Hoarder MIL living with us?!

[xxshirleyx]

Hi all,
been a silent lurker but now need advice or to be told ‘ you are being unreasonable’

We (partner and 3 children) own a lovely home and both wok hard and have a presentable home because of this.
In my partners culture they often bring their parents in with them, to give a multigenerational upbringing to their children. My MIL is lovely, can’t do any more for us and is the best you could wish for, however, we have built her a garden house (like a static caravan) and she is slowly wrecking it. She is a hoarder (always has been but we never visited her, she always done the visiting) and is making our home embarrassing. She leaves rubbish/food/dirt everywhere, parks her car whenever she likes rather than considerately often blocking us in or out and is just very very lazy so buys lots of food and items, never packs them away, then goes and buys more. Doesn’t sweep, lets food rot, you name it!

She doesn’t pay anything to contribute and has the family home she is renting out, although she is in her 70’s so managed by her children she receives the finances. Everytime we go in the garden, i’m met with rubbish and smells which wasn’t a problem before she moved in, making me now not want to go outside which inadvertently means she takes up ‘more’ space as it’s unused. I’m talking filled bin bags that haven’t found the big bin yet, but then get ripped and go everywhere.

if I had my way, she would move out. i’ve tried being nice and telling her to clean, DH has also although he is a people pleaser. She is a hoarder and genuinely see’s no wrong with how she lives.

YABU- it’s his mum and his culture, don’t argue try and live with it
YANBU- ifs your home she has moved into. She needs to live how you do….

Thanks

I could not live with this, and I am hardly housekeeper of the century.

I'd have to give DH an ultimatum here. It gets cleared up for good or MIL goes back home to live. She shouldn't be making you live in a health hazard with rubbish strewn around. That is just utterly unacceptable no matter what culture anyone is from.

Your DH is a people pleaser, but he isn't trying very hard to please you and help make your family living conditions pleasant and comfortable. Tell him that and say that things have to change or you will reluctantly have to consider living elsewhere from him and his mother.

Your culture matters too. You could possibly rub along with MIL if she made a reasonable effort to be clean, tidy and considerate but she is doing none of that and sees no problem with her behaviour. She'd be going back to her own house if it were up to me.

Who do you think will be expected to provide personal care when she gets frail - DH or you? He's made it clear who comes first in his family. You're getting a clear message on where your life is headed if you let this go on.

In the meantime, maybe not giving the keys back for a couple of days every time you've had to move the car will improve her memory vis-a-vis considerate parking.

I think if she’s going to stay she has to accept a regular - At least a couple of times a week - cleaning company coming in and keeping things ship shape. Starting with a deep clean done by a company who will also take away the rubbish to get things back to the starting point.

This should all be paid for by the proceeds of renting out her bigger house.

My MIL is also a hoarder and not particularly hygienic. She had to stay with us for 5 weeks over Xmas as she had pneumonia, this temporary put a stop to her collecting more crap, and it is crap. She has a penchant for curtains 🤦‍♀️

As soon as she returned home she was at it again, mainly charity shops, it’s piled up everywhere. I arranged a care package for her return home, free for 5 weeks. She sacked them after 5 days, she expected 5 star service, a bit like she received with us, bed, breakfast and evening meals. They were a re enabling team and not there to wipe her arse. She complained that they didn’t vacuum, they couldn’t due to all the crap everywhere.

She really annoyed me by doing this, I have ex communicated her, such a selfish woman. She expects everything from her 4 children, yet when she divorced all 4 children told the judge they wanted to live with their dad, their ages were 8,7,6 and 4. They were awarded to their dad and she buggered off to Canada for years, paid no childcare, then came back to the UK and expected too much. I have never encountered such a cruel person, she has a viscous tongue, absolutely bloody evil, thank gawd she didn’t get custody. My husband is 62 and the relationship is very strained. I really feel for you, it’s sole destroying having someone with these attitudes on your property, they just don’t get it, 🤷‍♀️

You need to pull rank. She needs to go. It's her, or you split up and everything gets divided.

She is lazy and filthy and now your home snd that of your childrens is impacted. Weak men are so unattractive. Make this a deal breaker. She doesn't get the right to destroy your home with her dirty habits.
Tell him to sort it out or you will. A good husband and father wouldn't tolerate this. Why is your husband allowing this filth? Why isn't he cleaning up after her?
Good question about her future care? Will that be you? We teach people how to treat us. You are so silly to tolerate tjis.

She’s living in your home.

She can either keep it clean or go back to her own house.

Are you married? You mention both your partner and DH. Is your home a joint marital asset?

It doesn’t sound as though she is physically dependent on you, so there is no real need for her to live with you.

Frankly, I would be insisting that DH and I go into the garden house every single day, chuck out all the rubbish, mouldy food etc, and bleach the entire house. If she doesn’t like the intrusion, keep it clean or move out . Iwouldn’t be putting my kids’ health at risk in a vermin-infested household to pander to a lazy relative.

It’s not her home as she contributes nothing, why has this set up come about when she has her own home and seems independent, you’ll end up a carer.
Your DH needs to have a serious talk with her to shape up or leave.

Excellent points. Great idea about keeping hold of the car keys.

What culture is she from that is acceptable to wreck your children’s house!?

Employ a cleaner from her 'culture'

Noone should have to put up with filth and clutter, I would literally scream there's a massive rat, it's all this crap, then proceed to grab everything and put it on the drive, take to skip and tell them in no uncertain terms, I'm not living in filth, your DH should stand by you, if he doesn't he needs to join the trash,

YANBU, and I hope your talk goes well. By the time someone's in their 70s, their habits are so deeply ingrained. Changing several decades of behaviour isn't easy, especially when someone doesn't actually want to change.

The middle ground would be to allow her to stay, but insist on a cleaner, but she's so stubborn and contrary that she'll probably make it difficult every step of the way—and of course it won't address the parking or any other non-mess-related issues. She doesn't respect you and your husband enough for this set-up of her living with you to work.

I don’t think her contributing financially is the issue - as firstly is any amount of money worth this situation? Secondly if she pays anything for her keep that may make her lazier.

I wonder if her cultural expectations include being a matriarch on a throne while DIL skivvies about? She may have an expectation that you run about clearing up behind her.

Whether or not it’s an “eldest son” thing, I would encourage her to spread the love and stay with another child. I doubt she will change no matter how many games you play with car keys (and who wants to live with all that battling and game playing in their own home). Your DH needs to lay down the law with her leaving as a direct consequence. If he can’t (ie won’t) then you can only make it clear that it’s MIL or you.

@ginasevern I don’t think OP is saying it’s her MIL’s culture that makes her a messy hoarder. The cultural aspect relates to her living with them. It’s normal in many cultures for 3 or 4 generations to live together, and for adult children to have their parents living with them. OP doesn’t have a problem with this. The hoarding, mess and inconsiderate behaviour is the issue. But because of the cultural expectations, she doesn’t feel she can say “you have to move out”, despite her very unreasonable behaviour.

Under those circumstances, i’d be delivering an ultimatum to my husband and i’d mean it.

A friend of mine had similar MIL issues where her husband’s answer was always a wishy washy ‘i don’t want to upset her’, ‘she’s getting old, we have to respect her’, and ‘be kind. She’s my mum’.

For a London born and bred Muslim, it was very hard for her to navigate.
She was very unhappy, bless her. I hated seeing her like that.

Hopefully for you the garden room is an illegal structure. Report it to the planning team at your local council.

I think DH needs to speak up and for you both to show a united front on boundaries. I'd also be concerned that this is role modeling that son/daughter in laws have to tolerate what sounds like really inconsiderate behaviours from parents which is not probably what you wish for your childrens future.

That would be a hard no from me to her living there. If DH didn’t agree he’d be gone to because I couldn’t stand that.

If she is not contributing financially then she doesn’t get a say in the cleaner. It’s for your house, not her caravan.
If she absolutely has to stay (which I wouldn’t be happy about) then I would get a bigger caravan with fridge and cooking area so she can keep her mess to herself. But ideally she would go back to her house or a flat using the rent from her house

Same @FlapperFlamingo

It’s genuinely intolerable, and i also wouldn’t subject my children to it.

She has got to go - surprised you’ve put up with it for so long. I wouldn’t want anyone (not even my mum but especially not MIL) living so close.
Get the problem sorted and fast!

Never marry across nationalities - even an Italian Swiss + German Swiss would be a disaster. Period.

Bluntly, you need to get your DH out there dealing with it, every single day and he needs to be the one to tell his mother that the behaviour is not acceptable in your space.

Its unlikely she will change so he needs to sufficiently motivated to get rid of her.