AIBU to feel hurt DH has not asked about us while away?

[Snowdrops99]

DH has gone away to pursue a hobby with some friends for 5 days and I'm looking after DC 7, 4 and 9 months. DC have had colds and baby teething, there's been the usual after school clubs and weekend clubs to take them to, as well as the usual endless tidying, washing, etc. The nights have been very disturbed but I was on board with this and knew what it might be like when the trip was planned. I actively encouraged DH to go as we all need a break sometimes! While away he's sent several pictures and X2 videos for the DC. I've sent a few pics back (maybe 6) of our activities and said baby has got X3 teeth since he left. There has been NOT A SINGLE comment on the photos, or what I've said or any questions about the DC or how I'm managing here. I'm actually pretty annoyed as I've been looking at pics of him having a great time while here on my own exhausted and feeling very unloved / unappreciated. I know if I went away for even a night I'd show a little bit more interest in what everyone is doing.

YABU - he's having a break so leave him to it
YANBU - he's being completely selfish and appears not to care what you've been up to

Thing is, I don't want him to come back and me be annoyed as that's never a nice feeling, but how to approach it?

My dh recently went on a pals break for a week, same but then again he knows I've got it sorted, still messaged generally daily tho and soon as he gets home he dives back in with helping etc..It didn't bother me, I know he adores us all and is entitled to enjoy his time away.

It’s a bit extreme to say it’s false behaviour at home. OP has sent him texts and photos so why would he be worried about them? It’s less than a week he’s away. Some people are just different in their approach. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

He’s kept in contact though, and you’ve given updates, had you not and he hadn’t asked I’d be pissed off but he knows how it’s going and he’s showing you how he’s getting on- I don’t know that we all wouldn’t be the same when away

I would have expected him to comment on the baby's three new teeth and check if the baby was OK as babies can be quite fractious and upset when their teeth are coming through.

If he had time to send videos, he had time just to check that everyone was OK.

Yes exactly, she was up every 40 minutes until about 4am one of the nights it hasn't been an easy few days. She was the same when she got her first two teeth so I'd have thought he'd have maybe checked I was ok after that

Just start to plan your break ??

Maybe petty but I would be very uncommunicative to him. You’ve volunteered information about how the kids are so he didn’t have to ask. Stop doing that and see if he enquires! Be rude back and don’t comment on his pics/videos since you’re a bit busy looking after your 3 shared kids!

Your post made me really annoyed on your behalf OP! You need to sit him down when he gets back and calmly say how this has made you feel, and that it is going to be hard to forget how little interest he showed. 3 teeth and no comment!! This isn’t his first baby, he must know how fractious baby will likely have been and therefore how tired you are, but even without that why would he not just show some regard and solidarity??

How often does he look after all three on his own? For how long? How many overnights? I’d be booking myself a hotel or going to my Mum’s or sisters or best friends for a visit/rest to remind him just how hard this is. Seriously, do not put up with unequal behaviour, or selfishness.

A relationship is supposed to have you feeling cherished and respected.

He absolutely should have checked in with you each day to see how you were coping. It’s inconsiderate not to, especially with a baby.

@Heraldry yes exactly, and I don't feel cherished and respected at all after these few days. He'll have known it'll have been hard but he's never had the 3 of them on his own for more than about an hour or two so maybe he doesn't know quite what the juggle involves. It's been mainly due to me breastfeeding but as baby can go for quite a while without milk in the day I'm thinking I'll go out for a few hours one weekend coming up!

I've got a trip planned to visit my sister but I'm taking the baby with me (due to BF).

it appears that the bar is incredibly low for men. I can’t imagine not even asking how my three children are when I am away even for a few days. This is not about him not responding to your messages or photos but the fact that just because he’s away he can switch off from the fact that he’s also a parent. YANBU.

I feel this way about it too tbh. I understand your world feels small right now with three young DC so it can be difficult when left alone and resentment can brew. He hasn’t gone away for a long time though, not even a week and whilst it would be nice for him to check in, I don’t think it’s a bad thing for him to just have some time away from family life for a few days. I hope you get the same opportunity.

My DH and I would be talking every day. Just texting wouldn’t be enough for either of us. If he was remote without much signal he’d walk until he found enough signal to call. Clearly OP’s DH had enough signal to upload a few videos. Could have phoned for 5 minutes or something.

@Snowdrops99 Please start taking a few hours to yourself every weekend. Feed the baby then leave baby with DH. Baby will be fine.

The purpose of a holiday is literally to switch off!

@WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady that's how it feels! I'm the same, I wouldnt just be able to ignore my DC for that length of time. It's also support for me, he knew I didn't have anyone around for the weekend so just a message to ask if I'm ok would have made me feel better.

He was supposed to be back early afternoon and I was really looking forward to having some time to myself. He didnt even let me know, I asked just to check and turns out he won't be back until later this evening so I've got to do school run, clubs, dinner etc all again.

To be honest I feel like next time I'll just say I can't do it. Why should I!

Don't make ANY fuss on his return. Just act as if he's come home from work on a normal day. It's shitty behaviour from him. Really awful.

I think this is so subjective, depending on your relationship.
When dh and I are away from each other we don't really text/message and we are both quite happy to not hear from the other.
For me, when I am away, whether for work or for pleasure, I am totally switched off from home, and hate having to drag my brain back into home stuff. I trust dh to have it all under control, and I am happy to wait to hear all about the new teeth etc when I get back.
I never text/phone/ message him during a normal working day either, unless it is something urgent, and vice versa.
We have been married for 27 years and have a great working partnership, it is just how we do it.

That is our relationship. For other people, several texts a day is normal.
So it is really hard to say definitely one way or the other if he is being selfish, or if he is just getting on with taking a break.

For me, the issues are

1. when did YOU last get 5 days away, or do you have 5 days away planned into your schedule in the near future?
2. what is he like when you are at home together?

If the answer to both of those is positive, then I would say have a conversation about what is a normal amount of communication when one of you is away.

Exactly if I need dh i contact him i dont need to send things just because and I feel the same in reverse

I dont care if i am the only one but I am sick of this endless need of anyone deciding the bar for everyone

I agree and I am pretty taken aback at the posters who have decided he is a shitty man with a low bar for communication and just everyone clutching their pearls.
This is so personal to your relationship, you encouraged him to go and have a break and he is ..... going and havign a break.

When he gets back say, all those wonderful pictures gave me some inspiration, so I've booked a 5 day holiday in the next few months.

You'll be okay with your kids won't you 🙂

What would he do realistically if you say you not coping?
My ex would do that he would call me when i was away expecting me to sort things out from afar. It was sh£t behaviour.

i know op is just asking for sharing of joy over new teeth but still.... a break was agreed.

If is agreed one parent goes away for a break then they get a break?
If you or he need support when solo parenting that is fair...then arrange it before the other goes away. (Family member to stay and help. Paid help. Hire a student helper)

dh and I are pretty much no contact when away for work or pleasure tbh so this is normal for both of us.
Our dc are older now but have always had time away either for pleasure (both of us) or work (just me) and it’s generally just expected that whoever is home picks up the slack and allows the other to be free of ‘home’ stuff.
a text to say we’ve arrived safely, and text to say flight home is at x time and should be home at x and that’s about it.
Obviously if any emergencies cropped up in between we would have been in contact.
But if I’m away, what can I do about someone having a cold or a sick bug or cutting teeth at home? He knew where the medication was and could get on with it competently. Sending sympathy is just lip service to the person at home coping, it doesn’t actually help with the practicalities. You’re always going to be a bit tired and sleep deprived at points with small dc and teething babies, you agreed to him going in the first place so were aware that this period of time was always going to fall on you alone.
I think it does depend very much on contact you have when both at home day to day, we don’t really communicate by text or whatever during the working day because we’re both busy so it’s quite normal for us and this wouldn’t be a source of tension.
But every relationship has different expectations and you’re not wrong for wanting more communication from him if that’s what you’re used to anyway.

OP has done it for 5 days straight. Her DH sounds like he hasn’t done it for 5 hours. If she’d like some support from him, doesn’t that seem fair?

Personally if I was having a 5 day jolly while my partner was looking after 3 kids including a teething baby, I’d ask after them! And I’m not a big texter.

Yeah when I go away without my son I don't ask much either and I'm the mum! 😂 That's the point, no, to get away from it all?? He can catch up on childcare updates when he's home. Not the same as chats while travelling for work as a PP posted screenshots of, IMO.

I’m away almost a week now and left husband with 2 kids under 5 alone - I’ve not spoken to them really at all - have been so busy and they are busy too!

I’ve spoken to the older child once on video and she didn’t even want to chat

husband and I have exchanged a few photos and that’s about it

he’d call if there was a problem.