals was done with the best intent, the addition of your much loved child has changed the family dynamics and it is time to start reducing them as they have clearly become an expense you are neither comfortably afford nor have the time to enjoy. You have a child and husband. Apart from him taking a better paid position which keeps him from home ore than you want, you have not mentioned anything for which he should be castigated.
Read the room OP, re-read some of the comments and take some time to reflect on your choices. Is everyone else wrong and only you are right?

Wow - no wonder you are in survival mode. This is a huge amount on your plate. And you've been tricked (& trapped) into this. Your DH is really letting you down and being incredibly selfish.

At a minimum, he absolutely needs to be paying for a dog walker on the days that he's away. It doesn't matter if it's expensive - it's the only way and it's his fault that you need this service. How do you do the dog walk in the morning when he's away - do you take your DS with you? And is your DS in nursery while you WFH? Just wondering if you have any time where it is just you and the dogs so you can walk them earlier...before potential nursery pick-up...if DS is in nursery. But this all still sounds completely exhausting.

Is there a local babysitter or mother's help you could use? Why are finances so tight when he's in sales and works away? There's usually good reimbursement for this type of job. What is he doing with his remaining third of the salary? Who cares about holidays when you are barely keeping your head above water in day-to-day life.

Sorry, loads of questions.

Also, you shouldn't split up...for the sole reason that this lets the fucker completely off the hook. You'll still be having a nightmare on the days with your DS/Dogs/evening work. You have to hit him where it really hurts - his wallet.

A pack just multiplies the joy of dogs imo.

He likes the lifestyle of travelling and all the attention he gets when he go to different locations from colleagues there, dinners out etc. Home life becomes boring to such people.

And no, rehoming your pets is not the answer. They are family.

They may well be happier OP, rehomed somewhere where they get more attention and exercise. I am a single mum and I rehomed one of my cats when I had a young child, the cat is very happy with its new mum who can focus on it entirely and it doesn't have to compete for attention in a noisy and chaotic house.

No one is trying to be mean to you about the dogs, you've asked for advice and that is one practical step that you could take to lessen the load. But if that's not an option for you, you either need to pay for more help (if that is possible) or tell your husband it's a new job or divorce, which seems to be your preference and if so then that's what you should do.

Did you read the thread

if you didn’t , then you are not in the position to comment

and you obv didn’t or you would know op works and pays 1/3

Did you read the thread

if you didn’t , then you are not in the position to comment

and you obv didn’t or you would know op works and pays 1/3

Re-home the animals

Lol, and the comment right below yours proved it!

Sounds like your husband doesnt want to be around to help more 🤷‍♀️

Men are simple things. If they want to, they will.

Life as a single parent wont be any easier at all. BUT you will have less resentment.

Children pick up on atmospheres. If you resent him, do you still love him? If not, then leave.

If you still love him I think its time for a big chat.

She is living in constant anger. They tried couple therapy to resolve resentment but it didn’t help.
He massively played down the amount of travelling he would be doing in the new( current) role when he accepted. Why do you think he is not the reason for resentment? No one is winding her up, she is pretty sure it seems.