To ask you to tell me about toddler/ children's birthday party etiquette?

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Evening all,
I have a DS aged 2 and I've had one or two invites to birthday parties and I think I have probably inadvertently made some faux pas (is that how you spell it?) when it comes to these parties.

I'm a first time mum and I am really quite clueless when it comes to these things as I've had no reason to attend children's parties before.

About a year ago a neighbour invited me to her 5 year olds birthday party, it was in her house, mostly in the garden and she arranged for food mostly from Costco and had a small BBQ of burgers. There was some cute little party bags for kids and small bouncy castle.

I arrived and quickly left after I realised it's not for me and the kids being much older and the birthday kid was hyped up and using the hosepipe to drench everyone. My DS was only 1 at the time and wanted to go on the bouncy castle which had deflated in the corner and collected muddy rain water. Poor thing fell into the water and was soaked.

I left a small gift, I think it was an activity book with colour felt tips or something and said goodbye - I also had in laws unexpectedly making their way to mine so I knew I couldn't stay long.

My question is am I supposed to have given some kind of more substantial gift? Cash? The friend about a week later was making conversation about attending another friend's child's birthday party and telling me she'd gift a £30 voucher. I wondered if that was supposed to be some sort of hint for me? And when she asked my opinion on her choice of gift I outright said, 'im not the right person to ask, I honestly don't know what you give at these parties, my only recent experience of attending a children's party was the one you organised'
For the record she's never really gifted my son anything, not been available for a get together I arranged for his first birthday nor given him anything when he was born.

it's unusual to invite such a young child to the birthday party of a much older child, but the neighbour was likely just trying to be nice.

On MN, you read that people should be grateful for getting a pound coin as a gift 😂,but in real life, I've only see people gifting around £10-£15, a lot more for a best friend.

From a toddler who can't even join in? A small gift sounds plenty

Try not to read too much into this. You did the right thing and left a token gift for a child you're presumably not particularly close to. I wouldn't say your neighbour was hinting when she asked you your opinion on gift value - although tbf I don't know why she would ask you about that! Anyway, if she was, she was being a dick.

My youngest is 10 and school friends get about a tenner spent on a party gift, best friend potentially up to £20. £30 is far too much for a random child! That's what I spend on family kids at Christmas/birthdays.

If it was a party hosted at her house and she was laying on food for the adults I would have taken a small gift for the host like wine or flowers and a present between 10-15 quid.

You did bring a small gift though so I don’t think you’ve caused her to unfriend you….

My kids are 21 and 18 now but I certainly didn’t spend more than £10 per child when it was a classmate etc. Maybe £15 now given price increases but £10 is fine, as really it’s a token gift. We held several parties and my kids enjoyed all the gifts, big and small. One parent was a single income household and clearly struggling and brought a card and chocolate bar, and that was absolutely fine. I was just pleased he came and his son enjoyed the party.

I find it incredibly rude when parents are questioning how much a classmate has spent. My kids had so many toys, and didn’t really even need more, so the fewer the better in my opinion!

I usually spend about £10 for a birthday gift, though I usually buy something on promo that has a higher RRP so people assume I've spent more. The gifts we receive are about the same.

I've never bought gifts like wine or flowers for the host and never seen that given, I think it would be so unusual that the hosts would find it odd.

I have never spent more than £5 and often gift were less among the children. Which I think is fine in a time with rising cost just to feed a family.

I'm a cheapskate I think, because its never been more than £5 for a random child. Books, felt tip pens, puzzle that kind of thing.

I'd say £10-15 If I know the parent and the child is under 5. I'll stretch to £20 - 25 if they are over 5 and I know the parent. Buying for a teenager is something else though. That involves clearing your bank account! 😅

Most people seem to give a craft set costing around £15 on Amazon round here, including me.

There's also a giant ”animals of the world" jigsaw puzzle that my kids loved that I often gift to people too.

Don't overthink it.

Thanks everyone for the input, very useful going forward but maybe for the next year or so - I am heavily pregnant now - I might give all children's birthday parties a miss. I just find them a bit mad and chaotic and not really suitable for my 2 year old - though he might find it fun to begin with it's a bit overstimulating.
For example I was more recently invited to a 2 year old birthday party which to begin with sounded so much more suitable and fun - it was car themed and I was told all the kids would get to race in cars and I imagined the host was booking a play area that had those big cars toddlers can ride and there would be a race area or something.
Turns out it was a community centre, miles away from where we all lived and the invitation stated kids were expected to bring a 'ride along' with them. I didn't actually know what a ride along was and after a Google I realised my son didn't have one anyway. The timing was smack bang when he would usually go down for a nap and I was certain there would be mostly junk food on offer. Its the final month of my pregnancy and I decided that's an exhausting afternoon I'd like to avoid.
I know I know, people will say well that is exactly what a children party is supposed to consist of but it all seems like a lot of hard work and toddler tantrums.

Parties are supposed to be fun for the children, not the adults!

Hi op, i would agree with the £10-£15 spent on a kid’s gift.

(No way would i be bringing something for the parents)

My kids are 5 and 2 and IME, kids have been a bit overwhelmbed by parties until they reach about 4 years old. So yeah no massive need for a 2 year old to attend parties if you don’t want to, especially if the other kids are all older.

If you want to plan parties for your kids in a few years, mumsnet is a great place for advice, even just googling old threads!

Be careful about saying “no” to all parties. First of all, they are fun for children - didn’t you enjoy them as a child?

Socially they are important for your child to develop their social skills and also an important opportunity for you to get to know other parents, can be very useful later on.

If you say no to everyone else, you might find it impacts on people attending your children’s parties later on.

Apart from anything else you arent going to understand how these things work if you never go!

It doesn’t really matter how much you spend. As your DC get older and get invited to lots of parties start looking out for offers, sales and 3 for 2 type deals. I always had a box of gifts on hand in a cupboard ready to go and a box of children’s birthday cards - saves stress.

I think the amount spent on a gift probably varies so very hard to know.

I remember my DC going to their cousin's birthday party - it was basically them and cousin's friends from school, which was a private school. The gifts given were way more expensive than ones I was used to giving and the party bag also contained a fairly substantial gift as opposed to the few bits the DC had previously seen in bags.

The easiest way to gauge the norm in your group is for your DC to have a party and see what they are given :)

You get they’re (a) not aimed at being fun for you and (b) not specifically tailored for what you think your specific child needs, right? Junk food as a one off won’t kill him/her, and nor will a missed nap.

If you’re (understandably) tired because you’re very pregnant, have your partner/spouse take him?

I’m in the ‘around a tenner’ camp unless it’s a really special camp. Argos 2 for £15 or B&M 2 for £20 are great.

I try to get DCs to make the birthday card and reuse gift cards or make wrapping paper as well, as otherwise you’re in the £20 region before you know it.

Amazed you have a toddler and no ride on

about £15 and hours of fun had

https://amzn.eu/d/00SJWHhK

parties are for the kids. To socialise.

yes some are hell but many are fine

Your gift was fine for that situation.

The etiquette around here is:
£5 for Reception/Year 1 because everyone does a class party. Usually something from The Works and often re-gifted 😆 because noones kid is getting through 30+ very similar gifts!

£10-£15 for Year 2/3 onwards because parties tend to shift to much smaller groups of actual friends and more thoughtful presents. Good gifts are things like Lego, favourite character stuff.

Please don't give the parties a miss, they are exactly where you want to be to be making small talk and getting to know the parents you'll be running into for the next 10 years. A lot of mums can really supportive because it's going to get harder for a few years, not easier, and they will get it and support you.

You don't want to be writing in here in a few years about how you feel awkward st these things because all the mums seem to know eachother.

My experience has been that while all the mums in my DC class are friendly and chatty, there were a lot of pre-formed mini groups right from the off as two had been pregnant together, three were from an NCT class, three others knew eachother from another group etc. and it makes life so much easier to spot your mum friends and make a bee line for them at parties because ultimately the parties are fun for your kid and this is how we show up for them.

The value of the gift does not matter one bit! Seriously, they are very young children! No decent parents would be totting up the value of gifts and keeping a mental note!

Be honest with yourself:

Are you not going because you think your child won’t enjoy it? Or are you not going because you won’t enjoy it?

Kids’ parties are invariably a bit chaotic, but they’re just a standard part of growing up. Party food, running about, the occasional bumped head on the bouncy castle. It’s just childhood.

I have been to a lot of parties with my DC and there hasn’t been a single one they haven’t enjoyed, from the whole class bouncy castle madness to a party at someone’s house.

It probably depends on the area, I used to bring £5 presents for our first couple of birthday invites (bought on Christmas sales so worth a bit more), and soon realised other parents were spending much more.

So now I look for £10-15 for regular birthdays, an £15-20 for my kids closer friends.

I think you've been unlucky with the invites you've received so far, but proper parties didn't really start until 4yo for us.

Well, I'll gladly have him attend i'll just let someone else take him.
I can't walk briskly without being out of breath right now let alone run after a hyped up toddler for a good 6hours on my own. Wasn't sure if this party would include partners or only mums.
PP wondered why I didn't own a ride along, as I didn't know what that meant at the time I went by the pic on invitation and thought it meant one of those flash massive car things that cost over £100...and I got a whiff of a bunch of mums (none of which I know, all of which younger than me) all of which having v expensive Porsche / BMW type looking cars. Urgh.

He's 2 years old. Ofcourse I'm prioritising my almost full term geriatric diabetic pregnant self. As I should.

In my nursery parents gift the kids books, an item of clothings eg a t shirt or a small toy eg a truck or a dinosaur. We all live in flats so are consciously trying not to clog up peoples homes with clutter! I think your friend in question is rude and I wouldn’t give it any headspace. Even if it was a more expensive party and you were both fed you should still only gift what you can afford. But maybe in someone’s home id shave a few pounds off the child’s pressie to give some tulips or chocolates to mum as a thanks for hostessing. I haven’t been to many parties in homes though as we all live in tiny London flats!

You seem very aggrieved about something that was your own misunderstanding. I mean, the present value is irrelevant, but common sense would also have told that a birthday party for a five year old isn't going to be arranged to suit a one year old baby. I mean, it was an invitation (to the party in the distant community centre), not a summons. You just seem to getting terribly angry about stuff that isn't anyone's fault.

does your toddler have dad in his life? Obvious answer seems to be for dad to take him to parties to run around and tire him out while you put your feet up and eat celery and sour cream (I had GD too if sucks!)