Hoarder MIL living with us?!

[xxshirleyx]

Hi all,
been a silent lurker but now need advice or to be told ‘ you are being unreasonable’

We (partner and 3 children) own a lovely home and both wok hard and have a presentable home because of this.
In my partners culture they often bring their parents in with them, to give a multigenerational upbringing to their children. My MIL is lovely, can’t do any more for us and is the best you could wish for, however, we have built her a garden house (like a static caravan) and she is slowly wrecking it. She is a hoarder (always has been but we never visited her, she always done the visiting) and is making our home embarrassing. She leaves rubbish/food/dirt everywhere, parks her car whenever she likes rather than considerately often blocking us in or out and is just very very lazy so buys lots of food and items, never packs them away, then goes and buys more. Doesn’t sweep, lets food rot, you name it!

She doesn’t pay anything to contribute and has the family home she is renting out, although she is in her 70’s so managed by her children she receives the finances. Everytime we go in the garden, i’m met with rubbish and smells which wasn’t a problem before she moved in, making me now not want to go outside which inadvertently means she takes up ‘more’ space as it’s unused. I’m talking filled bin bags that haven’t found the big bin yet, but then get ripped and go everywhere.

if I had my way, she would move out. i’ve tried being nice and telling her to clean, DH has also although he is a people pleaser. She is a hoarder and genuinely see’s no wrong with how she lives.

YABU- it’s his mum and his culture, don’t argue try and live with it
YANBU- ifs your home she has moved into. She needs to live how you do….

Thanks

She’s a hoarder. She will not change unless there is motivation to do so. I’ve seen stories where hoarders destroyed their children’s homes.

you have to proceed from that, and you need to get your husband on side. Hoarding is a mental illness and requires therapy.

Make him choose its you or her, hoarding and zero financial contribution from her is unacceptable. Sounds like she has the finances to move out and live in her own house which she can fill with as much rubbish as she likes

You'll have an issue with rats soon. She needs to go. Sounds awful. Maybe she could stay with another of her children?

I don’t think she has to live as you do but I find that behaviour disgusting, that’s just way too grubby and you shouldn’t have to put up with it, and also she should be contributing financially, she should at least be paying for her own food and utilities . Time for a chat .

It's reasonable to ask her to leave if she'd rather do that than follow the rules; she has a safe and affordable place to go.

If she's staying, I'd make sure the rules and expectations are absolutely clear. For example, don't tell her to park considerately, give her a specific space and that is ALL she uses; move her car if she parks elsewhere.

If she's putting rubbish outside but not in the bins, why? I'm betting her space is tiny and she may just be putting it outside to clear space, but if she isn't putting it in the bins can your husband do it for her when needed? He might also offer to periodically clean her space if it's toxic and she can't clean it, or hire someone to come in and do it once a week. Professional help may be a good idea too - for the hoarding if that's what she's really doing (as distinct from just owning/buying more stuff than can fit in a tiny space) but also to find out why she's letting food rot and new possessions be ruined before they've even been used; that's not normal or healthy.

The fact that she hasn't offered to pay for anything seems like it might be cultural/traditional. In some cultures it would be inappropriate and insulting for her to offer or for her son to ask. Has she been asked to pay and refuses/doesn't do it? Does your husband expect her to pay/is he surprised she doesn't? If there's no agreement on what she pays either make one and enforce it or let it go (assuming you don't need the money).

That's vile. I assume it's not safe for DC to play outside losing their precious outside space. If my DH wanted to continue to live with MIL in those circumstances he'd be doing it without me.
I'm surprised the neighbours haven't complained and if you haven't got rats now, you soon will.

Why are you letting her leave bags of rubbish? I would definitely clear that away and at least take to the dump or ask her to take away.

What does your husband think about it? It is his mother at the end of the day.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, the only comment I have is on the YABU option - being a hoarder is not cultural. Plus to be fair from what you described she doesn’t sound like a hoarder so much, she sounds more lazy and dirty than hoarding stuff. Edited to add that this hopefully means it’s easier to address and tackle. Hoarding has a huge psychological component that’s incredibly hard to tackle, whereas being dirty and lazy is hopefully easier to snap out of.

Be blunt with her, not polite or people pleasing. Tell her she either cleans up or she has to go.

My lovely colleague has this! From his own mother. We chat about it lots as he’s driven to despair by her. Also from another culture and he says she grew up with very little so loves to spend and spend on all sorts of shit which is taking over his house and she keeps very weird hours so is cooking greasy food in the middle of the night and leaving it lying around in their living space and always falling asleep on sofa so kids can’t relax.
He says he’s eldest son so it’s his responsibility and he has no choice. I’m afraid he has been able to do nothing to make her change and it’s getting worse as she gets older. He is far more tolerant than I would be and I feel sorry for his wife.
At least you like her. Would it work if you said you’d seen rats so she absolutely must put ALL rubbish in a wheely bin or she’s threatening health?
You are in a difficult position as DIL. Do you discuss it with other family members? What would you do if you knew this would carry on for 20 years?

Not really the answer but you could put a little fence around her home and a rubbish bin to use until it goes in the main bin. But I think the only answer is to kick her out.

Also. You could insist that she has to pay for a cleaner twice a week as part of the 'deal'. She obviously has the money.

I would never have agreed to her moving in if she wasn’t contributing financially. I’m guessing she’s from an Asian culture (as am I but moving in with your eldest son hasn’t been a custom for a couple of decades). She can move back into the house she still owns.

Thankyou for all your kind replies!!
just to go back on a few bits, I have said about a cleaner, she says she doesn’t like them as they are intrusive…….. also with regards to moving the car. We have moved it for her at times as we will call her and say come and move and she says come and get the keys. We move it, however I feel its also enabling her, so I personally say no u need to move it but then im still sat waiting for 10 mins for her to do so. Partner will just get her keys and move. If I complain about her way of living she says its my house too and I say yes so we need to find a way to live together but she doesn’t budge

i agree, she is probably just lazy and dirty rather than hoarder. I’ve not been surrounded by this lifestyle before and I just saw dirty clutter as hoarder (making trying to give it a mental health disorder rather than she just can’t be bothered to clean) but you are right - she is just lazy.

i don’t want to live here with her, I have been with partner for over 30 years and he isn’t happy but won’t say anything to her, but i feel it’s either me put up with this and be embarrassed to invite people over etc or say goodbye to him which will also make me upset

Your DH is a people pleaser for everyone except you. However lovely your MIL is, it is absolutely unreasonable for him to expect that you just accept the filth and chaos that is the result of his mum's hoarding disorder.

If he doesn't want to ask her to leave, at the very least he needs to clean up the mess outside, take the bin bags to the tip and tell her off for parking so inconsiderately (that isn't a symptom of a hoarding disorder, it's just entitled and selfish).

You say that your MIL is lovely and couldn't do any more for you. What things does she actually do that make you so reluctant to absolutely put your foot down? Does she provide childcare that saves you lots of money? She would have to be absolutely amazing to offset all the massive disadvantages of providing a free home for her on your property.

The cultural expectation to provide a home for elderly parents surely doesn't mean that you have to put up with this level of disfunction in your MIL which is massively negatively impacting your life.

Sorry OP, I accidentally hit YABU, when I meant to say you are definitely NOT BU!

No Ifs and buts say you’re getting a cleaner. You need to lay down ground rules or else she moves back home. As pp said she’ll soon be attracting rodents. You don’t want that.

Yes, if she’s lazy and dirty then a cleaner will have to help. Though they don’t usually tidy, some do though.

It's a cleaner or her son does it. Today.

All rubbish either inside so you can't see it or in a bin.

Tell her where the car must be parked. When she parks in the wrong place correct her immediately you see. Send your DH to do this.

If she still has family home she moves out or agrees to your way of living.

Can her other DC give her a home?

This is ridiculous. Your DH needs to start pleasing his wife not other people.

Yep, completely agree as the only time we argue is actually about MIL not even our children or other marital issues! I do think she is entitled and using her culture as a ‘you have to’ approach, but I am a different culture so I wasn’t sure if I was being too inflexible etc.
i will have a talk with him later - i know it may sound unappreciative, but I don’t even want her house to be like this, so the idea of just clearing the communal area’s although would be better, her house is still going to be disgusting. Will talk to hubby and update!

She has to go. As others have mentioned, hoarding is a symptom of deeper mental issues.

I Don’t accept the cultural shtick as a valid reason for this. Uncleanliness is uncleanliness wherever a person is from.

And it’s easier in this case since she has a property and cash isn’t a huge issue. Your husband has to put his big boy pants on and tell it to her straight or your relationship is going to struggle.

I don't know of any culture where living in filth is acceptable. She's lazy and taking advantage. Why isn't she living in her own home? Your husband isn't a people pleasure, because he is only pleasing one person - his mother. You need to tell him that if she doesn't move out then you will.

I would give him an ultimatum. Absolutely no chance I would live like this.

First of all try some boundaries. Allocate her a parking space and ask her to use it. Get her children to insist that a percentage of her income is taken and spent on a cleaner. Try those steps before asking her to move.

It does sound intolerable for you. I would hate it. But before going to the nuclear option, id at least try those steps.

Your DH needs to clean up after her every day, hire someone from his fun budget not the family budget, or set rules with her. Not your job.

No culture has hoarding as a characteristic! Or being dirty! Yes I can see how maximalism for example which was fairly common until a few years ago in Balkan households could be leading to more dust at home for example - I’m Greek and the amount of picture frames, bric-à-brac, vases, mirrors, books, Christ you name it, in my household growing up was insane. Of course this made it impossible to keep the place spotless so more often than not it was dusty. But dusty is one thing, and piles of rubbish is quite another!! Equally again we used to cook/eat at silly times, which you could say was cultural, but then we cleaned up everything of course - as any adult would do.

I don’t know how comfortable you are with speaking directly to her but if your husband is no help in this, I’d 100% speak to her directly and bluntly. The whole thing sounds disgusting and frankly a health hazard, getting rats is almost a given with what you’re describing.

Be strong OP!