AIBU to no longer want my MIL around me or my daughter?

[LostInLaws]

I need honest opinions about my family situation because I’m slowly reaching my emotional limit.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 1 year, and we have an almost 2-year-old daughter. I’m currently pregnant again (15 weeks).

The problem is his mother. Our relationship was always difficult, but since we became parents everything has escalated. She is very dominant, selfish, intrusive, doesn’t respect boundaries, and speaks badly about me (my husband confirmed this). She drinks alcohol regularly and often behaves disrespectfully.

She has always had a very dominant relationship with my husband too. Whenever he disagrees with her or tries to set boundaries, she makes him feel small. Because of this, he has extreme difficulty standing up to her or openly telling her how he feels. Honestly, I understand him to some extent, because even I sometimes feel afraid of this woman. She is emotionally very unpredictable and you never know how she will react.

At Christmas we hosted a family gathering at our home. My family cooked, served food, and cleaned up, while she sat there being served and later, after drinking, started making comments that we were ignoring her and that she didn’t feel welcome. After that evening I emotionally couldn’t do this anymore.

Since Christmas she hasn’t seen our daughter. Shortly after that she went abroad for 5 months and didn’t even come to say goodbye to her granddaughter. Later my husband told me she claimed that my family had been looking at her badly the whole evening.

My husband and I are now expecting our second child, but he still hasn’t told his mother about the pregnancy. Everyone else knows, even his father, but not her. Honestly, I think it’s because her reaction to my first pregnancy was bad. At the time we were both 28 years old and she said we were “too young” to have a child. She also used to say she never expected her son to have only one woman in his life and to “see the same vagina his whole life.” Yes, she really said that.

My husband now says that I’m right and accepts that I no longer want to see his mother. But I’m scared that will change once she comes back, because she is extremely persistent and has a very strong emotional influence over him.

My real problem is this: honestly, I don’t want to see her anymore at all, and deep down I also don’t want my daughter to have contact with her anymore. My daughter barely knows this woman, has no bond with her, and honestly doesn’t need her in my opinion. When my daughter was around 1 year old, she would immediately start crying whenever she saw her because my MIL did not respect her boundaries. She would grab her, kiss her, and hug her against her will. My daughter would become completely stiff and never stop looking at me, almost like she was searching for safety.

I truly feel like this woman causes more harm to our family than good. At the same time, I’m scared my marriage will break because of this situation and that my husband will completely fall apart between both sides.

Am I being unfair?
Can I reasonably ask that my daughter no longer sees this woman?
And how do you deal with a mother-in-law who refuses to respect boundaries?

Just remain no contact. All of you. DH included.

If your DH doesn't want to go NC with his mother and wants your DD to have some contact, you need a long chat with him about his mother's boundaries and how to behave in front of her.

After that it's a matter of trust - whether you can trust him to stick to whatever you two agree.

But essentially I don't think it would be right to rule with an iron fist and insist he doesn't allow contact at all with your (and his) DD.

Setting boundaries and removing people who don’t respect you and bring stress to your life is an example to set your daughter. You do need your husband’s support with this though.

You don’t want to be in a situation where she sees your mother in law when you’re not around to help her feel safe.

It’s a difficult situation. His relationship with his mother sounds difficult and it’s telling he hasn’t told her you’re expecting another child.

I was prepared to suggest compromise until I read this:

"...she never expected her son to have only one woman in his life and to “see the same vagina his whole life"

and this:

"...my MIL did not respect her (her granddaughter's) boundaries. She would grab her, kiss her, and hug her against her will. My daughter would become completely stiff and never stop looking at me, almost like she was searching for safety".

I am quite gobsmacked by both those statements, the woman is appalling. Everyone has their funny little ways but that is...well, I'm lost for words.

I'd phase her out as far as possible but am wondering what your husband thinks, does he think his mother is batshit/ doesn't respect boundaries, or does he accept it all as normal? I know you said, "My husband now says that I’m right and accepts that I no longer want to see his mother. But I’m scared that will change once she comes back, because she is extremely persistent and has a very strong emotional influence over him",
but will it last?

Set your boundaries and stick to them. She treats you like this because you let her.

Tell DH if he wants to see her, he can visit her, take your DD but have boundaries eg he needs to step in if he’s grabbing her. But you won’t be attending. And he’s not to keep coming back and telling tales to you about what she’s said about you. Who on earth does that benefit?

Drinks to excess and behaves disrespectfully alongside the litany of other awful characters? No, she wouldn’t be near my daughter

Thank you for your opinion and for taking the time to reply.

Thank you for your opinion and for taking the time to reply.

Thank you for your opinion and for taking the time to reply.

Thank you for your opinion and for taking the time to reply. What I wrote is of course only a short summary. I have been with my husband for 11 years and I have had to endure far too much during that time. I have now reached a point where I honestly don’t know where the future of my family is heading.

I truly hope that my husband will eventually find the strength to break out of this dynamic and be able to protect and defend us as his own family.

Thank you for your opinion and for taking the time to reply. Yes, I know. But because I love my husband, I often tried to forget these situations or downplay them.

And if your husband loves you, he will protect you and his child from this horrific sounding person

OP, I cannot imagine the sort of woman who would say the horrid things your MIL has said to you, and I can understand your wanting to withdraw from her and go NC. She is, however, your DH’s mother and your DC’s grandmother. Would it be possible for him to see her on his own if he wants to, and for him to take the DC for short visits? It’s not fair to ask your DH to cut himself off completely from his family if he doesn’t want to. I can completely understand that you would not be happy about the situation vis-a-vis the DC, but could you arrange, for example, for him to meet his DM somewhere like a park or soft play so that it’s not “ full on grandma”? He must know that his mother is upsetting both you and the DC - I think you need an honest conversation about boundaries and exactly what it is that she mustn’t do as far as the DC are concerned. And no, I wouldn’t get past the awful comments she’s made. So no, you are not unreasonable to cut her off yourself, but it’s not fair to deny your DC a relationship with their grandmother if their DF wants her to be able to see them, on terms agreed by you both in advance.

What a load of shite. It's not good for a child to be around someone who abuses one of their parents, regardless of if they share some genes or not.

For fucks sake, Rose West has got grandchildren. Should they be allowed to see her because, and I quote "She is, however, the DCs grandmother". I appreciate this is an extreme example but it illustrates the sheer worthlessness of your point.

She sounds like a horror!

It’s your last comment in the OP that speaks loudest to me. Is there a real risk your marriage could break over this if dh feels he has to let her see the dgc once she is home?

If he is so conflicted and torn, you need to be careful. Her influence over him might be extremely strong. My first partner couldn’t say no to his mum and it was about 50% of the reason I left him (before kids!).

Problem is, if your marriage fails over this issue, your dh is likely to have shared custody of the kids - at least the toddler right away - and you can bet dmil will have all the access she wants “on his time” and you literally can’t stop it.

your best bet honestly is to avoid putting your dh in a difficult situation. Ask him how he’d like to handle it - be constructive. Perhaps dh could take dmil and baby to the local play area or cafe rather than meeting up at home. She might be less obnoxious in public! And so on.

Exactly

this this this

Stay well away from his toxic mother. You owe her nothing let alone a relationship here.

Your DH is mired in fog (fear oblivious and guilt) and he needs therapy re his mother. At the ver least he should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. His inertia when it comes to her hurts him as much as you. He also needs to steer clear of her. She was not a good parent to him when he was growing up and she has not changed. She has taught him that she will be very upset at him if she gets upset and it’s down to him to keep her happy.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not unreasonable to want to set boundaries for yourself and your children. You definitely need to go NC. If your husband wants a relationship with her, then that’s up to him, but he goes to visit or calls. You and the children aren’t going until she learns to behave. You deserve to be respected. She sounds awful. Don’t worry about what she’s telling others - I guarantee they all know what she’s like and ignore what she says. Take care of yourself x

You are not being unfair. Protect yourself protect your daughter, surround yourself with people who love and appreciate and respect you x

You are not unreasonable she sounds a nightmare to deal with and her behaviour is quite unhinged. Remember that just because she is biologically related to your child it doesn't give her automatic rights to any kind of contact. Especially as she can't respect your child's boundaries. I say this as a parent who has no contact with my own mother, she tried to threaten me with "grandparents rights" thing is they don't really exist unless they can prove they have a significant relationship with the grandchildren-it actually doesn't sound like your MIL has any kind of relationship established with your daughter

How often do you have to see her ?

When my daughter was around 1 year old, she would immediately start crying whenever she saw her because my MIL did not respect her boundaries. She would grab her, kiss her, and hug her against her will. My daughter would become completely stiff and never stop looking at me, almost like she was searching for safety.

What did you and DH do when this happened?

How does this woman behave with other people in her life?

My mother in law was exactly the same. A real narcissist……everyone was scared of upsetting her and she spoiled all get togethers by drinking too much and saying hurtful things. It was an absolute nightmare. After 17 years of seeing my lovely husband being berated and bullied we went no contact. Hard at first cause we were made to feel so guilty but we stuck with it and life’s so much better without. It meant we missed out on certain get togethers but we’d see people at other times. Do it. You won’t regret it and you children will thank you for protecting them from such a nasty cruel person x