Eldest says I have a favorite

[Strawberries86]

I have 2 daughters 9 and 6. The 9 year old is quite the character, very loud and present but is funny and unique. My 6 year old is angelic, quiet, total sweetheart. My family say they are both extra, never still, always busy with some mischief but well behaved.

I treat them both age appropriately but similarly. The 9 year old gets reminded to grab her school bag, it’s her responsibility, the 6 year old the same but if she forgets I grab it for her. If the 9 year old forgets I send her back for it. That kind of thing. But they both get all the love and cuddles, they both still crawl on my knee for a hug etc. both have same 1:1 time.

My 9 year old is constantly saying I favour her sister and she gets upset about it. Iv explained I don’t, that I love the both equally. But I do have age related expectations of eldest. Iv made jokes and said the dog is my favorite. Me and my eldest have private jokes because she’s that bit older. I let her stay up later to balance the additional responsibilities so she gets good things with being the eldest.

But I’m at my wits end. I lost my patience and said she was basically calling me a bad mum and Iv had enough. I know in my heart I constantly try to make things fair and I do genuinely love them both the same. They are chalk and cheese but both are the center of my world.

Aibu to say enough, I love you but I’m not talking about this anymore. I’m not giving it any more oxygen and headspace.

"I have no idea why the eldest thinks my youngest is the favourite!"

Meanwhile, describes the youngest as "angelic"...

The reason you're finding this so difficult OP is because you've been called out. I'm not saying your youngest is your strict favourite, but even within this thread you have an obvious bias when you're not purposely putting on a performance in a direct attempt to "prove you don't". People can see past that. Does knowing that make you feel uncomfortable? Ask yourself why... If it's really not true, why is this call out distressing you on this particular way?

Your eldest is noticing this.

Perhaps look inward and at your own behaviour instead of blaming your eldests perception skills.

You can either face this head on now or reap the rewards when the eldest is old enough.

My uncle has always complained of my dad being my grandparents favourite. The reason he thought this was because my dad was the favourite. Everyone told him he was being silly, because that's what people do, but it was plain as day that he was right and everyone was invalidating his feelings that he had formed based on very real observation since he was a child, continued into adulthood. I remember thinking it was terribly unfair on him for everyone to say he was wrong whilst it being very obvious he was right.

Be honest with yourself and listen to your child, else it's going to get even more unpleasant as she grows up.

My eldest (now an adult) always ‘jokes’ she’s her favourite child. I saw whoever is giving me the least grief at the time is my favourite!! I also say ‘you’re my favourite daughter’ as I have one of each. My son never says these sort of things.

Edited to say - if you want the deep answer - my daughter probably says this because my son is very outward in his feelings and had a lot of attention as a child because he was challenging and DD kept her issues ‘in’ because we were more focused on DS and his outbursts let’s say.

Seriously though, I think you’re handling this well, but maybe give the 6 year old more responsibility for school bag - at 6 she should be able to fetch it.

As an older child I always felt my not so DSis was the favourite. So many more allowances were made for her throughout our lives. I particularly resented being given responsibility for her, being expected to mind and babysit, to be the sensible one.

Make sure that this pattern you’re creating isn’t lifelong. There will come a point when expectation of both should be the same, and that’s sooner than you’d think.

I think it's totally normal for siblings to think their brother/sister is their parents favourite and even when they're old enough to know it's not true they'll still wind you up about it (or maybe that's just my kids)!
All you can do is reassure your eldest. Remind her of the privileges she gets like staying up later. Keep going with 1:1 time for both of them because it's your time that will reassure her more than anything else.
Not to depress you but your youngest will probably say eldest is your favourite at some point. Like I said it's nothing to do with you or the way you parent. Just kids being kids.

My daughter says I love my son more and I reply he is my favourite son and you my favourite daughter. I ignore as I know its not true.