AIBU to feel hurt DH has not asked about us while away?

[Snowdrops99]

DH has gone away to pursue a hobby with some friends for 5 days and I'm looking after DC 7, 4 and 9 months. DC have had colds and baby teething, there's been the usual after school clubs and weekend clubs to take them to, as well as the usual endless tidying, washing, etc. The nights have been very disturbed but I was on board with this and knew what it might be like when the trip was planned. I actively encouraged DH to go as we all need a break sometimes! While away he's sent several pictures and X2 videos for the DC. I've sent a few pics back (maybe 6) of our activities and said baby has got X3 teeth since he left. There has been NOT A SINGLE comment on the photos, or what I've said or any questions about the DC or how I'm managing here. I'm actually pretty annoyed as I've been looking at pics of him having a great time while here on my own exhausted and feeling very unloved / unappreciated. I know if I went away for even a night I'd show a little bit more interest in what everyone is doing.

YABU - he's having a break so leave him to it
YANBU - he's being completely selfish and appears not to care what you've been up to

Thing is, I don't want him to come back and me be annoyed as that's never a nice feeling, but how to approach it?

He’s an absolute selfish fucker. I have rags on your behalf

Oh god. He is showing who he really is.

You encouraged him to take a break. He is taking one.
He has sent videos.
Just arrange your break and make it a break where you dont think about everything back home all hours.

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one! I was starting to wonder if I was just sleep deprived and this is normal behaviour but it sounds like perhaps it's not!

I mean you encouraged him to go. How far into the trip is he? Because if it’s day 1 or even 2 I think you are being a little unfair. Day 4 or 5, does feel a bit uncaring. Maybe he just knows you’ve got this?!

@Imthefunfriend he's back tomorrow afternoon so we're pretty much there. Can't see him saying much now!

The hobby is in a remote area so initially I thought maybe signal / battery issues but I know that's not the case as he has spare batteries and has sent 2 minute videos of himself, looked at the phone regularly etc

It’s a bit disappointing but he doesn’t necessarily need to comment on pictures to appreciate getting them and seeing his children. And would it really all be ok if he had said “oh fantastic” to a comment about your baby getting more teeth?

I would say he’s just trying to enjoy his little break and time away and what he’s like when he gets back is a way bigger tell. If he runs in and hugs you all and asks how you’ve been tomorrow afternoon then don’t sweat the small stuff like texting and reacting to pics. If he wanders in tomorrow showing no interest in you or the kids and just goes and chills on his phone or something then there’s a bigger problem there!

Oh. and also start planning your 5 days away!

I don’t know how to approach it OP but I would be really upset if I were you. You’ve got 3 kids and one of them a small baby I would expect DH to call/ txt every morning and evening.

It’s not the best but he is on a break and might not realise how much you’d appreciate it.

Give it a day or two after he's back and sit and have a chat about it. However, I can't imagine my partner not asking about our kids if he went away for this long, I'm off Thursdays with the kids and he's always texting asking how they've been.

What's he like with them when he's home?

When either my husband or I go away we barely contact the other. This was true even when we had three under 3s because the point of a break is that you don't need to think about the responsibilities of home for a bit.

Having said that if you are usually in constant communication and/or he initiated contact sending you videos of his trip then you're not unreasonable to expect acknowledgement of your updates.

I'd say he's pretty hands on when he's at home really. He does his share of the weekend clubs and will take them down in the mornings if I've had a busy night with the baby so I can rest. He takes an active interest in their school work / reading etc so I can't complain at him day to day. I probably do 90% of the mental load of DC and most of the looking after in the week but I'm on maternity leave right now and he works full time.

Let him enjoy his break
Plan your own

I understand you’re tired, it’s been a long week. When he’s home, mentally unpacked so to say let him know you’re taking yourself off for a few hours for something you like even if it’s just a lie down, out for a coffee something for you to destress.

Men!!! I hope he has got you a nice souvenir xx

Men and women are different. Our brains are wired differently - theirs has a thick cable, ours has branches like a tree/net. This is typically used to explain why women seem to be better at multitasking than men. If we assume that's the case, he can only really focus on what he's doing can't he?

I hope you enjoy your break soon x

I have to admit I thought you were going to say he had had no contact, in which case I would be torn. But it sounds like he did send things, showing he is thinking of you and the dc, and you did the same for him. Did you comment on his photos/videos, and would he have been annoyed if you hadn't? Do you usually react a lot to each other's messages?

My dh traveled a lot for work when our oldest kids were small in pre internet days. Every morning and every night without fail
he would call to see how I was getting on.

Sounds a bit rubbish to me, my dh is away for work 4½ time difference. He's doing loads of meetings and lots of travelling cross country and these are the kind of chats we're having.

I know how you feel as my oh is the same. It really annoyed me when the kids were small, but when we spoke about it, it was just because he was always so confident they were fine with me. He was the same at work and work trips. Never really called, any text messages were pics. He would ask about any big work events I had but assumed I'd raise it if there was anything. He's still the same. Rarely calls, especially if away abroad with work, a bit better if on a boys holiday. Just his way. He's a great dad, and husband, but it's just his way. With work he can be away for a month or so and I think it's also his way of coping. I know I find it easier if we don't speak much, just the odd text to know he's ok.

Is it his first time away? I really missed my DC the first time I went away without them. Maybe his way of managing it is to not think about how they're doing, he might be worried that the answer could make him feel worse. It's sometimes easier to just detach.

This.

When either my husband or I go away we barely contact the other. This was true even when we had three under 3s because the point of a break is that you don't need to think about the responsibilities of home for a bit.

and this.

That’s quite the extreme isn’t it. Going from being so hands on and involved to out of sight out of mind ? I would very concerned about his false behaviour at home, surely you just don’t switch off what is genuine?
I can’t imagine being involved with my kids day to day and then not even bothered to ask how they are?

I couldn't be arsed with someone constantly bothering me if I was on holiday. It's 5 days ffs.

I was totally ‘out of sight out of mind’ when I was away when DS was small. Either I was working around the clock, or I was having a total break. I knew DS and DH were fine.