Trying for the last baby but perfect job has come up

[Choicesgalore]

DH and I decided in March to give a last horrah on trying for our final baby, which would be DC3. Current kids are 5 and 3, but we are getting older (me lateish 30s/DH v early 40s). We’ve talked about it for so long and probably would have started trying last year but due to various work and wider family related stresses weren’t ready until March.

We’ve put a hard deadline on trying that we won’t go past the end of this summer as (for us) the age gap would be too big - DC1 would be starting year 7 when potential DC3 starts reception and that’s just drawing it out a bit too much for us.

I had an early MC at just shy of 6 weeks at the start of this month and it really reinforced how much we both want this last child.

However… the fly in the ointment. My dream job was advertised on Monday. DH and I both work in roles that rarely exist outside London, we live in the Home Counties with a 3h round commute to the City. We manage at the moment by doing opposite office and WFH days (and I’m 80% FTE) but it’s a constant juggle. This role is perfect for me and it’s the only employer locally who realistically will ever be able to offer this sort of role due to size - it’s a 7 min drive from home and a 4 min drive from the kids’ school, so I could literally be in the office and still get to do after school club pick up and start of school drop off. I’ve been waiting for something like this to come up with them for ages - from everything I’ve heard, they’re a really good employer.

I sent over an application (tbh, I’ve had one ready to go for years when the role comes up) and today they’ve asked me to interview.

What do I do? There’s no way I can have another baby on statutory mat pay - I’m in a senior role and it doesn’t start to cover our outgoings, even with cutting back. Savings took a hit with 2 in nursery and it’d be really financially irresponsible (would consume our rainy day fund and even that’s not what it was after last year’s events).

Equally I don’t want to bring my bridges with this employer. But I know if we don’t have a 3rd purely because of a job I’ll feel hollow… if it doesn’t happen because it doesn’t happen that’s fine, but as much as I love my career I’m not a person who wouldn’t have a wanted baby because of it.

I’d love to hear thoughts… my current frame of mind is:

• keep going with TTC
• keep going with interview process
• if I don’t get pregnant and don’t get the job, nothings changed
• if I do get pregnant and don’t get the job, fine, I’ve got a great package at my current place and reassess after mat leave (I do like my current job, it’s just that the local one would be perfect)
• if I don’t get pregnant and do get the job, ok, we take that as our ‘sign’ and stop trying

My big thing is, what if I got the job and was early days pregnant? I could theoretically tell them in confidence and see if they’d let me have an enhanced mat leave package - I really can’t imagine they would but if they really wanted me, then maybe? Equally, if I then turned down the job because of mat leave finances at least I wouldn’t (hopefully) be closing the door with them - as they’d understand it was just awful timing - and could maybe look at a role with them in the future after DC3.

Any advice welcome, I know it’s a lot of hypotheticals but I’m suddenly stressing about how to make these things align (if that’s even possible). It’s not just any job, I do really want it for the role on its own, but also the local aspect would be amazing for our lifestyle and our kids. But equally I don’t think I’m hard nosed enough to stop trying for a wanted baby just because a great job has come up. ARGH.

I keep shuttling between
“maybe we stop trying and I push for the job? But I really want DC3 and it’s just a first round interview.”

”maybe sack the job interview off and focus on trying? But we might not get pregnant again so why close that door?”

”just keep going on with both? But that’s going to cause such a drama if both come through”

Ugh. Anyway. Thoughts welcome. I’m sick of running this past ChatGPT (apparently I’m brave and wonderful for assessing my life like this 😂🫠)

I have a similar age gap to what you're aiming for with three years between each kid. However my eldest is a summer baby so started school just after he turned 4 and my youngest is an autumn baby so will be almost 5 before he starts. It means I'll never have all three in the same school as the eldest will start secondary as the youngest starts reception.

If I was in your position I think I'd keep going for both baby and job, no harm asking about enhanced mat pay. If they say no, could you "cope" on statutory pay? Think long term - could a couple of years of cutting back mean your future contains both your ideal job and three children?

Go for the job and if you're pregnant, find a way to cope, and if not then I'd either keep trying or consider taking a break from trying briefly and accept a longer age gap. One solution is absolutely to take a shorter maternity leave and split it with your husband - most professional roles nowadays will have a decent paternity leave policy so it could be more financially sensible.

If you cannot afford the maternity leave, can you actually afford another baby full stop? I’d work and have more money for the dc you do have. You’ll find holidays cheaper! Three dc is a luxury now.

I agree with this too. Your work/life balance will be much better if you get this job and putting kids through uni for 9 years at least when you are mid-50s-early 60s is not something I would want to do unless I was wealthy.

I went for the job and the baby. Got the job and the baby. Money was fine and replaceable.

Simplistic, I know, but it is possible. I was 4m pregnant when I started, but it didn't stop me making a fantastic impression.

You say you have a stop trying deadline so you can't really, really want a 3rd if you are willing to stop trying in a few months.
I would go for the job. If you get it, it would change your existing DCs lives and yours completely and if you did have a 3rd would mean less juggling.
If you get the job, it might make it easier to extend the baby window, or it might just make life easier.
Not everything has to be done to a rigid timescale. I'm sorry about your miscarriage, I know how upsetting that is.

Maybe your line will be "stop trying to conceive after I am offered my dream job"

I think you would be nuts to not at least for for the job interview

Go for both and do shared parental leave.

what about DH's paternity leave, does his employer offer a good package?

One step at a time, see how the interview goes first. Good luck!

The best advice I didn’t take (and regret in hindsight) is never take a career decision over a hypothetical child.

There's the answer. Work life balance.

For me, this is it. I would have to think about my current kids. Having a third child definitely isnt for them. They already have a sibling. A third child will also mean less finances to split between them all even if you are well financed, just as a matter of logic. And luck can always change on the job and finance front. In terms of their quality of life, you having a local job would obviously improve it (and your own quality of life to be fair).

I would have to make the decision based on my existing kids.

I also think you have such a tight window for conception anyway, on your own rules, that there is a realistic prospect that it will not happen and then you could've missed out on this chance to improve all of your lives. I appreciate I say this as someone who went through IVF and still find it wild that people can plan children in a tight lifestyle fitting window. For me, if you really did so desperately want a third you'd just keep going for longer irrespective of the age gap which is what then tells me that you actually could live without having a third/it wouldn't be devastating (though would of course be upsetting) such that its worth going for the job. It isnt the same as choosing a job over having a child at all. If you still desperately wanted a third, you could still try after and just accept the age gap would be a bit bigger if it happened.

So in your shoes I would stop TTC and concentrate on securing the job. If I didnt get it, Id pick back up TTC for a limited period but with a slightly later deadline. If I did get it, I would reassess just how desperately I really wanted a third and if I desperately did, plan it in for a bit later (if it happened as you cannot really plan children for tight timelines because it is luck).

There is also another route depending on how desperately you want both. You could carry on with both processes anyway and take the view that if both succeed then you will tighten your belts to save hard before your leave and perhaps also go back to work earlier/increase your work above an 80% of full time pattern given you would then be closer to home so probably viable. Absolute worst case I would remortgage to free up some money. People do it to remodel their home so why not to fund a much wanted baby and lifestyle change with the new job? It is an investment too.

Ultimately it boils down to how much you want a third over improving what you already have. For me, we had IVF and then a natural conception. I would've wanted 4 ideally and we strictly speaking have the finances to, but after having 2 and fulfilling my wish for them to have siblings I did think it would be better for them to have more of my time 1:1 and more finances for clubs and uni help and all of that so actually didnt continue on. I also felt it would be better for my career (which in turn helps them) to not continue on because even though I took shorter maternities it would take a while to recover in my industry from 4 maternity leaves plus I'd be knackered.

I should also add that you should also think of the other challenges a third could bring which people often do not think about (to be fair when adding any number of children). You do not know thay your third will be absent additional needs. You do not know that they will get on with the other two. I've seen people go for an extra child and it throw their family balance completely just as much as I've seen it succeed hugely. What I'm saying is people often focus on the fantasy idea and not the potential reality. I know people who have had another child and they have needed to care for them full time and then the whole job goes out of the window not just the local versus commute. I know people who have just realised after having more than they cannot cope with the additional pressure. You don't know until you have another that is the issue. So while it could be amazing, just make sure you're also factoring into your decision making the potential that a third could add a stressor to your current dynamic too

I’d pause TTC until you know the outcome of the job. The market is difficult and hugely competitive right now so unless you think it’s so niche you’re the only one qualified in the area to get it, there’s every chance you’ll be rejected. Pausing TTC for a couple of months won’t do any harm. The arbitrary “end of the summer” is a bit silly, the age gap between DC is totally fine and normal.

My mentor at work told me that every time I’m wondering if I should do something because of the kids/pregnancy/caring responsibilities etc I should ask myself “would a man do this?” Or “would a man worry about this?” Great advice.

Definitely keep going with both.

Another thought is, what would you do if either one or both of your current employers decided you now have to be in the office 4 or 5 days a week? This is happening more and more so having a local job is invaluable.

Since you haven’t got the new job yet I’d carry on with trying to do both. If you get the new job and enjoy it then perhaps reconsider the new baby at that stage.

Realistically, you’d probably manage ok on SMP if you really had to. If it pushed family income too low there would be UC as back up. Money is money but children are family at the end of the day and be with you for life. If you both really want another then you’d make it work.

You know you don't have to stay home for a year, right? I went back to.work at 4 months and 6 months with my sons. Breastfed and pumped, it was hard but career and finances intact.

I can’t get my head round people heading into the lovely primary school years then going back to the beginning with a third. Why?!?

I struggle with this too. And the affect on the family might be overwhelming

There will be strong competition for the job.

focusing on this stuff could distract you anr reduce your chances. Put all your energy into doing your best to get the job. Don’t stop ttc in the meantime.

I wanted three DC but didn’t for fertility reasons, from the start and throughout DCs’ childhood I have it difficult to work full time with two DC, with the teen years the hardest in that regard.

Also agree with PPs that if mat pay is a big factor would question affordability of DC3.