AIBU to feel frightened my daughter may cut contact at university?

[Tinselandtrainers]

DD is 17, nearly 18.. She has an eating disorder and is very stressed about A Levels.

An ongoing claim is that her ED is my fault, although we've never got to the bottom of why. DH seems to be able to do no wrong, despite me always doing the lion's share in parenting, particularly the mental load. DH and I are currently divorcing.

DD's latest screamed claim is that she will cut off all ties with me when she goes to university. She will only speak to DH and hopes he'll meet someone else so she can "Finally have a mother".

AIBU to be very scared about this, or is it likely to be just teenage rage?

She had never suffered anything near abuse or neglect, by the way

There is nothing you can do but be supportive of her.

And also try not to argue with her dad and hurry the divorce along asap.

You and him arguing will be affecting her much more than you both realise.

I second the PP who recommended writing a letter. If you want to save a relationship, it's time to stop trying to justify and be right. Thay hasn't worked to make her see your POV.

Tell her you love her, how sorry you are that things you have said and done have hurt her. That you want to be the kind of mum she needs and so you are going to therapy/doing a parenting course specifically for parents of people with ED. You are going to work on identifying any unconcious behaviours that might be hurtful. You will always be there for her when she needs you, and you are glad she has her dad there to look after her too. That she can reach out any time, and that you would love to call and check how she's doing at uni once a month if that would be OK.

I think you have to let her and hopefully she will calm down and come back

I suffered from an ED at a similar age. My mum had/still has an ED.

EDs completely change you, this is not your daughter speaking but rather her ED.

I genuinely suspect that part of the reason she is saying she will cut you off is it's her ED telling her that the less people she keeps close, the less people there are to try and intervene with her ED.

I really hope that she can get the help that she needs to recover. If she would be open to more counselling, do you have the means to fund it? One worry is that once she goes to uni, she will feel under less scrutiny and could be led deeper into the ED, so any opportunity for intervention now I genuinely believe could be really crucial. She does not sound in a healthy place to be moving away on her own, but sadly that isn't something you could stop her from choosing to do.

I am so sorry that your daughter and your family are suffering as the result of this cruel condition.

Please remember that this is her ED talking and not her.

Sending love ❤️

So just to be clear, you have never made any comments whatsoever saying or implying (even unintentionally) she is overweight or needs to watch her weight? You are saying she has literally imagined the whole thing?

I'm not saying there is nothing in what your daughter is saying, maybe she is trying to tell you something, but my daughter had anorexia and there were times she was so irrational I couldn't help thinking she'd gone psychotic. (I'm not exaggerating here, I'm comparing it to my experience with a friend who did have a psychotic episode.) You can't really have a genuine conversation with someone who is starving their brain. You need to put everything on pause until you have dealt with the ED, as she won't cope with all the challenges of university without.

Keep supporting her and loving her. Try to stay in her life whilst respecting her boundaries that’s all you can do. Let her know you are there if she needs you. Send gifts, invite her out, offer to come to see her but accept if she wants space.

im guess your her safe space where she can let this stuff out. She doesn’t do that with her dad because she doesn’t feel safe to.

hopefully at some point she will come back to you

What’s her bmi? Many university’s will have a minimum bmi before being being unfit to study.

My DD went to uni far from our home, with an ED, and we were worried sick. Fortunately, she settled in relatively quickly and well, and is now a capable woman in her 30s with a good job and a life full of positive things.

I didn’t know this so looked it up. BMI needs to be 17 (sometimes 16 but the most I looked up were 17).

She might not be well enough to go. Would she stay with you or go to your ex?

Do you have a link @Kepler22B ?

Search for fitness to study BMI and it comes up.
example https://www.queens.ox.ac.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Fitness-to-Study-Policy-2022.pdf

From student room: https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4627904

Thanks