To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

Some people with LD do have behavioural issues. Tbh I'm not sure I'd be to worried about him waving a butter knife about but obviously who knows if that means he could be dangerous.

Honestly. I think some of you would welcome asylums and locking people away. It's 2026, these beliefs should be long gone!

You can be part of a family and accept not all occasions will be suitable for him to attend. Some are, this one is not.

Really! FWIW, my oldest has physical health issues and is blind. My youngest had ASD, ADHD and an anxiety disorder. There is absolutely no way I would take them to a wedding if I thought either would behave badly or create a problem.

'That he’s disabled may explain his behavior, but it doesn’t negate the trauma it has caused to OP, or make her obliged to like him and/or want to be around him'

Not negating it. You manage it as best you can, even at weddings.

No. I've actually said there is no right or wrong way to do this.

BUT I've also said that given how the OP feels and the context of later information about his violent behaviour which ONCE AGAIN you have side stepped.

Instead you have chosen to dodge this point and accuse me of projecting rather than see it as having an understanding that FAMILY isn't the be all and end all because some families are toxic and that sometimes it is ok not to do 'what you are supposed to' because of manipulative ideas about tradition or duty or obligation and sometimes its ok to put yourself first.

In this particular case I actually don't think the brother would cope with any wedding so the act of not inviting him actually safeguards not only the OP and her guests but also him, himself.

But you are determined not to talk about this.

Yes, and one of those ways is by not having him there at all 🙂

THE POLICE WERE INVOLVED IN A SECOND INCIDENT.

You are massively minimising.

The Southport Inquiry found that prioritising Identity Politics meant multiple opportunities were missed to stop the tragedy from happening. This is institutional blindness and it is recognised as something that needs to stop to protect all parties, including the disabled person themselves.

Reframe your trauma anyone???!

Have you missed the information that the sibling is both verbally and physically abusive?

So you've read about the verbal abuse, but have missed the physical abuse?

So basically because he has disabilities the OP has to basically suck it, forget how traumatic her childhood was, push aside the fact she's had a neglectful childhood and ensure her parents are prioritised at her wedding

The OP has every good reason on her posts to feel she had the childhood she had. Why on earth would she prioritise her parents when they clearly haven't prioritised her throughout her childhood. Is the OP to spend her life coming second best with her parents and even on her own wedding day?

And it isn't about abelism. It's about managing and assessing risk for someone who has shown a potential for violence and unpredictably around alcohol. And sometimes this means not placing them in situations where this risk may be heightened. The OP has every right to ENJOY her wedding in peace and safety without being on edge, worrying about what her brother might do or say which she appears to have done all her life. The needs of the OPs brother don't come first on her wedding day or before the needs of the order guests.

The rest of you might be happy having someone who has a history of physical and verbal aggression at your wedding. That's fine. Doesn't mean the OP has to accept it.

I really get annoyed at the persistent idea that people who have a difficult sibling somehow always hate them. If it was that simple, these type of decisions would be a hell of a lot easier.

It always avoids the point that sometimes it is necessary to have difficult conversations for their own benefit - just like you don't just accept the behaviour of an alcoholic - because sometimes this makes a problem worse rather than better. It also assumes that you don't still love someone. You can still love someone but recognise that your relationship is complex and sometimes even though you love them, you should still step back from it.

Sometimes the best thing is lower involvement in the life of someone you love because of their behaviour and its in the best interests of all parties rather than continuing in a pattern whilst ultimately only causes more problems.

Yes we've established that, some of you proudly think those with LDs should be excluded. Perhaps keep locked away?

Others however accept the massive challenges some situations cause but that we manage it. Rather than exclude vulnerable, albeit difficult, people. We're all different though.

The brother is very unwelcome because he is a violent liability, do you really think he should be there? Just because someone has a LD doesn't mean they should be given a free pass.
I was in a lovely village cafe the other day when a carer brought in a young woman that i know, i have known the family for years. Now Sarah has Ld. On Saturday she came into the cafe and headed straight over to a man that was Sat alone at a table, she turned so her bottom was against the table right by his food and farted long and loud and it stank. She found this hilarious and was laughing saying i farted on your cake. The poor man was furious and pushed his plate away and demanded that Sarah should pay his bill. Should the man just have shrugged and carried on eating, after all Sarah has Ld therefore should be allowed to do what she likes.

No thats not what has been said.

Would you like to quote where I have said that????

@Gloriia I'd be so disappointed if my DC chose a venue to get married that they knew we would struggle to attend.

But presumably you haven't neglected your children to the extent that they need therapy to come to terms with their childhood. So your situation is completely different.

And unfortunately, previous violent behaviour is the most reliable predictor of future violence. The OP's brother has already threatened a parent with a knife, manhandled the other, and left a note threatening violence in the toilets of a community centre. You might be prepared to tolerate that kind of violent behaviour from a "brick shithouse" of a man, but I think you would be making a very serious mistake.

Actually I think some people would be better if if housed safely away from causing harm to others. I've met people, professionally, who really should not be wandering around causing problems. They are a severe danger to others.

To bring the Southport inquiry into this is appalling.

This sibling waved a butter knife about and wrote a note.

He sounds difficult, many people are. That is life though and sadly a harder life for his parents dealing with his behaviour.

THIS, with frickin bells on!

Its absolutely fine to exclude a violent self absorbed man who is likely to insult people, threaten men with long hair, may or may not wave knives about, and will most likely turn up dressed like a stripper and make it all about him.

Learning disabilities or not.

If OP's brother didn't have LD and was just violent, disruptive, obnoxious and attention-seeking, should she still invite him to the wedding then?

So sorry you both have to make difficult decisions about a very important occasion in your life. One set of parents will be disappointed no matter what you choose, but that is part of being parents.

In this scenario you both need wisdom and understanding, not judgement. Hopefully a resolution will be found and all will be well, or not. Best wishes for your future life together.