AIBU to feel frightened my daughter may cut contact at university?

[Tinselandtrainers]

DD is 17, nearly 18.. She has an eating disorder and is very stressed about A Levels.

An ongoing claim is that her ED is my fault, although we've never got to the bottom of why. DH seems to be able to do no wrong, despite me always doing the lion's share in parenting, particularly the mental load. DH and I are currently divorcing.

DD's latest screamed claim is that she will cut off all ties with me when she goes to university. She will only speak to DH and hopes he'll meet someone else so she can "Finally have a mother".

AIBU to be very scared about this, or is it likely to be just teenage rage?

She had never suffered anything near abuse or neglect, by the way

Two people who have their body commented on in the same way can react completely differently and one can have an ED and the other not. People are not to blame for their child’s mental illness - EDs are a combination of genetics, predisposition, self esteem, environmental and lifestyle factors.

True, forgot she was turning 18 for a second.

If you're referring to previous post, that wasn't me - it was my neighbour. She's my closest friend and doesn't have her own login. Two people have therefore posted under this username.

I have no other children

I very clearly said it’s much more complex but was curious about why she thinks this.

Also family therapy is almost always offered in ED services in my experience.

This is a difficult one because ultimately, unless sectioned, once she’s at University she can do as she pleases ie estranging herself. But it does sound like the road to actually getting to uni is a complex one. I work in student services FYI

Maybe tell her that it takes all of 20 seconds to set up a mumsnet account

I imagine the atmosphere at home is dire between you and your husband. Plus a levels. will she be living with her dad post divorce?

your dd needs extensive professional support. Not just for the ED. She sounds very very unhappy and unstable

because of this previous post @Spicysirracha?

Tinselandtrainers · 24/04/2026 13:07
I had to go into hospital, totally unexpectedly, for ten days.
DH and I have DS, who is four years old.
When I came back home, everyone (friends and neighbours) kept telling me how "Brilliant" DH was at looking after DS.
DH works from home, so school drop off etc isn't a problem for him. I usually do it though because I work there every day.
It's been a few weeks since this all happened, but I'm feeling annoyed at the praise heaped on DH because he's a man! I usually do everything for DS in terms of taking to activities and parties etc, and no one ever tells me that I'm doing really well. Neither should they, of course - he's my responsibility.
It's as if people think I was on holiday, or something, rather than a lot of stress and pain in hospital.
AIBU to think that dads who step up in childcare get more credit than mums?

Absolutely this. I am so sorry you and your dd are going through this but I think it would be detrimental to her to be alone in a new place with lots of new stress.

ETA - I know your hands are tied on this though, seeing as she will soon be an adult. I really feel for you.

Yes

apparently gave her neighbour log in details to her account rather than her neighbour doing the 20 second sign up process!

I absolutely wouldn’t be trying to bargain with a YP with an eating disorder without express advice from clinicians. Seems a risky prospect.

OP you need to book yourself in for counselling too. Family counselling is a waste of time. Don't make her the villain.

Yes I agreed with a Pp that that query was misguided of me as DD doesn’t need OPs permission to go aged 18 anyway.

😕 mmm, yes I saw that after I'd posted 🤷

I had AN through my teens and as soon as I left home and got away from the stress my ED disappeared and my depression went overnight, it was the most liberating wonderful experience ever. But I didn’t go to uni, I can imagine if I did my MH would have deteriorated. Can she take a gap year?

I had an ED for several years in my teens. When i went to university i rapidly and fully recovered..

I needed to be away from the triggering family member to feel good enough about myself to value myself and eat well.

If i spend too much time with the individual even as an adult i feel the ED taking a grip again but i know now and i leave and am low contact with them.

OP i know it's very hard but try to search your mind without judgement for what is causing her mental health to be so awful.

I'm always very wary of posters who proclaim that their child had a great upbringing/ no trauma etc etc - how can you say that on behalf of another person. At the most I'd be saying I tried my best but I know I will have got lots of things wrong.

If she has split you and DH into bad parent /good parent there has to be more at play. You say she's happy you're divorcing so he can find her a new mum? This is pretty extreme stuff.

Is there anything else in your relationship, outside of ED, that could make her feel this way? Was her chilshood full or arguments, has exDH been a warmer parent?

If you try to stop her going to uni she will see you as controlling. If you din't want to lose her, the best thing you could do is truly listen to her pain and acknowledge things you've done wrong by her, even if you were doing them for the right reasons at the time.

This is not how anonymous Internet forums work! It is misleading and a breach of trust. Why would you agree to this?

Mental health can improve vastly away from family. There are all kinds of ways to make a young person feel bad while 'kindly' telling them things 'for their own good'.

@Tinselandtrainers please join us on the support for YP with ED thread, for some proper advice. Repost there
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5528988-support-thread-15-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Is she planning to live with her father when you split, and will he be funding her through university? It’s a myth that university brings independence. Unless students have a personal massive trust fund, they very much depend on their parents.

I've repeatedly said that she isn't ready to leave home for university

OP why are you treating her like a child?

Of course she’s going to be frustrated with you if you ‘repeatedly tell her she’s not ready to leave home’.

Be supportive of her and help her choose where she wants to go etc.
If you want any sort of relationship with her then you need to stop smothering her which is pushing her away.

Yes, my neighbour used mine rather than making an account. We were mid-conversation about the topic she posted about, when she was at my house. I opened my laptop and she wrote the post.

DD says that she will stay with her dad when she comes home from university.

I just don't know what to do.

Go to therapy. That's what you should do. If you really want to help her you would go and try and see if there is something you do that might have harmed your relationship with her. But I think you just want to moan and fix her because she's the one who is known to be ill.

Agree. Someone close to me with an eating disorder has taken a relative's comment that 'you look well' to mean 'you're fat'. People with eating disorders will interpret even extremely innocuous comments through that lens.

Everyone saying don’t let her go to uni… how is the mum she “hates” going to stop an adult exactly?!

I think you have to write her a letter saying you love her and will always be here for her. Then take a step back. Ex dh will need to monitor/visit her to ensure weight loss isn’t a concern. It may be a change of scene will help her. You’re not the person to fix it for her right now though - I know that’s heart breaking but pushing her from you will not be helpful. Hopefully she will find uni eye opening and have time to reflect, but it might take longer than you’d hope.