AIBU to no longer want my MIL around me or my daughter?

[LostInLaws]

I need honest opinions about my family situation because I’m slowly reaching my emotional limit.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 1 year, and we have an almost 2-year-old daughter. I’m currently pregnant again (15 weeks).

The problem is his mother. Our relationship was always difficult, but since we became parents everything has escalated. She is very dominant, selfish, intrusive, doesn’t respect boundaries, and speaks badly about me (my husband confirmed this). She drinks alcohol regularly and often behaves disrespectfully.

She has always had a very dominant relationship with my husband too. Whenever he disagrees with her or tries to set boundaries, she makes him feel small. Because of this, he has extreme difficulty standing up to her or openly telling her how he feels. Honestly, I understand him to some extent, because even I sometimes feel afraid of this woman. She is emotionally very unpredictable and you never know how she will react.

At Christmas we hosted a family gathering at our home. My family cooked, served food, and cleaned up, while she sat there being served and later, after drinking, started making comments that we were ignoring her and that she didn’t feel welcome. After that evening I emotionally couldn’t do this anymore.

Since Christmas she hasn’t seen our daughter. Shortly after that she went abroad for 5 months and didn’t even come to say goodbye to her granddaughter. Later my husband told me she claimed that my family had been looking at her badly the whole evening.

My husband and I are now expecting our second child, but he still hasn’t told his mother about the pregnancy. Everyone else knows, even his father, but not her. Honestly, I think it’s because her reaction to my first pregnancy was bad. At the time we were both 28 years old and she said we were “too young” to have a child. She also used to say she never expected her son to have only one woman in his life and to “see the same vagina his whole life.” Yes, she really said that.

My husband now says that I’m right and accepts that I no longer want to see his mother. But I’m scared that will change once she comes back, because she is extremely persistent and has a very strong emotional influence over him.

My real problem is this: honestly, I don’t want to see her anymore at all, and deep down I also don’t want my daughter to have contact with her anymore. My daughter barely knows this woman, has no bond with her, and honestly doesn’t need her in my opinion. When my daughter was around 1 year old, she would immediately start crying whenever she saw her because my MIL did not respect her boundaries. She would grab her, kiss her, and hug her against her will. My daughter would become completely stiff and never stop looking at me, almost like she was searching for safety.

I truly feel like this woman causes more harm to our family than good. At the same time, I’m scared my marriage will break because of this situation and that my husband will completely fall apart between both sides.

Am I being unfair?
Can I reasonably ask that my daughter no longer sees this woman?
And how do you deal with a mother-in-law who refuses to respect boundaries?

You should go no contact, that much is clear. It would have been over for me the second she said that vagina comment.
Whether your children should have no contact is more complicated. I mean, they shouldn’t, because she disrespects your daughter’s boundaries and who knows what other mysogynistic filth she’ll spill when you’re not there? But if you aren’t having contact then it will be up to DH to keep his children safe and not allow to them to be exposed to her behaviour? Can you really trust him to do this?

OP. This is bigger than your husband. Your soon to be eldest was and is uncomfortable around her, as well as everyone else. For the sake of your children, go no contact with this woman.

You should have a nice big fight with her.

This
If I was you I’d issue DH an ultimatum
her or you - and if he chooses to maintain contact with this awful person then you’d know where his priorities lie.

I’d rather be on my own than tolerate this and you don’t need her in your life.

I’d say low contact rather than no contact. Cutting your dd off from her is a v big move and your dd could grow to resent it. Minimal contact.l

Not sure about the issue with her being overbearing with your 1 yo. That alone prob not terrible.

I'd go no contact myself but allow dh to visit her with dd (prob not too often so nothing much to worry about). She's his mother and making him choose is not something a relationship can generally sustain. He needs to come to the realisation that he doesn't want a relationship with her all on his own and not have his hand forced.

Reread the op and follow up posts about this woman

It's easy for strangers to go say "go NC".

And if your husbamd actually is GREAT. Grab it woth both hands... but often thry wax and wane and you are the villain that "made them cut off their mother" 🙄

I have a difficult similar DH / MIL dynamic.
It can break marriages if poorly handled.

The stress of the status quo not being maintained will cause HUGE turmoil for your husband and honestly you may end it divorce. Its hard to explain but its worth researching to understand his perspective.

My dh is no where close to cutting her off so here i am in limbo land.

Consider...
If you go NC and yoour DH goes round with the kids she can do what she likes and is rewarded for her arsehole behaviour.

Also....If you divorce she will have large blocks of potentially unsupervised access.

In my circs...
I maintain contact to supervise the children (as they get older it is less of an issue from a safety perspective)

I also now correct / stop her amd give zero fucks if she gets upset and just say "oh thats how parents do it these days..sorry not sorry you feel like that.

So when she brings 5 gifts for my DD and 1 for DS - that's a no. She is clearly told You have to treat them equally if you cant we wont allow any gifts. She gice some BS explanation i say yes yes... so if you bring unequal gifts again you'll have to take them back.

She also forces physical contact and dd isnt a hugger.
So I physically move between her and DD and say "DD knows she doesnt have to kiss anyone if she doesnt want she can wave blow kisses or hi-5. What do you want to do sweetie?"

I personally think if you want your marriage intact go low to ultra low contract .

Also want to call out something I am / have been guilty of....
Since Christmas she hasn’t seen our daughter. Shortly after that she went abroad for 5 months and didn’t even come to say goodbye to her granddaughter.
You literally dotn want to see her or have contact. Her not coming round is what you want but you are criticising her for it and still arent happy.... because your (valid) dislike is clouding your judgement.

It's hard but you need to keep your eye on the prize... your marriage and kids. Don't centre of her, centre on your marriage she is a peripheral annoyance.

It certainly would easy for me to go NC with someone….

She is very dominant, selfish, intrusive, doesn’t respect boundaries, and speaks badly about me (my husband confirmed this). She drinks alcohol regularly and often behaves disrespectfully.

and

She also used to say she never expected her son to have only one woman in his life and to “see the same vagina his whole life.”

and

When my daughter was around 1 year old, she would immediately start crying whenever she saw her because my MIL did not respect her boundaries. She would grab her, kiss her, and hug her against her will. My daughter would become completely stiff and never stop looking at me, almost like she was searching for safety.

I don't think that OP can or should stop her DH from seeing his mum if he wants to. Hopefully, he will at least reduce contact with her. However, OP should definitely put her daughter first and refuse to allow her MIL to see her due to her utterly toxic behaviour towards OP and her grandchild who appears to be scared of her grandmother who doesn't seem to have any boundaries at all.

and speaks badly about me (my husband confirmed this).

does he also confirm to you that he told his mother to zip it?

She’s vulgar. She got no filter. I couldn’t have her round my child not knowing what she might come out with. Sometimes we forfeit our “right” to things with our behaviour

Some people are mentally ill. Some people are complete dickheads. I think your mother in law maybe the latter. You have a child priorities her. End of.

And even if they are mentally ill and behaving like the OP described… i still would not have them around my child until I was confident they were receiving treatment and not liable to behave this like

You’re not being unfair for wanting boundaries what you’re describing is a repeated pattern of disrespect, boundary violations, and emotional pressure that affects both you and your child. As a parent, you do have the right to decide who your daughter is exposed to, especially if someone ignores her physical boundaries and creates distress. At the same time, a complete cutoff can become difficult to sustain in a marriage if your husband is not fully aligned, so in practice many couples start with strict, non-negotiable rules instead: no unsupervised contact, no physical contact unless the child initiates it, zero tolerance for disrespect, and visits ending immediately if boundaries are crossed with your husband responsible for enforcing this. The key issue isn’t really your mother-in-law, but whether your husband can consistently protect your family unit from her influence without wavering under pressure. If he can’t, then stronger distance becomes more justified over time, not as punishment, but as protection of emotional stability for you and the children.

Time for a chat with your husband.

I am NC with my MIL and our child has never met her and it’s doubtful they ever will. My husband is low contact with her and that is his choice, something I have never pushed for and let him come to his own conclusion on.

I have made it clear to him he can have whatever relationship he wants with her however that needs to be separate from me and his child as she isn’t safe to be around.

You don’t owe the woman anything because she’s his mother. We’ve had a little bit of blow back from extended family who’ve listened to her lies and make comments like “but she’s your mum”. However, none from his siblings because they too know what she’s like and are all low or no contact. You do need to be a united front on this though.

You are right of course. The reason I ask though is that some people treat their family like shit because they know they can get away with it. And are nice as ninepence with anyone else. These people are scum.

Why do people on MN normalise exposing a child to toxic family? It sounds like OP has put up with years of nonsense from this woman. Her husband needs to cut contact. The MIL has no entitlement to see her son or his family when she behaves in such a vile manner. OP you are absolutely right, protector your family and cut this woman off for good

Your responsibility is to your dc to keep toxicity from their lives. If that means no dgm then so be it.
I have seen mil since 2014..
Neither has dh.. And she hasn't seen dc since he was 3 months old. He is nearly 12. He isn't missing out not having her around.

If she stops drinking, you can consider having some contact. It sounds like she is at her worst when she has been drinking. No one should have to experience this abuse.

I always say in situations like this how would you feel when your the grandmother and not allowed to see grandchildren. You don't need to see her your hubby can and take kids with him . That's what we did with my mother in law

I mean a loving grandmother would not behave like this so she is hardly entitled to empathy. My MIL was horrid to me and i mean horrid, so i didnt do the whole “NC” thing. I just stopped visiting with my children, and guess what happened? She never sees them, does not call/ text visit desipte her only being 2 mins down the road, you know what she rather do than grow a back bone? She rather play victim, she rather tell her friends that im a “nasty one” after 10 years of carting my children down to the nasty witch. She rather say she “got so low she nearly took the whole bottle of pills” what a manipulative cow. Women like the y OP is describing are not decent humans. They are horrible, its all a show, manipulative words and no positive action. OP is 100% correct to stay away. OP its really hard at first, as a good person you will feel guilt and want to do the right thing for everyone, but this is a situation in that everyone is you and your daughter, stick to it and you will thrive

Would it be possible to arrange some family counselling? Anyone who made a comment like the vagina one needs help. And your husband does: before anyone makes the ;he's a man and should stand up to her' comments, if he was traumatised by her as a child, you can't blame him for his behaviour, but he should work with you to change things.
It might help her change. It might help your husband a lot. Even if it doesn't, you'll know you've done all you can, and even if you think there's a low chance of success, you might get things as you want them.

And I always say to ridiculous nonsensical posts like yours …. FGS read the thread @AhMh67

I assume that OP will do everything possible to have a good relationship with the partners of her children and won't be a rude and selfish arsehole like OP's MIL. OP's child is scared of her grandmother due to her behaviour so OP is doing the right thing to keep her daughter away from her.