AIBU to step back from my mum after rehab relapse?

[pontipinemum]

I have posted several times on here about my relationship with my mother.

This is some of it:

• 6 weeks to 3.5 years moved between 7 main careers. Finally father left mother gave me to relatives - visited a few times a year.
• 12 years she took me back - 100s of miles from all I knew. Lived with her plus 'step dad' (they were not together but that is what he called himself

• They got drunk every night. Used me as a messenger
• I ended up doing a lot for her admin, trying to manage her drinking, cleaning up after her when she was drunk. The next morning I’d get blamed for “letting” her drink, even though I was a child.
• She also told me the doctor said she should have had an abortion because she was “so young” (she was 21), and that if I hadn’t been born she’d have met a “real man” and had a proper family.

• He was, well, just so controlling, manipulative, there was some S.A. /grooming/ sexualisation and so much totally messed up stuff

• When she got kicked out, she left me living with him alone for a few months during my GCSE year. Eventually I moved back to relatives.

• Then Mum got very and I mean very sick ICU and told to 'prepare myself' - all caused by alcohol. She had to move into rented accommodation alone for the first time and just did not know how to function. I felt guilty and worried so I did a lot for her

• I now have two very young DSs. I put some boundaries in place. Her drinking escalated after. She spent Christmas in hospital after an injury, went straight back to drinking afterwards, then admitted she had a problem and went to rehab. She’s now out and already drinking again. Has not returned to work.

• She’s now been out of rehab for 6 weeks and hasn’t visited, despite being invited and knowing she’s welcome. She hasn’t seen my boys in about six months, these are the grandsons she tells everyone she “adores” and would do anything for. And makes claims she does lots with them.

• She lives about two hours away. Her sister recently told me she feels she isn’t welcome with me, even though I have expressly invited her. I am trying to support her after her rehab. But she doesn't call I have to make contact, then she didn't reply for 10 days

• It’s left me feeling hugely guilty and like an awful person, and a few weeks ago I ended up having a bit of a mental health explosion.

I know it sounds ridiculous that it’s taken me over 30 years to realise this. I’m obviously responsible for my DSs they’re toddlers. But even though I logically knew I wasn’t responsible for my mum in the same way, it still felt like I was. So when my brain said “leave her to it”, my whole body was screaming “WTF are you doing?”

My plan for now is, reply if she texts. Send her some photos every week. Let her know she is welcome to visit us but not to go visit her. Her birthday is next week which is adding to the guilt. The party I had organised has fallen through and I have said I am not able to organise another

AIBU to now when she has gone to rehab take a big big step back:

YABU - don't step back
YANBU - STEP STEP STEP

You’ve done everything you can, she’s lucky to have you. She’s got to sort things out on her own now. She’s lucky TBH that you’ve not gone NC.

I think your approach sounds very sensible but you’ve got to make a vow to stick to it, whatever signals your brain gives and however many flying monkeys she sends
out to make you feel guilty/ draw you back in.

She has a very good way of making everyone around her feel sorry for her and think she is a poor helpless victim. Nothing is ever her fault. And the things others get is just luck (not hard work)

I think she genuinely thinks life has selectively decided to be cruel to her.

You are 100% correct to distance yourself.

I did EVERYTHING for my alcoholic MIL and in the end she didn't appreciate any of it. She treated me appallingly in the end and I wish I'd wised up sooner. Would've saved a lot of heartache.

Good luck!

Yup, my MIL was one of life's 'victims' too. It becomes so draining after a while.

Have you had any therapy to help you deal with your abusive childhood and your disgrace of a mother?

I'm not sure why one of your options isn't to cut all ties with your mum. She has brought nothing but neglect, pain and abuse (including CSA) to your life from immediately after your birth to the present day.

Your mum brings nothing positive to your life or your children's lives. You are not responsible for her and she doesn't deserve your love.

I wish you all the best. You sound very kind and compassionate but your kindness is misplaced where your mother is concerned.

Oh bless you.

Have you heard of FOG? Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It’s what you’re feeling re your mum.

I’d have a Google and definitely see if you can find a counsellor to talk to.

Your plan for dealing with your mum, going forward, sounds good. But I would say that this is probably the maximum you should offer. Your priority now has to be your boys and YOU.

Parents are supposed to prioritise their children and your mum didn’t prioritise you. Which is why I think you need some professional guidance to help you see this, and to help you realise that you don’t owe your mum anything. She owes you!

@thepariscrimefiles yes, I have been in therapy now for about 18 months. It is taking a long time to 'unlearn' a lot of things. DH would love if I went completely NC with her but for now I don't think I would be able to. As in my own nervous system would probably go into total shock!!

My brain knows what I need to do, my body is catching up. I think that light blub moment I had the other night is the first step. That I realised and yes I am well aware it is obvious - that I do not need to do things for her or shield her emotions. She can do it herself. I know she probably won't so it won't get done. And that is not my responsibility. My whole body learned from a tiny baby that I manage her emotions/ well being

@MrsEmmelinePankhurst thank you I will look that up today. Continue with my therapy. And continue with living what is genuinely a very good life I have

Your first priority should be your immediate family. You, your children and your DH.
I think you should protect your sons from having such an unstable and unsafe person in their lives. Do you think she'll bring them mostly joy and happiness? Or mostly sadness, fear and anxiety?
I think you should protect yourself from her as well, both for your own wellbeing and so that you are the best mother to your boys that you can be.
If there was a hierarchy of who needs you to care for them and occupy all your time and energy it's your children. Not your mother

I think you are what is characterized as a 'parentified child' - it carried huge life long trauma and guilt. So glad you are getting therapy. Hope you are able to find distance and boundaries to help you cope and even thrive for your immediate family.

I wish I could give you a big hug @pontipinemum .

You have done more than enough, whilst dealing with awful childhood trauma. Seriously, think about cutting ties and going no contact with her. Your family and DC should be your focus and priority. I know it’s hard, I had an emotionally abusive mother, I regret not cutting ties earlier. It was only when she died that I finally felt free. Don’t be me. X🌸