Hoarder MIL living with us?!

[xxshirleyx]

Hi all,
been a silent lurker but now need advice or to be told ‘ you are being unreasonable’

We (partner and 3 children) own a lovely home and both wok hard and have a presentable home because of this.
In my partners culture they often bring their parents in with them, to give a multigenerational upbringing to their children. My MIL is lovely, can’t do any more for us and is the best you could wish for, however, we have built her a garden house (like a static caravan) and she is slowly wrecking it. She is a hoarder (always has been but we never visited her, she always done the visiting) and is making our home embarrassing. She leaves rubbish/food/dirt everywhere, parks her car whenever she likes rather than considerately often blocking us in or out and is just very very lazy so buys lots of food and items, never packs them away, then goes and buys more. Doesn’t sweep, lets food rot, you name it!

She doesn’t pay anything to contribute and has the family home she is renting out, although she is in her 70’s so managed by her children she receives the finances. Everytime we go in the garden, i’m met with rubbish and smells which wasn’t a problem before she moved in, making me now not want to go outside which inadvertently means she takes up ‘more’ space as it’s unused. I’m talking filled bin bags that haven’t found the big bin yet, but then get ripped and go everywhere.

if I had my way, she would move out. i’ve tried being nice and telling her to clean, DH has also although he is a people pleaser. She is a hoarder and genuinely see’s no wrong with how she lives.

YABU- it’s his mum and his culture, don’t argue try and live with it
YANBU- ifs your home she has moved into. She needs to live how you do….

Thanks

i don’t want to live here with her, I have been with partner for over 30 years and he isn’t happy but won’t say anything to her, but i feel it’s either me put up with this and be embarrassed to invite people over etc or say goodbye to him which will also make me upset

Another husband who, under the guise of not liking confrontation, would rather upset his wife than his mother. Sadly I think your conclusion that it's her or you might not have the result you'd hope for.

Nothing to do with her culture. But from how you describe things it is a health and safety issue. And cannot continue. Sadly, the root of hoarding is often linked to trauma. And often loss. Or sometimes having experienced poverty.

I would have no hesitation in ensuring bin bags reached the bin promptly. None.

Talking bluntly will not likely have any impact except to cause distress.
She will need a mental health expert to help her. If you have the funds pay for someone who is well qualified at dealing with hoarding. The NHS has a guide on it apparently. And might steer you to qualified people who could help.

But what you can clear up, do. Good luck.

Huge generalisation. People from the same village can be incompatible if they come from different family cultures and you can have more affinity with someone from another country.

Goodness no. She may then move in the house!

Aye, right.

Is it legal to stick a caravan by your house and someone live there full time - I would say not or everyone in London would stick one on their drive and rent it out
Planning laws etc need to be checked

That’s a very sweeping statement @Feis123
Are you Irish in the UK ?

Surely the rent from her house would pay for a small flat or similar.or a nice villa in her own country

As someone above said. Get a regular cleaning team and make sure it is from her culture. There is a lot of status driven attitudes in Asian cultures. Use it to your advantage as she will not want to be seen in a bad light. Or arrange a party for her at her garden room.
if you get on very well with your neighbours get them to mention rats.

It is essential in the long term you get her moved out or you will be doing the carer stuff.

does she have relatives abroad that she could visit on an extended stay? Framed as a holiday?

The home she owns must have been clean in order for it to be rented out. Are you sure she is not showing signs of developing dementia, given her age? When my mum was in the early stages, before we knew what was wrong, she stopped cleaning, showering and washing her clothes, and we were horrified as she had always been so house proud. Can your husbands siblings shed any light on how she lived before moving in to your garden? It may be worth an appointment with a GP before you are expected to become her full time carer.

Can you hire a cleaner to go in once a week and give the place a scrub, throw out rotten food, put any rubbish she has laying around in her home into the outdoor bins?

Her culture does not trump your culture. Explain to your husband and her that she needs to meet you half way.

Thanks for all the replies - just want to clarify. She doesn’t live the way she does because of her culture, so to suggest not mixing cultures is ridiculous as I could be with someone of the same culture who has a family member who is a hoarder. It sounds like you (the poster who said not to mix) have made an preconceived ideas on the cultures involved and appears to have slight undertones to it…….

I have had the conversation with husband who has agreed to talk to mil. She has always lived different to us, but maybe unsure of the extent as she would tidy before we rarely came over - she visited us mostly.

also, to address the comment of the assumption that her living accommodation is illegal, there are many ways in which is can be legal, so let’s give advice on my question rather than claim i’m not a law abiding citizen otherwise everyone in london would do it 🙄

thanks for the replies to my question. I wanted to know if me telling her to leave (or me leaving!) because of her hoarderness/uncleanliness is an asshole move due to her culture. wanted to check I wasn’t looking at it from a selfish point of view

What's culture got to do with being dirty? I think you need to think carefully about that.

Stop twisting it. There's nothing at all unclear in OP's post.

Op, you can't let her use culture as an excuse for not keeping her home clean, you are going to have food rotting and going mouldy and maggoty, mice and rats among other issues if she's not keeping the place clean and hygienic..

It's not normal, was the home she lived in before she moved to live with you as bad ?...does she know how to keep a house clean because some people with messy homes, had parents that kept messy homes themselves and they just weren't taught how to manage it...

But don't let her take over , she's living in YOUR property, unless you want it destroyed and festering, you need to get control and clean it

The different cultural norms relate to inter-generational living when elderly parents move in with their adult children, not her MIL being a hoarder and not keeping her home clean.

You knew that really, but you just wanted to slyly accuse OP of being racist.

I really don't understand why "culture" comes into it!!! There are lazy people across all walks of life. Tell her to get her lazy arse shifting or she can ship out. Simple

The "culture" relates only to the intergenerational living aspect and the expectation that the son and daughter-in-law will have the mother come to live with them. Who just happens to have hoarding tendencies, which are unrelated to her culture. You (and several others) appear to have read something into the OP's post that was never there.

I’d store the wheelie bin straight outside her front door so she has less chance for bags to rip on the way! The way she’s stopping you using your outdoor space with the smell is horrible - I’d insist on that being sorted as minimum.

My comment re my colleague and his difficult mother was not at all suggesting that ‘other cultures’ tend towards hoarding and mess. Only the living with older parents part. I am white British and couldn’t stand to live with my Dad as he lives knee deep in dust and clutter!

The culture thing was completely irrelevant then. Plenty of people have older relatives living with them

Absolutely not. The culture relates to the weight of multigenerational living therefore, if I kick her out am I being an asshole - I could kick her out because I don’t like her, but this isn’t a good enough reason, however is the hosrder enough of a reasn for my DH to go against his culture. Is it really difficult

His mum of whatever culture is still his mum

Do your parents live with you? @Flamingojune