Eldest says I have a favorite

[Strawberries86]

I have 2 daughters 9 and 6. The 9 year old is quite the character, very loud and present but is funny and unique. My 6 year old is angelic, quiet, total sweetheart. My family say they are both extra, never still, always busy with some mischief but well behaved.

I treat them both age appropriately but similarly. The 9 year old gets reminded to grab her school bag, it’s her responsibility, the 6 year old the same but if she forgets I grab it for her. If the 9 year old forgets I send her back for it. That kind of thing. But they both get all the love and cuddles, they both still crawl on my knee for a hug etc. both have same 1:1 time.

My 9 year old is constantly saying I favour her sister and she gets upset about it. Iv explained I don’t, that I love the both equally. But I do have age related expectations of eldest. Iv made jokes and said the dog is my favorite. Me and my eldest have private jokes because she’s that bit older. I let her stay up later to balance the additional responsibilities so she gets good things with being the eldest.

But I’m at my wits end. I lost my patience and said she was basically calling me a bad mum and Iv had enough. I know in my heart I constantly try to make things fair and I do genuinely love them both the same. They are chalk and cheese but both are the center of my world.

Aibu to say enough, I love you but I’m not talking about this anymore. I’m not giving it any more oxygen and headspace.

I would go with, keep reassuring her that you love them both the same, listen and consider what she says about any specific different treatment, but if you are happy that you are being fair, don't give it too much head space beyond that.

one thing I do is talk nicely about my children when they think I don’t know they are there. So middle might be jealous of his younger brother and have expressed that recently. I’d wait until he went out the room but I knew he was still there and then tell his younger things I love about middle child.
“Oh your brother, isn’t he wonderful, we adore him don’t we? You are both so kind etc… It really seemed to give him a boost.

My kids are 19, 25 and 34 and they still like to pull this crap! I made them sit down once and really think about the times I’ve treated them unequally, and they couldn’t come up with any instances to back up their theories. I will, however, tell them they are all my favourite ‘x’ whenever we have 1-1 time - so oldest is my favourite oldest child, middle is my favourite son, as he’s the only boy, and youngest is my favourite baby.

I don’t think my kids really said it but I do remember saying you are my favourite oldest child and you are my favourite youngest child, so I guess I must have got asked at least once.

I wouldn’t give it too much attention or make it into a thing. Sounds like you’re handling it well already.

It's difficult to comment on really, we don't know what's going on in her internal world that's made this feel tangible for her but it's important to remember that this is driven by her emotions, not necessarily logic.

With that being said I don't think shutting it down or punishing it verbally is necessarily the most helpful course of action. I would be wanting to try to understand through conversation why she feels the way she does, calmy and constructively go over how it makes her feel, when, can she think of specific things that make her feel this way and then work from there. It's not about whether you agree or disagree with her. It's about validating how she feels and giving her some space to process it through age appropriate support. As the adult you need to regulate your own feelings and avoid outbursts or placing a burden of guilt or silence on her, this will likely make it worse not better.

I think it's fine to set a gentle boundary that you certainly do love them both the same without regressing into debate about favouritism:

"you prefer DC2" = I'm not going to agree that I love you less, I love you both so much and just the same but I am listening to how that feels for you, what has made you feel that way today"

When explaining and acknowledging that there are some differences in what's happening at home as a result of age "“Being fair doesn’t always look the same for both of you. It sometimes looks different because you’re different ages.”
“My job is to help each of you in the way you need, not exactly the same way every time.”

Try to make time for proper conversations about it and always end them by reconnecting - "i love being your mum, we are always on the same team, that never chantes" - she is feeling insecure and needs to connect and feel loved or she wouldn't be persisting with the dialogue. She doesn't need you to prove you are being fair, she needs assurance.

If it is genuinely relentless or becomes argumentative then boundaries need to be in the same vein -" I've answered this part, I love you both the same - but we can keep talking about you're feeling" - "We’ll come back to it after dinner / bedtime / a cuddle" to provide a reset if things become heated or circuitous.

Making time for this now will prevent further issues in the long run.

I was so fortunate that at the time I was being accused of favoring one over the other, the girls were obsessed with their two cats. I would ask them which cat they loved more. They saw what I meant. Could you find a similar analogy?

Thats some helpful feedback thank you.
To answer a few comments and questions-
Im definitely not defensive, if I thought I’d managed this well I wouldn’t be here asking for advice.

I don’t think my language is unequal, my eldest is loud, my youngest is quiet - I don’t think either of those statements is loaded, it’s factually accurate. They both have fabulous qualities but totally different. You would never spot my youngest in a crowd, she’d be sat cross legged and quietly, my eldest would be singing ABBA stood on a table 😆. Loudly.

I don’t want to be dismissive, but I suppose my worry was the more I respond, the more established it becomes that she gets my attention this way but that being said she is definitely upset. It’s not a passing “she’s your favorite” and then carries on with her day.

I am trying to make her responsible for her stuff, of course I remind her, of course I wouldn’t let her go with out it but I put it out for her, I pack it, I prompt her. How else do you help them mature and learn independence “for gods sake”. (I am being defensive here to that ridiculous comment @Nn9011 )

@Krevlornswath thats really insightful. Iv wondered if its issues with friends at school and she’s projecting?

Last year totally randomly a member of staff was very rude to her and school authorized her to have the next ofd whilst they dealt with it. i took her to Alton towers - she still talks about this and how naughty it felt but it was just the 2 of us. I might engineer something with a similar vibe.

The cod psychology from some posters in this thread is utterly cringworthy

Surely it is intrinsic to the nature of being a sibling that you accuse your parent of favouring the other child(ren)?

I’m in my mid-sixties. My sibling and I have squabbled over this for six decades. My mother was always inclined to declare whichever child was absent to be the favourite. And yes, laughed and rolled her eyes.

They are different, lots of good advice here.
Remember George VI
”Elizabeth is my pride , Margaret is my joy “
This made me feel a bit sorry for Elizabeth!

It's very obvious that you describe them differently - 'angelic' and 'sweetheart' are much more positive words than 'loud' and present.'

This is my totally uninformed take on it. Children depend on parents, mothers especially, for their survival, so they are highly highly attuned to their mother and how she's behaving and reacting. Even tiny differences in how one child is treated can trigger their anxiety, as it flips a switch somewhere that says 'you may not be taken care of.' Now, of course, most of the time that's not true, but a developing child can't reason that out. They just feel scared and less valued and they express it in whatever way they can.

It sounds from your description that you like your younger child more than your older one - maybe your younger child is easier or more like you or just more likeable person all round. That's tough situation - you naturally respond more positively to the more likeable child, which isn't malicious but can have a terrible long term effect on the less likeable child. Again, they experience that as rejection, even if it's really subtle and unintentional.

If you want to fix this (as in, really fix it rather than just make it go away), then the next time she brings it up, I'd sit down with her and say 'what makes you say that?' and really really listen to what she's saying. Don't defend yourself, don't explain things away, don't bring up the age difference, just listen and hear what she's experiencing, with as open a mind as possible. Try to figure out what it is she's actually worried about, and what might make her feel better. It's worth the effort.

It's great that she's telling you about it btw - it shows she knows she can bring these things up at least. The next step is to really hear what she has to say.

I never described her as “present” I described her as unique - how is being unique anything but wonderful? She thinks being loud and unique is glorious. As do I.

From your own post:

The 9 year old is quite the character, very loud and present but is funny and unique.
The 'but' is very telling too as it implies the 'funny and unique' bit makes up for the 'loud and present' bit - which reads as 'annoying,'

I think you have to be a bit more honest with yourself about how you really feel. If you're only interested in defending yourself you won't get anywhere.

To avoid any further scrutiny of my language.
Eldest is the lead in most plays/performances. She sings, acts, performs. Shes a leader.

Youngest likes these things but she will be at the back, she’s the one people say is cute. School describe her as a “friend to everyone”.

They are both constantly on the go. If they are bathing their dolls in the garden you better believe the hosepipes going full blast, the washing is drenched and the dog is hiding. Whilst I’m dealing with with that they are in the play room making up a dance routine with all the costumes. They are just go go go.

i like them both, I love them both, they are different. I just wanted to help my eldest not feel this way because it isn’t true. I didn’t think I’d have every word psycho analysed. I do think have to provide age appropriate encouragement with independence skills but I don’t have the eldest il the chimney in rags. I just make her take 8 steps to pick her bag up so she learns to grab it automatically.

Oh ffs you @Whyarepeople you left out half the words missing the context. You just want to pull me down. Iv taken on some great advice from here but Iv no interest in purposeful nastiness. Jog on.

You might well love them the same but your dd9 is picking up on your unconscious bias against her.
It was clear in the way you described your two dcs.

Don't just shut her down.

It's not personal, she's nine and she's telling you how she feels. Don't invalidate her or she'll stop talking about her feelings to you.

She's not literally accusing you of being a bad mum and even if she was, you're the adult, hear behind what she's saying and have some empathy.

I have one objectively challenging dc and one who is easy to raise. Both are convinced the other is favoured. Not sure if I’m doing something right, or everything wrong?

I say stupid things like how I get to the school early so I can have the pick of children, and only take home the best ones, etc. Or sometimes, that I do indeed have a favourite - meeeee. Or if I’m asked to choose I’ll check if I have to pick one of them, or I’ll say, yeah I hate you so much I just bought you a new coat, so that’ll learn ya. I just try and keep it light and fun.

It is a difficult situation for you and for your older dd, @Strawberries86 - you know that you aren’t playing favourites - but it’s a lot harder for your 9 year old dd to understand the nuances of the situation.

I think the idea of finding some things that she gets to do, that her sister doesn’t get, is a good one.

I grew up feeling that my sister was definitely my mum’s favourite - there are specific examples that sadly still rankle today (I’m 61), so I do think it is important to make sure that you do treat children fairly - but it sounds as if you are aware of the risks, and taking steps to prevent it happening - which is more than my parents did.

Inconcious bias you feel you can make that determination from this thread? It’s an awful thing to accuse. Do you think that’s ok? I asked for help addressing it with her not a tear down of my parenting. You do know I’m a mum behind these words? I love my daughter and I’m trying to help her. I clearly made a mistake coming here.

Not that it matters because clearly I hate my child but after some issues with friends Iv booked Disneyland for her 10th birthday so she doesn’t have to deal with a party. I’m a single parent but go to every class, practice performance and pay an arm and leg for them for both. She has the biggest bedroom because she’s the eldest. I’m a loving and devoted mum. To them both. I value them both. I just want her to feel loved. I know to my core she can’t be picking anything up from because I think they are both fabulous in their own very different ways.

@JillThePlantKiller yes saying the dog is my favorite, the last child to give me a hug at bedtime has to sleep with the guinea pigs. I think I’m funny if no one else does.

Im fustrated because I know this is something internal for her not external ie I subconsciously don’t like her…..but I know it’s just a bit deeper than the usual.

I think children that age don't always fully understand or maybe don't want to understand the sibling age gap.

My brother at 9 kicked off with my mum shouting that she only ever told him to go to bed...me and my sister were teenagers.

My sister still said I was the Golden child well into her 40s. She pulled my mother’s heartstrings so much, that she ended up being left my mum’s estate and me nothing. So much for the golden child!

She could be manipulating you to feel sorry for her. It starts young. Just ignore it and don’t give in to it.

In terms of development, at 9 she’s gradually separating from family, growing as an individual, and more reflective about her place in the family, her relationship to you etc.

I think it’s natural that she’s questioning these things. Fairness is highly important at that age, especially in peer interactions. I wouldn’t overly worry that this is about you, or how you parent. You sound thoughtful, intentional and sensible.

I would say that being gently reassuring is the way to go here, not dismissing her concerns, but also not adding weight to them. It’s good that she feels safe challenging you, bringing questions and concerns to you.

I lost my patience and said she was basically calling me a bad mum

Be careful with this- the older your dc get the more terrible your parenting will be, at least according to them 🤣 Don’t depend on them for your validation!

It might be worth considering that your expectations of her might be a little high just yet. She may need a bit more scaffolding with organisation, remembering her bag, etc. It could be that the correction of sending her to get her bag is landing with her as shame. Ime it can sometimes be better to take pressure off temporarily rather than holding a standard slightly too high. (I might be projecting too as I’m adhd, with a houseful of ND needs)

Im the 3rd of 4 siblings. I dont think I ever said that to my DM but I can remember her telling us all that EVERYONE gets treated fairly, it does not mean we get treated the same, that that depends on the who (esp their age) the what and the why.
I would say you can treat her the same but because her sister is younger she needs to go to her level ie going to bed at the same time (earlier time) which means she wont get those other perks. That she can't have it both ways.
I think she's able to see when she thinks you're being unfair to her but doesn't seem to see the perks she gets that her sister doesnt (because its not age appropriate)

Good luck!