To ask you to tell me about toddler/ children's birthday party etiquette?

[MoneyMakingTipsWelcome]

Evening all,
I have a DS aged 2 and I've had one or two invites to birthday parties and I think I have probably inadvertently made some faux pas (is that how you spell it?) when it comes to these parties.

I'm a first time mum and I am really quite clueless when it comes to these things as I've had no reason to attend children's parties before.

About a year ago a neighbour invited me to her 5 year olds birthday party, it was in her house, mostly in the garden and she arranged for food mostly from Costco and had a small BBQ of burgers. There was some cute little party bags for kids and small bouncy castle.

I arrived and quickly left after I realised it's not for me and the kids being much older and the birthday kid was hyped up and using the hosepipe to drench everyone. My DS was only 1 at the time and wanted to go on the bouncy castle which had deflated in the corner and collected muddy rain water. Poor thing fell into the water and was soaked.

I left a small gift, I think it was an activity book with colour felt tips or something and said goodbye - I also had in laws unexpectedly making their way to mine so I knew I couldn't stay long.

My question is am I supposed to have given some kind of more substantial gift? Cash? The friend about a week later was making conversation about attending another friend's child's birthday party and telling me she'd gift a £30 voucher. I wondered if that was supposed to be some sort of hint for me? And when she asked my opinion on her choice of gift I outright said, 'im not the right person to ask, I honestly don't know what you give at these parties, my only recent experience of attending a children's party was the one you organised'
For the record she's never really gifted my son anything, not been available for a get together I arranged for his first birthday nor given him anything when he was born.

@Matchapilatesbotox Whole class parties are new. My DDs never had one or went to one. Parents were far more sensible and FOMO wasn’t a thing. Dc don’t make friends at a 2 hour party, but they do in a 6 hour school day. At 4 my DD1 was very clear about who she wanted at a party and it wasn’t the whole class. Annoying boys weren’t her thing! So we only had a curated group and everyone else did the same. Parents don’t have to be lemmings, go big and put up with chaos whilst spending a fortune.

My children are primary-school age, how old is your DD? This might a generational (or geographical) thing, whole-class parties for YR and Y1 have been typical in our part of town (SW3 London) for a while now. Fortunately it’s not as expensive as it sounds, it really does help if you host at home or at your club! The cacophony and chaos on the other hand…I despair

Mumsnet is generally miserable about parties.

Whole class parties are not new. Not everyone has them and that’s fine. Not everyone has a party and that’s also fine. Children who do not have parties are not social pariahs or excluded from further parties.

But, if you do decide (or your child does) that a party to celebrate their birthday would be nice and you’d prefer to invite everyone and include everyone then you are not some sort of oddity.

You have asked about party etiquette but you actually just seem to be saying you don’t want to go to them. That’s fine - politely decline and don’t go. Not sure why you need to know the etiquette if you’re not going though

As your child is so little (and this wasn't a party with a paid activity per child attending) then a token gift, such as the one you left, is absolutely fine.

Absolutely agree with this. In fact I think whole class parties are much more common than some people realise, especially in the first few years of primary school. When mine were in the first few years it seened every other party invite was a class party. As they got older parties became smaller (and often separated on gender.)

As you've said, every variation of a party/non party is normal

No way, ! Small gift about £10 at most, pretty sparkly stuff for girls, cars, trains etc for boys or craft stuff for both, making gender based assumptions I know btw🙄

My oldest is 33. No such thing as a class party ever. No one did them. We weren’t in with flashy parents. No one went to huge lengths. We had 15 once and that was big! For most it was 10 or 12. Classes of 33 back in the day and my DD wasn’t friends with the whole class. People just flash the cash now and show off. It’s too much and op can certainly decline.

Who is the 9 year old? What party are you thinking of? I don't know or any 9 year olds nor would I imagine attending the birthday of one.

Sorry. I actually have no clue where I got they were 9. My mistake. You don't know any 9 year olds.

I think you spent an appr amount and people don't take a present for the host if they are staying with their children.

I was the same as you but now I’m getting better versed. 3 seems to be a good age to start (no younger) and at 4 is where kids really start enjoying them. I’ve never been to one where you have to bring equipment (like the ride on) and most are a bouncy castle in the community centre. When we hosted my daughters I’d say the average gift was £10, lots of playdoh kits or craft sets, decorate your own football etc.

Don’t worry OP.

I don’t have a ride on for my toddler. I’m pretty sure kids taking their own ride ones would cause arguments at that age with the other kids wanting to snatch each others.

I’m pregnant and it is easy to get very tired but I also find my 2 year old often gets overwhelmed by chaotic environments so we wouldn’t do big parties. I don’t believe many parties for toddlers are for anyone but parents wanting to flex and show off. In my own group of mums there actually hasn’t been any mass parties at this age, most have done family only small events.

I think it’s great for older kids (4+) but not all of us believe it’s worth the sugar crash, missed nap and over stimulated little one. I do a lot of activities and they’re often capped at 30-45 mins at this age due to little ones getting bored or overwhelmed. A lot of the time it’s the parents who actually want to socialise…

So I live in a pretty small house with a garden that has for the most part been unusable - working on making it toddler friendly this summer - and so having a ride along in the house wasn't a good idea. MIL did gift him a nice easy to use simple one but that's kept in her big garden for any grandchild to play with.

I could just imagine my 2 year old seeing an unattended shiny big car and wanting to have a go and then some other toddler having a meltdown over it.
The host did kindly offer to bring along her spare ride along which my son could use but I also know her son, like mine, is PFB and no siblings so they are still learning how to share. Tug of war over cars lol.
I don't drive either and the venue she had booked was almost central London - we are very much outer London - so the reasons to avoid going were stacking up. Perhaps the location was great for many of her friends who previously lived there - I don't know - but it didn't seem like a good idea for me.

I am very much relieved to hear that more experienced parents than myself say they avoided parties till child hit 4 at least. This seems much more sensible.

It’s only a party, not a mobile phone!

If your kids been invited to a party and attends it would be rude not to take a gift or atleast a card. It doesn’t have to be much and whatever you can afford my kids are 8&4 and I’ve always done £10 on the gift plus card wrapping paper / bag and £20 for the 2 best friends

@MoneyMakingTipsWelcome YR is normal party time. Before that it’s usually family and family friends. You don’t need 30 dc either. Don’t worry about this too much as your dc will have preferences for friends and you will for parents. Just do something small and no one will criticise.

I agree with others saying there is no need to attend parties before the age of about 4. Lots of them don't much enjoy it until that age anyway OP.

I’ve just glanced back through the photos of DDs first and second birthday parties and DS’s third and all the children look like they’re having a brilliant time <lost>

That said, I didn’t bother for ds before he turned three so I’m not being purposefully obtuse (I largely did DDs parties as I knew both she and ds would enjoy them) but I can’t pretend to understand this How utterly ridiculous; some absolute fiend has invited us for a couple of hours with food and entertainment for my child attitude.

I can only go on myself but if had a voucher for my birthday at the age of 5 i probably would have cried and would much prefer your gift. I know parents may make an assumption but the way I see it the cost doesn't matter as long as the child enjoys it.

When they were previously school age or reception-year 2 I stocked up on generic gifts at TK Maxx or in the Argos 2 for £10 or similar, so something like a small teddy bear, a craft set, art set, small Lego set. Once they get to year 3 onwards the all class parties tailed off so I would spend £10-15, sometimes just a tenner in a card, maybe a regift if they got something for their birthday they had a duplicate of. Some people are far more generous though and I was quite embarrassed by some of the gifts given, including a scooter, £20 notes, far too much for a casual classmate of a 7 year old!