Trying for the last baby but perfect job has come up

[Choicesgalore]

DH and I decided in March to give a last horrah on trying for our final baby, which would be DC3. Current kids are 5 and 3, but we are getting older (me lateish 30s/DH v early 40s). We’ve talked about it for so long and probably would have started trying last year but due to various work and wider family related stresses weren’t ready until March.

We’ve put a hard deadline on trying that we won’t go past the end of this summer as (for us) the age gap would be too big - DC1 would be starting year 7 when potential DC3 starts reception and that’s just drawing it out a bit too much for us.

I had an early MC at just shy of 6 weeks at the start of this month and it really reinforced how much we both want this last child.

However… the fly in the ointment. My dream job was advertised on Monday. DH and I both work in roles that rarely exist outside London, we live in the Home Counties with a 3h round commute to the City. We manage at the moment by doing opposite office and WFH days (and I’m 80% FTE) but it’s a constant juggle. This role is perfect for me and it’s the only employer locally who realistically will ever be able to offer this sort of role due to size - it’s a 7 min drive from home and a 4 min drive from the kids’ school, so I could literally be in the office and still get to do after school club pick up and start of school drop off. I’ve been waiting for something like this to come up with them for ages - from everything I’ve heard, they’re a really good employer.

I sent over an application (tbh, I’ve had one ready to go for years when the role comes up) and today they’ve asked me to interview.

What do I do? There’s no way I can have another baby on statutory mat pay - I’m in a senior role and it doesn’t start to cover our outgoings, even with cutting back. Savings took a hit with 2 in nursery and it’d be really financially irresponsible (would consume our rainy day fund and even that’s not what it was after last year’s events).

Equally I don’t want to bring my bridges with this employer. But I know if we don’t have a 3rd purely because of a job I’ll feel hollow… if it doesn’t happen because it doesn’t happen that’s fine, but as much as I love my career I’m not a person who wouldn’t have a wanted baby because of it.

I’d love to hear thoughts… my current frame of mind is:

• keep going with TTC
• keep going with interview process
• if I don’t get pregnant and don’t get the job, nothings changed
• if I do get pregnant and don’t get the job, fine, I’ve got a great package at my current place and reassess after mat leave (I do like my current job, it’s just that the local one would be perfect)
• if I don’t get pregnant and do get the job, ok, we take that as our ‘sign’ and stop trying

My big thing is, what if I got the job and was early days pregnant? I could theoretically tell them in confidence and see if they’d let me have an enhanced mat leave package - I really can’t imagine they would but if they really wanted me, then maybe? Equally, if I then turned down the job because of mat leave finances at least I wouldn’t (hopefully) be closing the door with them - as they’d understand it was just awful timing - and could maybe look at a role with them in the future after DC3.

Any advice welcome, I know it’s a lot of hypotheticals but I’m suddenly stressing about how to make these things align (if that’s even possible). It’s not just any job, I do really want it for the role on its own, but also the local aspect would be amazing for our lifestyle and our kids. But equally I don’t think I’m hard nosed enough to stop trying for a wanted baby just because a great job has come up. ARGH.

I keep shuttling between
“maybe we stop trying and I push for the job? But I really want DC3 and it’s just a first round interview.”

”maybe sack the job interview off and focus on trying? But we might not get pregnant again so why close that door?”

”just keep going on with both? But that’s going to cause such a drama if both come through”

Ugh. Anyway. Thoughts welcome. I’m sick of running this past ChatGPT (apparently I’m brave and wonderful for assessing my life like this 😂🫠)

Honestly, I would focus on your family and trying for a baby if you know that's what you truly want. Maternity and a new job can be tricky, the laws are there in principle but companies always find ways around things and you are left very vulnerable in a job you haven't been in long.

Have the baby, have the baby.

as a mum of 3

Couple of things to add -

lots of my friends with 3 kids say it really ramps up the intensity of parenting. A bigger jump that from 1 to 2.

i think if you’re planning a 3rd, then the new role with no commute is necessary.

i have a DC with SEN and I don’t think I could work in my pretty full on role without the fact my seniority allows me flexibility and I have a very short commute. And DCs school is close to both work and home.

You won't get enhanced maternity package if you had not already started the job before you were pregnant, it is driven by legislation and even the best employers don't flex this.

However.. this sounds like a great job for you and your family. Switching wfh days between you and your partner sounds like it works but you are all stretched.. you will all be stretched in more directions with a third child . think about whether a third child would stretch you all a bit too thinly in your current roles.. you could end up having to cut back your hours and leave you more stretched... maybe keep going with the job application, (is it more pay.. could you afford a nanny).. this job could be the piece of the jigsaw that makes family life more smooth.... be wary of doing all drop off and pick ups though... keep the family load shared between you and your partner.. it is amazing how quickly that balance can shift and become impossible to regain, even for the most well intentioned partners.. life is about compromise, making good decisions and then making the best of those decisions.. step boldly... go for the job.. start it.. and then see how you feel..

1950 called - it wants its misogynistic attitudes back

Wait a month to ttc see if you get the job

Thanks all for the thoughts.

To answer a couple of points:

• we do have decent savings but not the equivalent of my salary six months post tax which is what current job offers. Affordability of DC3 not too much of a concern as for a while 40% of household income (ie almost all my salary) went on two in nursery without free hours, and (shy of twins) DC3 childcare would be easily managed. It’s a good point though, we could probably get by on stat mat if it came to it, it would just be tight
• my desire for DC3: I would dearly love one more as would DH but no, I don’t want to go past a certain point and I have to draw the line somewhere, which is oldest DC in secondary. I got very over-engaged/obsessive* about TTC first time and I need to have some boundaries in place, particularly since this time it’s not ‘will I be a mum’ - I have to factor in the two existing children who are my world (obviously!)
• points around, what if DC3 was disabled or twins, all stuff we discussed before starting to try and we had got comfortable with so I’m putting that aside - this isn’t a ‘DC3 - go/no go’ chat. What it does make me think about is how in those discussions we said we can - albeit frugally - live on one salary based on the last few years, so maybe we could deal with stat mat pay even if tight
• Everything everyone is saying about the job and how the flex is invaluable makes total sense and is where I am mentally too. If it was a ‘definite job offer v hypothetical third’ I’d probably (with wistfulness) pick the job - it’s just that all are hypothetical right now. Equally if I was already pregnant (ie if the miscarriage hadn’t happened) I wouldn’t have applied for the job in the first place, I just don’t want to burn my bridges with this company as I’d love to work for them - not just for the locality but because they seem great and it’s a brilliant role
• DH is on contract roles so shared parental is a tricky one to look at (albeit not impossible). He did 6m with DC2 between roles (I went back when DC was 7m) and it was amazing. We’re really very 50/50 (both salary and household graft wise) which is why it feels like a harder call.

It just feels at the moment that I’m at a bit of a crossroads - new job and 2DC, staying where I am and 3DC, both or neither. All will define what our family looks like and I’m not in control of any factors right now which is not my happy place 😂

I’m inclined to crack on with all avenues and see what happens (which seems to be a small consensus on here) but I am not willing to risk being pregnant and having any regrets, so trying to tease out my thoughts before we start trying again post MC.

If I hadn’t seen this job come up we’d be happily ploughing on with TTC, so it’s just thrown me a bit. DH is being fantastic about it, after the MC I was like ‘I need to be pregnant again asap’ but he also realises the potential new job - which I haven’t even interviewed for yet 🙈 - would be brilliant for all of us.

Don’t get me wrong I love being in a 50/50 relationship but if I was the majority parent or the majority breadwinner this would make the decision so much clearer!!

*fully accept I may have just transferred my obsessiveness to a different question this time. I am nothing if not self aware 🙈

I think pushing on with ttc and the job is the best option. Good luck on both fronts and let us know how you get on

100 % go for the job. That has massive benefits for the whole existing family.

Also, you need to consider that if you can't afford a mat leave, can you really afford a third child? That's what stood out as your reason for not going for it. You couldn't afford a statutory leave. If that's the case, you maybe need to think about the cost of a third child a little bit more. However, if you can, then I say go for both.

Which situation benefits the two children you already have the most? The answer to that is the avenue I’d be going down!