DD14 and concert

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More of a WWYD , than AIBU.

DD was invited to attend a concert with a friend , by the friend’s mum. As we were sorting out details, it turns out they will be going on their own (seated tickets) and meeting some of the mum’s friends at the venue. So technically, they would be with adults, but I don’t know them and neither does DD. They’d make their own way there (several stations by tube , no changes). They’d be picked up by DH when it is all over . I said I’ll think about it. While I trust the other mum’s judgement, I’m quite uncomfortable with the set up. DH is fine with it, but then again he’s fine with most things. The other mum obviously doesn’t mind either , but she won’t send her DD without mine. Tickets are all sold out so I can’t go , even if I had to be in a different area.

So what would you do in this situation? Straight up no? Say yes with as many safeguards as possible? Say yes and try to find a way for me to go (possibly keep hunting for resale tickets)? Take them there and meet the other adults/do handover? Any other possibility I haven’t thought of?

My 14 year old has been to premier league football games on his own (ie. with other friends no adults) in a city we don't live in - I think this is fine.

Depends what concert. There would be a big difference between the crowd at a Taylor swift concert to a Drake or Slipknot concert.

But you were independent and grown up because you were allowed to be.
I would and have let my DDs do this sort of thing at 14. There will be loads of people going to and fro the concert. Sensible things, put phone away/out of sight. Have cast iron plan where to meet if the get separated ( highly unlikely). Stick together.
I mean these days you could track her!

If you're worried, could you travel with them and hand then over to the adults who are looking out for them? And hang around nearby while the concert is on?

I started going to gigs on my own at 15 and don't remember it being a particularly big deal, but I'm sure my mum hated it!

Not at a big concert… phones don’t generally connect when you’re in a venue with 1000s of others. This isn’t a reason not to let her go though.

If you’re still concerned you could ask to speak to one of the other adults going who will accompany her in. That should hopefully reassure you.

Allowed…. no other option. Potato potahto.

I was a latchey kid from age 7. Woke up, got ready on my own, locked up, got to school, came home to an empty house etc. you get the gist. With so much freedom and disinterest, also came a lot of trauma and adverse experiences, hence my worry. I know (too well) how things can go wrong.

Is DD “younger” than I was? Sure. I don’t consider that to be a bad thing.

I'd have let mine go at that age but if youre worried could you accompany them on the tube to see them safely into the venue, then if dh is picking them up they are only on their own inside where there is security. Go through what to do in certain scenarios make sure they have a portable charger and they should be fine!

This post is the one that’s spoken to me the most. I’d be a no I think…

You say she’s used to going on the tube alone. I’d actually be more worried about that than her watching a concert in a seated area… it’s not really much different to being at a cinema, apart it being bigger!

I spend my life telling DD not to walk around with her phone in her hand she drives me mad. I'm going to get myself a moped just to swipe it and teach her a lesson!

OP is it somewhere you've been before or you could go in advance like the O2 to make sure they know where to go and can put in place a meet up if we get separated point? The actual concert, in seating, seems fairly low risk. If you can mitigate some of the possibilities around the getting there / getting home you might feel better?

My DD has just turned 15, I would be fine with this. There will be adults there if they need help with anything and your DH will meet them at the end.

Yes, mitigation is an option.

The main reason for posting was to see which was the most sensible, but reasonable out of my options, because despite wanting to straight up say no, I am aware it’s not necessarily the best decision.

If you are worried just go with them on the tube and then go the concert venue and make sure they meet up with the others.

I agree with this OP.

I always find it vaguely immature when parents are playing cool about risks.

There is very little about "independence" that is really an achievement on the child's part. Most can walk in a straight line, climb stairs, do all the things that the independent bit requires. It's other people that are the wild card - and that is luck not good management.

I’m with you OP, I would also want to speak to the other adults and maybe travel with them there and back. But I’m not a relaxed mum!
I always tell mine to stay with the friend at all times, no solo toilet trips or buying snacks etc.
The first thing to do on sitting, is note the location of the nearest emergency exits in both directions. Sorry if that feels alarmist.
Take a power bank(they tend to film everything!).
Drink water- thousands of people heat up the room fast and it’s easy to forget and dehydrate.
Pick a meeting point with the others in case they get separated.
She, the friend, and you, need phone numbers for the adults attending,
Can you track her using an app- seeing where she is throughout might ease your mind a little?
Security are there to help if they need it.
Hope all goes well.

That’s the option I’m leaning towards at the moment. Take them there, we all meet up, I actually hand them off to the adults and have the chance to at least say hi/see them.

I was going to night clubs and pubs when I was 14 with my parents knowledge. Pre mobiles. She's going to be with adults that her friend knows. If you don't trust the friend so no...if not keep your phone on

Considering all these^ I think your plan to go with them and “hand them over” to adults is a good one. I would meet them up as well because whatever people are saying about their own adventures your DD is still only 14. You can let her go off gradually.

I’d be nervous about them going and not sitting near an adult they’re going with but I would be ok with this option.
No matter how many people tell you there were doing whatever at 14, you need to do what you think is needed to protect your DD.

Snap!

I think it’s being unhealthily anxious to be worried about two 14 years in seats watching a concert at a proper venue just because there are no adults “helicoptering” around them. I struggle to see how things could go wrong unless i was determined to catastrophise. With that level of anxiety at 14, it’s going to be hard to let go properly over later teenage years.

Let her go,
she’ll be fine. In a few years she’ll be going places and won’t be picked up afterwards.

My daughter is 13 and I would probably be fine with this for the most part - if these are adults your daughter’s friend is close with and they’d stick together and feel comfortable telling them if there’s an issue. But I parent anxiously as well so would likely take the tube with them and just stay around the venue to be available - while admitting I was being ridiculous.

I grew up in a suburb of New York and by 15 I was allowed to take the train into the city to go to a gig with a friend. No phones obviously (I’m 46) and my parents just had to trust my judgement. For the most part it was fine but every now and again it wasn’t. My parents were on the very strict side so it must have been so hard for them to let me go. Can’t quite imagine being that out of touch with my kids to be honest!

Completely agree with this. A reasonable compromise would be for you to travel with them and hand them over, but really this would be for your benefit (to address your anxiety) rather than your DD's. Maybe something will go wrong - barring something truly catastrophic which is very unlikely and you can't limit her life on that basis - they will have to deal with it and that is how they will grow and learn. There are adults there with nominal responsibility for them, there will be stewards and probably police if needed, they have phones and you are only 30 minutes away anyway.

I don’t see how I’m unhealthily anxious. Is it because I actually stop and worry about a new situation?Even if I am, I fight against it so DD can grow properly. She’s been going out and about , to town (on train) for cinema/shopping, funfairs , sleepovers, been left home alone , away on holiday with a friend and her parents etc. All the normal things . Each time one of these was a “first” I sucked it up, put some safeguards in place, but it happened and next time it was easier.

You tell me what’s “unhealthily anxious “ about that.