AIBU to not visit my mum in rehab for alcohol addiction?

[pontipinemum]

My mum went into rehab for alcohol abuse last week. She was in rehab at the start of the year but never did any of the work she needed to do once she came out.

I have told her this time I am not going to visit her in the rehab. And that I am not going to participate in the family counselling days. I found it really difficult the last time. This one want me to go every week for a full day!

You go in, they pull up the huge whammy of trauma from childhood (that I had largely dealt with). Mum sort of denied/ minimised/ said it wasn't her fault. Then you get sent home with your big bag of fresh, raw emotions. I have linked the previous post I did, there was a lot of trauma - abandonment, neglect, abuse.

I really struggled for weeks after. I had just finished breastfeeding my 2nd DS and had monthly cycles returning. I have since discovered I have PMDD and it slams me, but hopefully my new pills will help.

I live approx 2.5hrs from her. I had invited her to stay with me for a night once she was feeling up to it. She is constantly saying she loves DSs and that she misses them. She did not visit, she could have drove herself for the night or her sister offered to drive her up for the day. But I got lots of messages along the lines of 'I hope I am allowed to see the DC soon'

Before she went in I text her this - I had tried to phone but she was ''too tired''

I really hope everything goes well for you tomorrow and over the next few weeks.

You need to dig deep into yourself. It won't be easy but it is the only way to start healing. You need to be truthful to yourself. Lies and minimising things are what addiction breeds on.

You deserve a sober life. A happy life and a healthy life. But only you can do the work and it takes work.

For my own health I am not in a place to visit you in rehab. I am not the right person to help you in your recovery.

That doesn't mean I don't love you. I want with all my heart for you to find the recovery you deserve. Love Ponti

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5504286-aibu-to-step-back-from-my-mum-after-rehab-relapse

YABU - Go do the family days at her rehab

YANBU - Stick to stepping back

I think that text is more than reasonable, and you're absolutely not unreasonable for stepping back.
I hope that this time the rehab and aftermath are more successful.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You are doing the right thing @pontipinemum

You sound like a lovely, strong person. Sounds like you are doing the right thing, your text message was perfect.

You sounds utterly saintly for having been this supportive of her this far, and for having kept her in your life. You are absolutely doing the right thing, and indeed, having read your earlier post, you would be doing the right thing if you never wanted any contact with her ever again. You need to protect yourself, your mental health and your children.

Your message is excellent 👌
From experience, I know where it comes from. She has to do the work, and has to realise that she is responsible for getting herself sober.

Is there not the option to visit her without being part of the therapy?

Thanks everyone.

Logically I know I am doing the right thing. But sometimes those old pulls start niggling.

I do hope it starts her off on her path to recovery but I am very skeptical. I think keeping myself at a distance is best though.

As far as I am aware it is all one day long session where families have group meetings. Then they do one on one counselling. I will see if it is an option. I am not sure I'd want to do that either though. If she writes to me I will write back - they don't have phones

You get as involved as you feel comfortable being, and no more. Ultimately you're already dealing with the fall out of being parented by her, you do not now need to step into parenting her. You have a family of your own, prioritise yourself and them. If and when you feel like you've got energy to support her, then fine. Until then, no, she needs to do the work.

You said that well, with lots of love and respect for her. You need to look after yourself, for you because you deserve it, and because you are caring for your children and need to be well for them too. You are allowed to have this boundary to protect yourself.

Honestly you don't owe her or the rehab family days anything, your text is honest and to the point, your mum might try and emotionally manipulate you, stand firm you can love her but you don't have to indulge her,

i have quite strong views of alcoholics.
i grew up with a heavy drinking probably alcoholic step father, so my judgement is probably clouded, but i think addicts need to take more responsibility, before family flock round them.

Not at all. Honestly, some people underestimate just how awful it can be for the family of addicts. It's completely valid to keep everything at arm's length for your own sanity and happiness.

Yes, absolutely this. It might be a disease, but they can take responsibility for their own behaviour/choices/recovery.

You don’t owe her anything at this stage and definitely not to the detriment of your mental heath. I would be really concerned that taking part in any family therapy that you are being coerced to be part of could be very retraumatising for you. It would be a hard no from me.

Your priority has to be the well-being of you and your children. Everything else has to take second place because your children need you. If that means you have to take a big step back to preserve your own stability and health then that is what you must do.

Your mother is where she needs to be and has people there to take care of her. It's not your job to fix her alcohol problems. Her drinking has nothing to do with you. She didn't drink because of you, she drank because of her. And let's be realistic here - you participated the last time she was in rehab and it didn't make the slightest difference to her recovery. There's no reason to believe your (non-) participation would make any difference this time either.

Not sure why you are annoyed at him particularly. He does have an interest. Loads of celebs there yesterday for similar publicity with less involvement

Oh @VividDeer you are on the wrong thread.

Thanks . Not sure how that ended up here!
As I was definitely on a thread about David Beckham 😅
Sorry OP. I thought your message was great by the way, perfect.

@Lomonald I have the same views. Absolutely no one wants to become addicted to alcohol or anything else. The reasons/ choices that got them there are usually valid and need to be explored. But it is up to the person to do that. They need to be the main driver in their recovery.

For myself I no longer drink at all. I sometimes didn't like my behaviour when drinking, nothing awful just not me. It was seriously detrimental for my MH. I also did not like it being my go to in crisis.

I think your approach and text are fine and very understandable. However maybe you should be prepared for “Rehab didn’t work because you didn’t come and see me!”

Similar situation to you op it's shite.

I think your message is lovely and absolutely the right thing to do. I would prepare for some backlash. Unfortunately addict mentality isn't nice as you clearly know and understand. She may well feel hurt rejected abandoned and be keen to make it all your fault. It's not at all.

I've found I can't really have a relationship with my mum.
I really hope it works for her and she fully recovers. Do what's best for you and your family.

I've just read your original thread and your childhood sounds horrendous OP, you need to step right back from her and protect yourself. She didn't.

I think your message is brilliant. That must have been hard to write.

@FrenchandSaunders the older I get, and becoming a mum myself really showed me it wasn't great! I still had an aunt recently say, but you had a very happy childhood. I can't actually say I was a very unhappy child a lot of the time, I am a pretty positive/ happy sort of person and I did enjoy school and my friends plus cadets (my saviour). But it was still too much for a child to work out alone.

@Randomchat thank you, it took a few drafts!

@Clarinet1 @MightyGoldBear Yes, that is a possibility. I'll just have to see how it goes. I can image it would be more along the lines of 'it was so nice for Sandra to have her DD visit, her DD does so much for her'........ instead of an outright accusation.

I commented on your previous thread. The awful childhood, including some CSA, that you endured at the hands of your mum and her boyfrinds was horrific. I'm so sorry that your mum continues to make your life difficult.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to not visit your mum in rehab. You have looked after her from being a child and she never once put you first. Please don't feel guilty as you have done your very best for your mum. Most people would have completely cut off and abandoned a mother like yours. You haven't done that but you deserve a peaceful and happy life with your family.