I need honest opinions about my family situation because I’m slowly reaching my emotional limit.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 1 year, and we have an almost 2-year-old daughter. I’m currently pregnant again (15 weeks).
The problem is his mother. Our relationship was always difficult, but since we became parents everything has escalated. She is very dominant, selfish, intrusive, doesn’t respect boundaries, and speaks badly about me (my husband confirmed this). She drinks alcohol regularly and often behaves disrespectfully.
She has always had a very dominant relationship with my husband too. Whenever he disagrees with her or tries to set boundaries, she makes him feel small. Because of this, he has extreme difficulty standing up to her or openly telling her how he feels. Honestly, I understand him to some extent, because even I sometimes feel afraid of this woman. She is emotionally very unpredictable and you never know how she will react.
At Christmas we hosted a family gathering at our home. My family cooked, served food, and cleaned up, while she sat there being served and later, after drinking, started making comments that we were ignoring her and that she didn’t feel welcome. After that evening I emotionally couldn’t do this anymore.
Since Christmas she hasn’t seen our daughter. Shortly after that she went abroad for 5 months and didn’t even come to say goodbye to her granddaughter. Later my husband told me she claimed that my family had been looking at her badly the whole evening.
My husband and I are now expecting our second child, but he still hasn’t told his mother about the pregnancy. Everyone else knows, even his father, but not her. Honestly, I think it’s because her reaction to my first pregnancy was bad. At the time we were both 28 years old and she said we were “too young” to have a child. She also used to say she never expected her son to have only one woman in his life and to “see the same vagina his whole life.” Yes, she really said that.
My husband now says that I’m right and accepts that I no longer want to see his mother. But I’m scared that will change once she comes back, because she is extremely persistent and has a very strong emotional influence over him.
My real problem is this: honestly, I don’t want to see her anymore at all, and deep down I also don’t want my daughter to have contact with her anymore. My daughter barely knows this woman, has no bond with her, and honestly doesn’t need her in my opinion. When my daughter was around 1 year old, she would immediately start crying whenever she saw her because my MIL did not respect her boundaries. She would grab her, kiss her, and hug her against her will. My daughter would become completely stiff and never stop looking at me, almost like she was searching for safety.
I truly feel like this woman causes more harm to our family than good. At the same time, I’m scared my marriage will break because of this situation and that my husband will completely fall apart between both sides.
Am I being unfair?
Can I reasonably ask that my daughter no longer sees this woman?
And how do you deal with a mother-in-law who refuses to respect boundaries?