Eldest says I have a favorite

[Strawberries86]

I have 2 daughters 9 and 6. The 9 year old is quite the character, very loud and present but is funny and unique. My 6 year old is angelic, quiet, total sweetheart. My family say they are both extra, never still, always busy with some mischief but well behaved.

I treat them both age appropriately but similarly. The 9 year old gets reminded to grab her school bag, it’s her responsibility, the 6 year old the same but if she forgets I grab it for her. If the 9 year old forgets I send her back for it. That kind of thing. But they both get all the love and cuddles, they both still crawl on my knee for a hug etc. both have same 1:1 time.

My 9 year old is constantly saying I favour her sister and she gets upset about it. Iv explained I don’t, that I love the both equally. But I do have age related expectations of eldest. Iv made jokes and said the dog is my favorite. Me and my eldest have private jokes because she’s that bit older. I let her stay up later to balance the additional responsibilities so she gets good things with being the eldest.

But I’m at my wits end. I lost my patience and said she was basically calling me a bad mum and Iv had enough. I know in my heart I constantly try to make things fair and I do genuinely love them both the same. They are chalk and cheese but both are the center of my world.

Aibu to say enough, I love you but I’m not talking about this anymore. I’m not giving it any more oxygen and headspace.

I’m so open to constructive feedback on how I can do better by the way. No defensive mum here, just a head pecked one!

In my experience this is entirely normal. Older kids think the younger is the favorite because they see them getting an easier time and cannot understand it is because of the age difference...

Meanwhile the younger kid sees the older kid being given more freedom, responsibility, things (like technology) before them etc, and thinks they are the favorite.

At 9, just give her a bit more 1-1 time, and a bit more special attention for a little, and I'd imagine she will forget about it for a bit.

Ive known (and been) one of a number of siblings who all seem to think the other is the fav, and have solid reasons, but entirely contradictory answers.

Sounds like you're already explaining it well to her. She probably won't like it but that's tough, part of good parenting is pushing them to adapt to new responsibilities. I'd just remind her as often as you need to "when you were 6 I got your bag, and when DD2 is 9 I won't be getting it for her, we're not going over it again so time to get in the car".

Thank you both. I know it seems minor but when you are in it, it feels complicated.

Please anyone that has voted im unreasonable - happy to hear why.

My children are always saying 'you love him more than you love me'. I just tell them not to be silly.

All I can suggest is that you remind the 9 year old of the things she can do that the 6 year old can’t, eg a movie you can watch with her that would be too grown-up for the 6 year old (and make the time to actually do it), playing with her friends with less supervision, choosing her own clothes on weekends, whatever. And make sure that she does see you having expectations of the younger one, eg reminding the younger one to put toys or shoes away or whatever.

My DF always use to say I was his “favourite SummerInSun” and that my brother was his “Favourite Brother’sName”. Obviously a bit of a joke, but there is still something nice about being told you are a favourite even in that way. You could try saying “you are my favourite Mary in the whole world, and little sister is my favourite Susan in the whole world” - using their actual names of course.

When my kids were that age, I would say they were my favourite age year old. So you could say to your eldest she’s your favourite 9 year old and her sister is your favourite 6 year old.

Now they are all 14-20, if I get accused of favourites I tell them not to be so silly, I don’t like any of them (they all share my sense of humour and know this is a joke before anyone comes for me). They always laugh at it & i give them a big hug and tell them I love them. The other one I do is say oh no my favourite is that polite kid down the road…. Am I supposed to pick one of my own kids? Again, always makes them laugh.

I try to give them all one to one time with me and do activities with them of their choosing. It sounds to me like you’re doing a great job!

I think what you point out is that the things you do now for the 6yo you also did for her when she was six. And that when the 6yo is 9 you will have the same expectations as you now do of her.

It’s completely normal, My three are always accusing me of having a favourite (never them).

I think it’s more than that, possibly. I remember vividly that after I started scrolling, my younger sister did things with my mother and they’d tell me about what they’d done. I felt left out and wanted that 1:1 time with my mother. Although I had my mother to myself for the first 3 years of my life, my sister was born when I was the age that she went out with my mother. Being 2 and having your mother to yourself isn’t the same as being 4 and going out with her and talking and doing things.

I agree this is the type of things kids say. Unless she is exhibiting some genuine emotional distress I would be inclined to explain (as you have) about age related expectations and not engage beyond that.

If you are concerned you could try to emphasise the ways in which being older works in her favour, as opposed to against her.

As others, totally normal, I had this a few Christmases back from my eldest.........although well into his 30s by then🤣 telling me I was much easier on his younger brothers than him. Apart from what everybody above has said I also apologised if he felt that but explained that with your first you don't really know what your doing, your practising on them and probably he was right that i expected more from him as the eldest, by the third you realise what's important and what isn’t worth the battle 🤷‍♂️

Kids always think this. My 14 yo DD’s favourite line to throw out is “you wouldn’t tell x off for this because he’s your favourite” but she uses this indiscriminately to mean both her older and younger brother depending on her mood…

4 dc here, they all went through phases of saying this, I tell them I dislike them all equally ( they know im
joking). I do try to point out their individual traits that separate them from their siblings, that has helped. My own mum used to tell my older brother that he made her a mun, and tell me I was her baby, again separating our individual meanings. I will say though not to focus on it, or it will be used as a weapon. Say something nice , then disengage.

It’s a terrible idea to just ignore this or shut it down. It’s going to lead to terrible resentment between the kids, both the older because she’s going to continue feeling this way, and the younger because she’s inevitably going to restrain her behavior even more out of feelings of guilt (there’s a reason she’s the angelic one - often happens with the youngest).

You sound really defensive. Maybe you feel like you explained enough already but a 9 year old doesn’t think like an adult and one explanation isn’t enough.

You need to really engage with your DD9’s fears with a totally open mind. Have you just assumed it’s things like the bag, or are these examples she’s given? At 9 it’ll be really hard for her to understand and express her feelings about this, so maybe she says it’s the bag but it’s something deeper or just her fear. Ask her what you could do to make her feel equally loved.

Also I wonder about subtle messages she’s receiving from family. Do they really say both are “extra”? That seems unlikely given you describe them so differently.

My older sister was always cast as the naughty one by wider family and I’ve seen the same dynamic with my nieces (in law). The adults doing it don’t seem to realize and think they’re being subtle, but as an outsider watching them talk about my nieces it was incredibly obvious and toxic and of course both girls picked up on it. Watching it play out with them made me realize exactly the same thing has happened in my own family.

Just like you, my mum and SIL would both outright deny and refuse to see it, which just made the eldest feel even less seen.

My 68-year-old brother still witters on about me being my mum’s favourite. He’s the oldest too. My (late) mum just used to roll her eyes.

My eldest always clams my youngest is the favourite as well - complicated in our case as both have special needs but the youngest has higher needs, so does in reality get more attention at times.

One mistake I’ve made is to take it too seriously - like I feel oh no! He doesn’t feel loved! I have to take him for a special day out, or give him more one on one time, or buy him a treat! And so actually complaining about this (non-) issue became a good way for him to get stuff that he likes. Either consciously or unconsciously he’s complaining because he gets rewarded for it.

So I have totally shut it down now - if he starts up on it, I say it’s really common for older children to feel like that because they see the younger child being babied or indulged more, but actually I love them both the same, I like them both the same, and I’m really trying hard to give them both what they need. Then move on. Nothing more than “well I’m sorry you feel that way, all I can tell you is that you’re mistaken. I definitely love you both the same”.

This approach seems to be reducing the complaining….

As long as you scale up your expectations of your youngest at the same rate you did your eldest, it's all good.

Don't get into the situation that my family set up whereby the youngest was always the youngest and had lower expectations forever because they were the youngest. As the eldest child it was frustrating to see the youngest being babied and given leeway when I remembered being the same age as them but having higher levels of responsibility and maturity expected of me.

The book Siblings Without Rivalry is good for this kind of thing.

I think trying to get one on one time with each of them is important when you can. I take my older DD out for a cafe trip every week after school one day while her sister is at nursery, and I do the same with little sister when DD1 is off somewhere else or doing something with DH. I’ve taken DD1 for an overnight city break type trip just the two of us too. It doesn’t need to be much but just carving out a little time where you don’t have split attention goes a long way I think.

But I do think there’s probably an element of, I don’t want to say manipulation because I don’t think it’s as intentional as that, but kids do often know what pushes our buttons or what can get a reaction and once they find that loose thread they tug on it. And the sibling rivalry thing is a very common thread!

I'd subtly amp up the things she gets and the things her little sister can't do, but not massively.

I have been told by my three older siblings that I'm the favourite because I was littlest, but I was the one who had to live with all the rules that were made up due to their transgressions! (My brother was also considered a favourite by the three girls, as the oldest and quite unwell one)

I think you need to consider this from your daughter's pov. It might not be that you intentionally have a favourite but clearly your language and approach to your eldest makes her feel that you prefer her sister.
Objectively, you have used language to describe them both in an unequal manor. 'loud and unique' Vs 'angel and total sweetheart'.
At 9 is is absolutely not unreasonable that you would remember your child's school bag if she forgets it, she's 9 for god's sake.

If your 9yr old is loud and unique, how many times a day does she hear negative messages Vs the 6yr old? How much patience does she actually get?

I would encourage you to sit with the discomfort of this, really truly analyse your approach to your daughter's - it's not about the intent, it's about how it makes your daughter feel. How brave she is to tell you this is how she feels, please do not dismiss it.

This is a terrible approach, your child is shutting down because you dismiss their feelings. I'd recommend looking up glass children. All you've done is lesson your guilt, not ease your child's feelings.

@Strawberries86

I agree with @Chamallo personally.

"Aibu to say enough, I love you but I’m not talking about this anymore"

Why? Essentially, you mean she's being silly and her opinion is of no import?

How she feels and her perception is perfectly valid, it's not something to be ignored just because you can't see it?

Ok, I know both my kids, and I know that my eldest is entirely capable of dramatising his feelings in order to get the good rewards. I also have a severely disabled sister and grew up as a glass child myself so am very familiar with the hazards here. We’ve had a thousand conversations about his feelings, it wasn’t actually helping him, and so we now we adopt a matter of fact approach and move on, which is the advice we had from the specialist who actually knows him and his own special needs. So I can see where you’re coming from, but I disagree.