To ask you to tell me about toddler/ children's birthday party etiquette?

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Evening all,
I have a DS aged 2 and I've had one or two invites to birthday parties and I think I have probably inadvertently made some faux pas (is that how you spell it?) when it comes to these parties.

I'm a first time mum and I am really quite clueless when it comes to these things as I've had no reason to attend children's parties before.

About a year ago a neighbour invited me to her 5 year olds birthday party, it was in her house, mostly in the garden and she arranged for food mostly from Costco and had a small BBQ of burgers. There was some cute little party bags for kids and small bouncy castle.

I arrived and quickly left after I realised it's not for me and the kids being much older and the birthday kid was hyped up and using the hosepipe to drench everyone. My DS was only 1 at the time and wanted to go on the bouncy castle which had deflated in the corner and collected muddy rain water. Poor thing fell into the water and was soaked.

I left a small gift, I think it was an activity book with colour felt tips or something and said goodbye - I also had in laws unexpectedly making their way to mine so I knew I couldn't stay long.

My question is am I supposed to have given some kind of more substantial gift? Cash? The friend about a week later was making conversation about attending another friend's child's birthday party and telling me she'd gift a £30 voucher. I wondered if that was supposed to be some sort of hint for me? And when she asked my opinion on her choice of gift I outright said, 'im not the right person to ask, I honestly don't know what you give at these parties, my only recent experience of attending a children's party was the one you organised'
For the record she's never really gifted my son anything, not been available for a get together I arranged for his first birthday nor given him anything when he was born.

Just ignore those sorts of comments op: a 2 year old does not NEED parties. There is plenty of time for that.

In short answer to your questions, I think about £15 would be a very safe amount for a gift. My dc have friends mainly at independent schools and around £20 is about average. £30 would be a best friend.

I never left mine at a party until they were at least about 5, and neither did the other parents. At about 5 you started to get a handful of mums say "Can we drop and run?" and by about 6 it was expected that parents wouldn't hang round unless asked to.

Because I’ve got a kids party every weekend all year for my reception age daughter I’ve decided to only get toys on sale. The entertainer is quite good as they have 2 for £10 toys and a local toy shop usually always has a sale. I spend £6-£7 on each gift but original price would be between £10-15

Nope you're fine. For a random kids birthday I usually pick up something from the Works like an art kit or something, 3 for £12 and then you have two ready for other random parties. If it's a good friend of the child then they likely know what they like, lego or Barbies, so I'd get something in that realm.

Have confidence in yourself - give what you feel is appropriate, not what others deem appropriate.

My 5 year old received a real mix of presents; some clearly costing £15-20, so cash and a fair bit of clearly charity shop/ second hand gifts (stickers still on). My daughter opened them all, loved the fuss and plays with zero of the presents a few months on. Like, not a single one.

Don’t give a second thought, they’re only gifts.

£10 per child including gift bag and card is my limit. When they hit primary they get invited to so many parties you’d go broke otherwise plus I almost never even know the parents. They tend to invite the whole class so your DC probably don’t even speak to one another.

Hate the fact it’s normalised to stick around now too, I’ve started sending DH because I just don’t want to spend my weekend doing this! When I was a child parents definitely didn’t stick around.

When they were really little they went to loads so our budget was nearer £10, now they are end of primary and only go to about 5 a year, so we're at £20.

You're mixing up two different parties btw. The first I attended and was wondering if I got the gift wrong.
I'm annoyed by people's suggestion that I should suck it up and go to all parties regardless instead of what I actually did the second time round which was politely decline and wish her all the best.

This is a good point actually. The younger they are, the more often it is a blanket invitation so you get about 20 a year! £10 is fine for that age I think.

But also this is why you really don't need to worry about taking a two year old to parties when you are heavily pregnant: they get loads once they are at school.

@MoneyMakingTipsWelcome Before dc go to school it’s perfectly ok to decline! Many parents have other things to do so don’t worry! Pick and choose. If dc has a friend at nursery, choose that dc party over random invitations where age groups differ and you don’t know the child.

When dc gets to school, some parents do parties inviting the whole class and others do smaller ones for a group of friends. You make decisions to attend based on number of invitations (most of us could not accommodate 15-20 class parties a year) and whether dc actually wants to go plus what else you need to do on that day. If you don’t make discerning decisions, you will be spending a lot of money and might never get your weekends for you!

Your gift was just right. No faux pas. I think for a closer friend - £15-20. For someone dc barely knows in the class - less. Many parents arrange a nice picnic and play for a few friends to keep costs down. You don’t need all bells and whistles parties for dc to enjoy themselves. I used to do agility races, a treasure hunt and pass the parcel! Dc seemed happy! Other parents arranged a meal out or indoor play if it’s a winter birthday. You will get the hang of it!

I spend £10-20, I'd go up to £30 for best mates if I was feeling comfortable money-wise at the time. I let my kid choose something from B&M so there's not a set budget but I will say no to more expensive ideas he has.

Don’t worry about attending every birthday party your child is invited to when they are 2. Once they reach school age and whole-year parties are a thing (in Reception and Year 1, at least) you’ll be attending a birthday party practically every weekend — plenty of opportunity for DC to have fun and learn about social etiquette then!

At state primaries and nurseries at my pocket of SW London (Chelsea), £10 is a typical amount to spend on a birthday present for classmates, up to £25 for close friends.

Typical £10 presents are Lego (they do a Rides vehicles series that’s perfect for ages 4 up), GALT craft and STEM kits (the smaller ones are often on sale on Amazon for £10 - £12), and Argos 2 for £20 gifts. I tend to stock up and bung them in the gifting cupboard, along with brown Kraft wrapping paper that I get my DC to personalise by decorating (also saves money and space on cards if you can get your DC to write/draw a birthday message on the wrapping). Bulk-buy generic paper gift bags on Amazon, and now you have a fully-stashed gifting cupboard for the rest of the year.

I've always done £10 ish at nursery age and £15 for whole-class parties at primary school.

@Matchapilatesbotox A lot of absolutely will not attend this number of parties and dc can do other things ! Whole class parties are a nightmare if you actuality want time to do family things. Also with 30 in a year group, they are too big, and too expensive and who wants the badly behaved ones either? Parents should invite who dc is actually friends with and who wants dc with 29 presents? Way too much.

I agree, whole class parties can be havoc — and you sometimes have to factor in siblings too! It’s very doable though, you either have it in your garden (if the weather is good), a community hall, or if you live in a flat, your building’s residents’ lounge. But this whole party chaos is only for 1, 2 years tops; from Year 2 onward friendship groups will be established and only 5-10 close friends will get invites.

Whole-year parties aren’t for family time, they’re for DC to get to know their classmates and not feel left out. It’s not meant to be enjoyable for the parents (although I do like getting to know the parents), it’s just something you do for your DC at that age until they figure out who their friends are.

Your gift sounds fine for a party where your child was not really in the same age group as the birthday child and your invitation was more out of politeness. The important thing with parties is to RSVP promptly, turn up if you say you will, don't turn up if you haven't said you will, don't bring uninvited siblings unless with prior agreement and message if you have to cancel at short notice. In this area either parent can accompany the child and by 5 or 6 they're "drop and go" parties.

I declined all birthday party invites until age 5, when my kids were old to enough to give a fuck. Until then, the parties are for the adults' benefit and they are absolute hell on earth.

Yes, they would have enjoyed those parties at age 2 or 3 as well. But they very much enjoyed the time with their mum and dad too.

I like children’s parties. Someone else entertains and feeds them and I get to chat to an adult.

I agree up to a point but I would say that I definitely noticed the ones who least often came were the children who were younger siblings in their own families - and I am sure that pattern continued with us - simply because you live and learn that the friendship groups slot naturally into place with time and, as much as anything, are driven by what takes place at school.

Reception parties aren't the "make or break" social launch/ debutante events we tend to embrace them as as first time parents!

It’s fine to decline, you just seem weirdly aggravated about it all 🤷‍♀️ Just don’t go, it’s not that big a deal, but all the negative comments about junk food or the activities or the party not what being you expected etc. just seem a bit of an odd attitude. It’s nice for your kids to be invited to stuff and included. Most people aren’t holding parties to show off their ‘£100 ride-ons’ or expect gifts worth £50, they just want their child to have fun with some other kids. If it’s not fun for your kid then it’s fine not to go. My DD2 went to a load of parties at 2 and enjoyed them all (sibling invites are very common in our circle) but she’s just that kind of kid.

If you’re physically unable to go then there’s no point in even worrying about it. But being pregnant isn’t the same experience for everyone, I was climbing up soft play at 38 weeks pregnant as DD1 got stuck so it’s not necessarily the case that being pregnant precludes you taking a kid to a party. In your case it does so that’s all there is to it really!

My DH has done his fair share of taking kids to parties, which is always nice to get a couple of hours peace and quiet!

£30 for a kids party is crazy
I used to do a token gift for whole class type parties then something more like £10-£20 when they’re older and just going to smaller close friend parties.
It’s fine to just pop in when your child is that much younger than the others.
2 is on the young side for going to parties anyway, mine didn’t go to them until they were 3/4 preschool age

op this was a year ago?? why are you giving it headspace. we gift a tenner for a hook friends, used to be a fiver, but I don't judge anyone who gives less or nothing. I invite their kid cos mine likes them, not for the gifts.

your kid won't care about missing a party at 2, you made the right call but is his Dad not in the picture? can't he taken I'm to these parties?

My kid is in reception and £5 is my limit for presents, at least while the parties are for the whole class and every other weekend! When she's older and the parties are smaller/just close friends I will probably increase it but for some random kid you shouldn't have to spend loads imo.

I remember asking my husband to buy a present for one classmate because he was going to the shops anyway and he spent about £25 on some posh toy, I was like WTAF 🤣

But yes childrens parties are carnage and your DS won't be bothered either way at this age, from pre school upwards though there's no escape 🤣

A colouring book and pens if they cost only a pound or so for a nine year old isn't a suitable gift. I don't think.

You probably should've just put a tenner in a card. Or a fiver if you are pretty broke.

But ultimately you didn't really know them well and your child was nowhere near their age.
And they shouldn't really be inviting people in order to hoard gifts and cash.

OP, you have a two year old and you are pregnant so you can say no to anything you don't fancy doing. Your two year old is not missing out on anything by not going to parties and you are wise to pick and choose activities that will suit you both. By the time DC get to school there will be more parties and if your DC wants to go to them you can think about it then.

There seems to be some slightly flawed perceived wisdom that if you don't do things with young children they will be missing out. This appears not to be backed up by reality. I took my DC to swimming lessons at 6 months because I wanted to, my friend waited until her son was school aged. They swim identically now.

The same is true of parties/sport/socialising in big groups. There really isn't a rush. Socialising with other children is also spending time with cousins/interacting with an unknown kid at the park briefly/having another child over to play. There is no proven benefit that I am aware to running screaming around a village hall over the noise of a bouncy castle. I quite liked all that, you might not and we are both 'right'. Some kids hate big parties as youngsters and some adults still do.

Anyone who says you need to bring an expensive gift is also wrong. A few times I bought a set of plastic cookie cutters and made a bit of homemade play dough as a gift and that went down well, as does a beach ball. The benefit of buying gifts is to teach your child to think about others not to impress other parents.

Trust your instincts OP. You know best what will suit you and your DC right now. Do that without apology. They are only small for a very brief time period. DD is 14 now and I provide transport only to parties and slightly miss watching her on a bouncy castle in a party dress in amongst a throng of sweaty small people but friends of mine are entirely relieved to have exited that season and our children are no different.