To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

Your minimalizing of the brother's threatening behaviour is really disturbing. As though the world should just tolerate men's violent behaviour if they have been classified as in some way "vulnerable".

Yes that's the one.

I repeat his behaviour is challenging, no denying it. The parents can't just leave him though can they, so they miss their dd's wedding. That is so very sad.

Where has anyone said this?

And managing risk means there are occasions where they don't attend events where there is a high risk that they could display aggressive behaviours. It not only puts the public at risk but to the person themselves.

This wedding could have young children, pregnant woman, elderly people. Do you think it's acceptable they are placed at risk from someone who has displayed such violent behaviour, displays verbally abusive behaviour, has left notes and threatening violence and is unpredictable with alcohol.

Its completely unreasonable to think that the onus lies on the wedding party to moderate their behaviour for the sake of the OPs sibling.

So disgusting. I think sometimes these people should be locked up or not allowed out. She knew darn well that was not ok behaviour.

Well as you said before, it's unfortunatey life with disabilities.

The OPs had a lifetime of feeling neglected and a traumatic childhood due to it. It seems only fair that she takes back some control of her life.

Do you really think the parents missing their daughters wedding is in any comparison to the what the OP has had to put up with throughout her childhood.

Why yes, I do think violent people should be locked away so as to not cause harm to those around them, or cause harm to themselves. Absofuckinglutely.

OP doesn’t want her brother there, no matter what country the wedding is in. She doesn’t like him. She has spent her life so far playing second fiddle to him, and being neglected by her parents. But yes, the real problem is the brother being excluded, because accommodating him and the parents is more important than what OP wants for her own wedding. Sure. 🤡

@Gloriia yes we've established that, some of you proudly think those with LDs should be excluded. Perhaps keep locked away?

I think you're deliberately twisting things that PP have posted in order to try to manipulate the conversation.

And frankly, trying to manipulate and shame women into tolerating men's violence is pretty low behaviour. I mean, it's 2026, these beliefs should be long gone, right?

Err no. It's the disability that is the issue. Tolerance, understanding, inclusion etc. You must have heard of those words?

If, say he was just a violent cross dresser of course you wouldn't invite him but then the parents wouldn't be his carers and they could go without him couldn't they? It's the LD and the parents being the carers that are the relevant points here.

And the answer is that, if they thought long term, he should be placed in residential care. If they started to make arrangements now, then he could be settled before the inevitable happens.

But he's still a violent cross dresser, so she shouldn't have to put up with it. And nor should her fiance.

So you wouldn't invite a violent cross-dresser? How very intolerant and discriminatory of you.

Edit: that was in reply to @Gloriia

Should the OP be able to place any boundaries around her brother's behaviour, or do you think all of it should be accepted due to his disability? Would you draw the line anyhere?

I have a trans (m-f) friend who is also on the spectrum. The difference being that when their relative was getting married in a conservative Christian country, they thought about it, and found a gender-neutral outfit (think a beautifully tailored suit), tied their hair back and wore barely visible makeup for the wedding. The rest of the time in the country they wore jeans and t-shirts.

If OP’s brother has capacity to decide they are transgender then they also have the capacity to wear appropriate clothing. They can have capacity and still have additional learning needs. So to me it sounds deliberately provocative and I’d be interested to hear whether their transition happened around the same time you began planning a wedding - therefore taking the focus off them for a bit?

That said, you are definitely NOT BU for not wanting them there. I feel for your parents, being put in this position, but your partner deserves to enjoy his wedding too. Xx

It doesn't matter whether it's his disability is the issue or not. The risk is still the same if he's violent and the OP has every right to place boundaries and restrictions on this.

I'm not getting this argument that if he didn't have a disability you'd be inviting him even if he displayed the same behaviours. Where do you draw the line? Should the OP just forever accept his behaviour.

The murderer who commited Southport stabbings had autism. Is his behaviour somehow deemed acceptable because he had autism? Should the parents be showing tolerance and inclusion there?

I think you really need to discuss with your parents about getting him houses in some kind of adult living facility. This can't go on as your parents get older

Don't invite them OP. It genuinely isn't worth the stress, and if they are really that clueless about how to dress, then they'll just have to learn the hard way that there are consequences to their behaviour.

It's a shame that this means your parents can't attend either, though (or could one fly out, and the other stay home with your sibling)?

Arrange to have a mini post-wedding meal with your immediate family. As pp have said, this is your day and the fact you're even posting abour it online tells me it's weighing heavily on your mind.

Weddings are stressful enough. Don't add this to your plate.

"Sheila", a girl who lived in the next block to me had a learning disability which unfortunately meant that she had the body of a large woman but the mind of a child. So far as I can tell, she was non-verbal although she did scream. I believe she was 14 yrs old - possibly older.

I knew her first name and that she autistic. ( My mother had explained this to me. We knew that this was why no one had reported Sheila's behaviour to the police.) This was back in the 1960s.

Sometimes, she would appear round the back of our block of flats and would chase after the children playing there. With hindsight, I'm guessing that she just wanted to play with us. However, we didn't know that.

When I was 7, Sheila ran at me and struck me hard across the face. I was terrified. I was a big girl for my age, but to me Sheila seemed like an adult and I couldn't fathom why this woman had yelled and hit me.

We had visitors that day, including a 12 yr old girl. She came outside with me. When Sheila reappeared and went to hit me again, the 12 yr old jumped up and hit Sheila in the face.

Poor Sheila ran off crying and I cannot recall seeing her again.

I have no doubt that Sheila's parents were at the end of their tether, but they were in the wrong to allow Sheila to wander around unattended. I suspect that she did end up in residential care.

Unless there is a plan in place which means that the OP's sibling can be safely managed in a public setting, then I don't see how he can attend any wedding reception, given that his behaviour escalates when alcohol is taken, and even a small civil service might be too much.

No it's not appalling. The inquiry found that there was an institutional problem that didn't just apply to the perp in the Southport case. It was an observation that at an institutional level risk assessments were not being done properly for fear of offensive and being accused of being prejudiced.

This is the exact same mistake as being demonstrated on this thread.

The OP is right to view this as a risk. She didn't think it was a butter knife from what she has said and even if it was a butter knife, the behaviour pattern is more important than the choice of knife. Next time it might not be the butter knife. The point is the issue about the threats and physical violence to her parents - they are suffering parental abuse. She is clearly aware that she may have to step in to protect her parents from her brother at some point in the future.

In this context it most definitely isn't unfair to be risk assessing whether it is appropriate to expose her wider family and her DPs family to her brother because he clearly is unable to cope with certain social settings and has demonstrated that he will make threats to innocent strangers based on their appearance alone and this has merited police involvement.

This is part of a pattern of escalating behaviour.

If her brother was stable and predictable and her parents were managing his behaviour it would be a different conversation. Right now the conversation is unpleasant and uncomfortable for the OP but she really needs to have it - for the sake of her brother.

The last thing ANYONE wants is an incident at the wedding as it's liable to put him in an exceptionally vulnerable position and this would apply as much to the UK as a wedding abroad unfortunately.

Precisely because he is currently spiralling in his behaviour.

Of course he needs some outside intervention if he is doing this. You can't say oh it's just because he has a LD we should ignore this and let it continue to spiral. That's not being ablist. It's quite the opposite. It's looking out for the vulnerable person themselves.

This fuck headed nonsense of avoiding the actual problem because it is inconvenient to a particular political narrative has got to stop. The people it is hurting the most are the ones who need that support and intervention. I do feel all this virtue signalling is convenient to cost cutting though.

It's the equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and going lalala.

You do know being violent isn't a protected characteristic whereas disability is? If you Google it lists the 9 characteristics or I can link if that helps?

Oh look.

Lalala.

It sounds as though OP's parents and brother travelling to her DP's Eastern European country of birth for the wedding wouldn't work. It would be immensely stressful and distressing for OP's parents and her brother, particularly as her DP's family aren't particularly enlightened about trans people.

If that's the case, the two options are for OP and her DH to either have their wedding in the UK so that her parents and brother can attend but many of her DP's family cannot due to the cost of travel, or OP marries abroad without her parents and brother in attendance.

It seems that OP has had a lifetime of her parents putting her brother first, quite understandably but obviously distressing for OP. Most posters agree that on the occasion of her wedding, OP should be able to put herself first and she obviously would like to have her wedding in her DP's home country. I don't think that she is being unreasonable.

You're absolutely right. And the OP isn't discriminating against him based on disability, she's discriminating against him on the basis of his violence. You've made my point for me nicely.

So many assumptions and seriously stop bringing in a terrible violent atrocity into this . A butter knife isn't a room full of weapons is it. Such weird and inappropriate false equivalence.

Lots of people with LD have behavioural issues, we manage them on an individual basis.

Your sweeping generalisations and demonisation suggesting someone with LDs may be on the verge of committing a mass atrociuty is absolutely appalling. Yep, that word again.

I'll let you into a secret. The bride and groom can decide that anyone, absolutely anyone, isn't invited to their wedding. Or any other celebration they might have.