AIBU to feel frightened my daughter may cut contact at university?

[Tinselandtrainers]

DD is 17, nearly 18.. She has an eating disorder and is very stressed about A Levels.

An ongoing claim is that her ED is my fault, although we've never got to the bottom of why. DH seems to be able to do no wrong, despite me always doing the lion's share in parenting, particularly the mental load. DH and I are currently divorcing.

DD's latest screamed claim is that she will cut off all ties with me when she goes to university. She will only speak to DH and hopes he'll meet someone else so she can "Finally have a mother".

AIBU to be very scared about this, or is it likely to be just teenage rage?

She had never suffered anything near abuse or neglect, by the way

This is not someone who should be going away to uni in September
she will deteriorate rapidly and seriously

I agree with @Spicysirracha. Your daughter needs urgent mental health help and is not really in a good place to be pursuing independence at uni. She’d probably benefit from some quite intensive therapy. Does she currently have therapy?

I agree, because it happened to one of my school friends. By Christmas she was 6 stone and had to be forcibly sectioned to save her life. Away from home she simply did not eat and was killing herself.

Your ex needs to support her to get the help she needs now. Uni should be close to home.

She does sound unwell, and yanbu to be scared.

What does she say when you ask her what she means about you having "caused" her eating disorder? What exactly are her complaints?

Girl sorry

I'd be wishing her well with that and saying 'you know where I am if you need me' 🙄

Unless theres a drip feed coming, where youve done loads of crappy things, yabu to do more than your motherly duty for the time being x

(Which is attending appointments, taking care of home, lifts etc. The ucas is done presumably, so its just shopping for uni stuff. I'd help her, tell her you love her and that you're always gonna be here, and leave it at that. Don't keep on at her trying to fix things, if youve done nothing wrong).

Sorry op but she's not in a stable mental situation to go to university. Please please get some help for her and in present situation she is she doesn't go to university. Yanbu. This could be life or death so please get external help and support for you and your daughter x

That’s really horrible of her To say. Please know that it’s the eating disorder speaking most likely. I’d assume you’re the one trying to get her better and DH is more relaxed about it? If this is the case it’s likely the ED thoughts guiding her away from you to try and maintain weight loss.

Unfortunately all you can do is repeat that you love her and will always be here for her. When she is an adult you won’t be able to control if she sees you or not.

Thanks everyone. She's had support from school, TiC and is an out patient at an eating disorder clinic. I've tried to find another counsellor, but there isn't anyone locally so deals with teenagers and eating disorders.

She thinks that I've repeatedly called her fat. I haven't.

Also many EDs do not begin because of big traumas or abuse etc. In fact, parents divorcing is one of the most common triggers/‘traumas’ noted for the development of eating disorders. Though this has reduced over the decades of divorce being more accepted.

Ogden’s Psychology of Eating talks about this a bit.

Op seriously - she can’t go.

surely if she’s an out patient - they can refer you or at least sign post you to a counsellor?

I've repeatedly said that she isn't ready to leave home for university (I'm worried sick), DH says it will be good for her. DD therefore calls me "Evil".

She's been like this towards me for months and I'm broken

Your dh knows sweet f*ck all.

As it stands… it doesn’t sound like she’s actually received any therapy at all?

Have you ever passed comment on her appearance or food consumption? Someone doesn’t have to explicitly call someone fat to make them self conscious of their body. Even commenting on the weight and physical appearance of others is enough to send a message to a child that body weight / appearance matters in some way and being bigger / heavier is ‘undesirable’.

She's had counselling through TiC, but definitely needs more.

We're divorcing for a number of reasons, but maybe because I don't feel at all supported by DH through all of this. DD is very happy about the divorce.

Well have you implied this? Have you made fun of her appearance or given her weird looks when she suggests an outfit?

How many other children do you have?

No, I haven't implied it. No other children

I also agree she doesn’t sound well enough to be going, but sadly if she has capacity and the financial means to go without your support then there is not much you can do. Is her Dad on board with how unwell she is?

Have you all had family therapy as part of her ED treatment @Tinselandtrainers?
Is there any truth at all in her claims that you caused her ED? Obviously it’s much more complex than that but I wonder what the conversations have been.

Can you not have the counsellor she had previously? Surely one of the organisations can sign post you to a private therapist?

Who will be helping with finance (assuming you are in England)?

That sounds very difficult for you . I also agree that your daughter does sounds vulnerable and may struggle a bit at uni . Hopefully there will be support in place for her there as unis are more aware of a students welfare these days .

I think all you can do is be there for her and try and not burn any bridges . That may mean holding your tongue as whatever you say will be wrong . She takes you for granted and you are always just “ there “.

It is also seems like a very difficult dynamic with your ex . She may not have had as much attention from him as she wanted growing up and accordingly has
put him on a bit of a pedestal .

I think we as the parents ( usually but not always the mothers ) who do all the heavy lifting in parenting / in the home don’t really get much credit .

We are doing the boring bits and that can certainly go unappreciated / un rewarded . As children mature they may come to appreciate us , but sadly may not . I am still very much waiting for that with my kids !

Not even a young son?

I booked a family counselling session, but didn't like it because the counsellor asked what we are individually worried about any DH started going on and one about finances and I thought that DD didn't need all of these extra concerns. It felt as though we were adding to her load, not relieving it by

Don't do this. She'll be eighteen assuming she hasn't been assessed as lacking capacity, any comments made about allowing her to go if she does X or y are pointless.