Eldest says I have a favorite

[Strawberries86]

I have 2 daughters 9 and 6. The 9 year old is quite the character, very loud and present but is funny and unique. My 6 year old is angelic, quiet, total sweetheart. My family say they are both extra, never still, always busy with some mischief but well behaved.

I treat them both age appropriately but similarly. The 9 year old gets reminded to grab her school bag, it’s her responsibility, the 6 year old the same but if she forgets I grab it for her. If the 9 year old forgets I send her back for it. That kind of thing. But they both get all the love and cuddles, they both still crawl on my knee for a hug etc. both have same 1:1 time.

My 9 year old is constantly saying I favour her sister and she gets upset about it. Iv explained I don’t, that I love the both equally. But I do have age related expectations of eldest. Iv made jokes and said the dog is my favorite. Me and my eldest have private jokes because she’s that bit older. I let her stay up later to balance the additional responsibilities so she gets good things with being the eldest.

But I’m at my wits end. I lost my patience and said she was basically calling me a bad mum and Iv had enough. I know in my heart I constantly try to make things fair and I do genuinely love them both the same. They are chalk and cheese but both are the center of my world.

Aibu to say enough, I love you but I’m not talking about this anymore. I’m not giving it any more oxygen and headspace.

@JillThePlantKiller I do regret my words and you’re right, the teenage years could be brutal if I don’t rein that in…. That was a helpful post - I think you and the next poster have made me reflect on her understanding of fair and same. Thanks!

I think sometimes the favourite claim is the other child(ren) inadvertently realising the other child is more like mum/dad and due to this their relationship is easier. Less conflict as you understand as their personality mirror yours. To the other child this can appear as favouritism.

Mine are adults the girls often said when growing up that our son is my favourite but they are dads. And personality wise our son is very like me and due to this I find him incredible easy company. The girls are more like my husband and due to that I love them fiercely as I see the man I love and chose to spend my life with in them. However I dont feel I have a favourite. Unless you count the dog. Who can do no wrong in my eyes. 😃

I also have a 9 and 6yr old and my eldest sometimes says this too. The other night it was the 6yr old that said it for the first time 🙈 Apparently as I bought eldest clothes when we were out and let her choose the treat in Greggs. It was a bag of cookies simply because it’s cheaper to buy a 4 pk 😆 Also youngest gets bought for all the time as I’m always at the shops with her when eldest is at gymnastics. Funny how their little brains work 😂 I just tell them not to be silly and I don’t have a favourite and love them both the same.

I grew up in a house where me and my sister always felt the other was favoured and it was really was awful!

Now I have two children of my own I am so aware of trying not to create the same kind of atmosphere.

If my eldest child does something like make a mess by leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor I will make a point of calling him to come and clean up after himself, but I will also do the same for my youngest, despite him being 3 years younger. Any general expectations I have in terms of house jobs (taking their trays into the kitchen after dinner, getting themselves a drink, wiping the sink after brushing the teeth, emptying the lunch boxes after school etc) I will ask of both of them, not just the oldest. I don’t want to see my oldest son doing things for the youngest that I won’t do for him.

When they get home from school I give them 5-10 minutes each to tell me what they’ve done in school that day and what they’ve learnt etc and I make sure we are all in the same room as each other when we do it so they can see I’m showing them equal attention.

Same when I ask them about their sports, their friends, their homework, any other hobbies etc etc - they each get asked the same questions and they see I am equally interested in what they both want to talk about.

If we are in a room together and one comes to give me a cuddle I will give them a cuddle back and then whilst it’s still happening I will call the other over and say, “Shall we have a family cuddle?” - and then when we are all cuddling I will say “I am so lucky to have you both. I love you both so much!”

And we are in the same room together and one calls out “love you mom!” - I will call out “Love you too!!” And then I will leave it a few seconds and then call out to their child, “I love you too (child’s name).”

When I put them to bed they each get 15 minutes of 1-2-1 time with me in their room doing whatever they want (age specific) but again they see it is equal treatment rather than me spending 30 minutes with the youngest and the then just sending my eldest one upstairs on his own.

So basically, what I do with each child when it’s a 1-2-1 situation is neither here or there in relation to things like this but when we are all together as a group I ensure they receive equal amounts of positive love and attention (and they can see it’s equal) and the same expectations of their behaviour.

We also spend as much time together as we can as a family unit rather than doing separate activities which helps, but I’m lucky that the children have similar interests and each others company so it’s quite easy ti do.

Things will no doubt have to change and adapt of as they get older but for me the most important part is demonstrating to them equality in how I feel about them, my interest in them and expectations of them.

My 9 year old is constantly saying I favour her sister and she gets upset about it. Iv explained I don’t, that I love the both equally.
Are you closing down a real conversation about this? I’m wondering if it might help to get her to be specific. Then explain the reason you treat her differently in that specific situation. She might then remember better the next time it happens. She might be too young to understand the general difference in responsibility and need to see that through particular activities to grasp it.

And maybe adjust how much extra you do for her sister now she is becoming more capable. For example, when she forgets her bag don’t fetch it for her but take her to get it. Your eldest will see her sister isn’t being let off, just getting a little help. (Your youngest’s might remember the first time sooner if she knows she will be taken to get her bag rather than it being brought to her too)

What I would add is treat them as individuals; my parents wanted everything to be 'fair' so my sibling did everything I did after me - and I just wanted something that was mine alone...

It can be impossible at times to treat them the same - my eldest once complained that I told him he could get a packet of crisps from the cupboard, but an hour later when youngest asked for crisps I got them down for him because he’s my favourite. Youngest is not tall enough to reach the crisps, and has a physical disability so can’t safely climb on a chair or whatever.

I find a fairly matter of fact brisk explanation and then move on works best for us, if we get into a long emotional debate actually it just teaches the eldest that saying this is a good way to get attention/get what he wants.

And agreed with this - I have a sister who is 9 years younger and we were given matching Christmas presents until I left home - like we’d each get the same scarf or bag, just in different colours. The idea that a 9 year old and 18 year old don’t have the same taste or needs didn’t seem to occur to them, because they were so focused on being fair.

Point out her sisters pov. She thinks YOU'RE the favourite because you get to stay up and can go out to the park by yourself.... etc.

I have 3 and am ultra aware of middle child syndrome. The only way I can show he gets favours is through pointing out how it wouldn't have happened for his older sibling and his younger sibling isnt allowed to do what he does.

I also acknowledge him. Yes - dc3 IS my favourite! They are my favourite baby in the whole world! You are my favourite kindest boy in the entire world! (Whisper - even daddy!) Etc.

The way you’ve described her makes me think she may struggle if she feels she’s not someone’s #1. She wants you to tell her that she’s your favourite, which obviously you can’t.
My advice would be to be flippant about it, as a PP has suggested. Meet it with a ‘don’t be silly’ type response. Certainly don’t give the impression that you are “thinking” about it or mulling it over.

Is she in a ‘three’ of friends at school? This can often raise its head with girls in a group of three, looking for security. Try to find out if something else is going on that is making her feel uneasy/insecure in her position in life.

Good luck!

Hahah OP I have kids the same age and they are exactly the same! No advice other than let the older one have special 'older kids' priveleges when the youngest not around (we watched the devil wears prada together the other day which was lovely) and remind them when they were 6 you did XYZ for them all the time!

"Sweetheart, mummy has 2 jobs to keep you safe with love and support and to teach you how to grow independent and happy.

Youre bigger, so you get some trust and freedom DSis is too little for but also so responsibilities shes not ready for. She will be treated the same as you when shes 9.

I promise you I love you both equally. Its just what you need from me is different because youre a little bit older and ready for more responsibility and trust."

I just laugh when my kids say I have a favourite and tell them I don’t like either of them ha ha I obviously tell them I am joking. Interestingly my children both believe that they themselves are my favourite which always makes me smile, but there is only 17 months between mine so they aren’t treated much differently responsibility wise. Honestly I wouldn’t make a big thing out of it, just be light hearted about it.

My siblings still bitch and whine I’m the favourite, my aunt is almost 70 and still whines my mum was the favourite… get used to it, they’ll keep it up till you die.

In all seriousness though, my kids do this so I always say I prefer the cat when asked who my favourite is.

I think this is pretty normal! My eldest went through a stage of saying the same about my younger one and the younger one was adamant he was the favourite 😂 I used to tell them my favourite was whoever wasn’t driving me mad at that moment, and remind my elder son that his younger brother drove me to distraction a lot of the time. They don’t say it anymore (13 and 10) and honestly both are my favourite for entirely different and the same reasons - I couldn’t possibly choose. I think they realise that now

Sounds normal to me.
My kids are in their 20s now and just had a bicker over the dinner table both insisting the other was my favourite!
Seriously, you sound to be doing a good job at explaining that differences can still be fair (always reflect if they are fair though)
As you eldest grows and the perks of being older balance with the responsibilities you may find your youngest starts saying your eldest is the favourite!
I think its developmentally normal in children to look at how they are treated in relation to others and it's healthy that your eldest can speak her mind about what she sees as unjust.
Good luck.

I’ve loved you for 9 years and I’ve loved your sister for 6 years, exactly the same. When you were 6 I treated you the way I treat your sister.

I leant into this which was easier due to having 4 DC.
"Awesome, you brought me a cup of tea. You are my favourite child for at least the next 3 minutes!"
or
"You really could have tried a lot harder to not get your footie kit so covered in mud. You are not my favourite child for the next 3 minutes."
etc.

I also joke with them about when I'm not their favourite parent. "I don't care what your dad said, the answer is still No! "

Ditto when they called me Dad, gave me golden ticket to get their names wrong, too.

Don’t take it personally, she needs to know that you can tolerate her complicated emotions.
Work on your resilience, be able to talk about but not be unduly upset by her pushing your buttons.
there will probably be plenty more as puberty and then teen years come.

Have you asked her specific reasons for saying so when she does raise it so you can respond to her examples. Do it every time she says it and maybe if she is genuinely conceiving your age appropriate response yon can explain that to her and if she’s doing it for attention will likely tire of raising as she’s going to have examples.

I don’t see how you can not chose to talk about it with her.

Whenever my kids have told me I have a favourite I’ve replied with “no I don't, I hate you all equally” even when they were young! But then I’m sarcastic twat and my kids have been brought up with the piss being taken out of them! It goes both ways, they take the piss out of me and their dad and each other too. They still think I have favourites, funnily enough it’s always the other child!

One of my friends tells her children they are all her favourites (rather than “neither of you are the favourite” which is what I used to say!) I thought this was a good idea.

It does sound from your post as though you favour the younger child - perhaps it shows in ways you're not aware of.
It won't help to lose your patience and argue with the older one - this could just convince her even more that she is less favoured. Maybe try to listen to her a bit more.