Trying for the last baby but perfect job has come up

[Choicesgalore]

DH and I decided in March to give a last horrah on trying for our final baby, which would be DC3. Current kids are 5 and 3, but we are getting older (me lateish 30s/DH v early 40s). We’ve talked about it for so long and probably would have started trying last year but due to various work and wider family related stresses weren’t ready until March.

We’ve put a hard deadline on trying that we won’t go past the end of this summer as (for us) the age gap would be too big - DC1 would be starting year 7 when potential DC3 starts reception and that’s just drawing it out a bit too much for us.

I had an early MC at just shy of 6 weeks at the start of this month and it really reinforced how much we both want this last child.

However… the fly in the ointment. My dream job was advertised on Monday. DH and I both work in roles that rarely exist outside London, we live in the Home Counties with a 3h round commute to the City. We manage at the moment by doing opposite office and WFH days (and I’m 80% FTE) but it’s a constant juggle. This role is perfect for me and it’s the only employer locally who realistically will ever be able to offer this sort of role due to size - it’s a 7 min drive from home and a 4 min drive from the kids’ school, so I could literally be in the office and still get to do after school club pick up and start of school drop off. I’ve been waiting for something like this to come up with them for ages - from everything I’ve heard, they’re a really good employer.

I sent over an application (tbh, I’ve had one ready to go for years when the role comes up) and today they’ve asked me to interview.

What do I do? There’s no way I can have another baby on statutory mat pay - I’m in a senior role and it doesn’t start to cover our outgoings, even with cutting back. Savings took a hit with 2 in nursery and it’d be really financially irresponsible (would consume our rainy day fund and even that’s not what it was after last year’s events).

Equally I don’t want to bring my bridges with this employer. But I know if we don’t have a 3rd purely because of a job I’ll feel hollow… if it doesn’t happen because it doesn’t happen that’s fine, but as much as I love my career I’m not a person who wouldn’t have a wanted baby because of it.

I’d love to hear thoughts… my current frame of mind is:

• keep going with TTC
• keep going with interview process
• if I don’t get pregnant and don’t get the job, nothings changed
• if I do get pregnant and don’t get the job, fine, I’ve got a great package at my current place and reassess after mat leave (I do like my current job, it’s just that the local one would be perfect)
• if I don’t get pregnant and do get the job, ok, we take that as our ‘sign’ and stop trying

My big thing is, what if I got the job and was early days pregnant? I could theoretically tell them in confidence and see if they’d let me have an enhanced mat leave package - I really can’t imagine they would but if they really wanted me, then maybe? Equally, if I then turned down the job because of mat leave finances at least I wouldn’t (hopefully) be closing the door with them - as they’d understand it was just awful timing - and could maybe look at a role with them in the future after DC3.

Any advice welcome, I know it’s a lot of hypotheticals but I’m suddenly stressing about how to make these things align (if that’s even possible). It’s not just any job, I do really want it for the role on its own, but also the local aspect would be amazing for our lifestyle and our kids. But equally I don’t think I’m hard nosed enough to stop trying for a wanted baby just because a great job has come up. ARGH.

I keep shuttling between
“maybe we stop trying and I push for the job? But I really want DC3 and it’s just a first round interview.”

”maybe sack the job interview off and focus on trying? But we might not get pregnant again so why close that door?”

”just keep going on with both? But that’s going to cause such a drama if both come through”

Ugh. Anyway. Thoughts welcome. I’m sick of running this past ChatGPT (apparently I’m brave and wonderful for assessing my life like this 😂🫠)

I was in this position. I went ahead with both. Then when I got offered the job I was sent my new employer’s policies as part of the onboarding process - turns out their enhanced mat pay applies as long as you fall pregnant after beginning employment (worded as “applicable for anyone who has been employed for 41 weeks at the time of the baby’s due date”).

So I’d go for it, see if you get it, then see their mat pay provision and decide whether it’s something you can make work. Even if it was stat, I’d be tempted to make it work if you can (if say you have savings to live off for a few months - bear in mind you’ll be saving a chunk on commuting costs which will help).

I know a lot of people will say children are more important than work, but I don’t agree. They are important in different ways. Your job is a large part of your life, I think it would be sad to wonder “what if” about your career - and it sounds like this much shorter commute would benefit the whole family whether or have 2 children or 3.

Good luck with the interview, and with baby number 3!

Apply for the job and continue to ttc.
There's nothing working with becoming pregnant early on in a new job. Also, you may not get the job or it could take months to conceive.
Do both and go with the flow. Good luck!

We idly considered a third but with late teens now we find ourselves frequently saying thank god we stopped at 2. Friends with 3 have definitely run out of steam.

Due to the economy they need way more financial input than we did. Plus doing all the stages 3 times over! Dear god no. And ours are lovely and easy but still intense. I guess those with three are the ones that absolutely love parenting. Think of yourself the other end by 50 you hit peri lose interest in nurturing and want to start doing your own thing. The ones with 3 are then stuck doing a third exam season….

100% go for the interview. It’s a no-brainier. If you get it and get pregnant, deal with that when it happens.

Go for both and take shorter mat leave. I had DC years ago, before long mat leave was a thing and returned to work at 3 months for one and 6 months for the other...they were/are both fine.

the problem is you wedded to self imposed timelines.

I’d pause TTC and go for the job.

the issue letting you down here is your self imposed time limit for having a baby. You aren’t 45. You can wait a year.

I get that having all kids at primary is convenient and you don’t want huge age gaps. But that’s life! Lots of families have kids with bigger age gaps because of loss/ miscarriages etc/ health problems.

Living 7 minutes from work makes a huge difference to your lifestyle and more than makes up for having a child a year younger than originally planned.

If you only want a 3rd if it happens within a specific time frame then honestly I’d just forget it and move on with your life

Women can’t have it all. Hold off on trying to conceive or put off the new role. Burning the candle at both ends will reduce your quality of life and the children’s quality of life, resulting in a very stressed out household.

Happened to me. Went for the job. Very pleased in hindsight that I did because I don’t think another would have come up that offered quite the same level of flexibility, pay, support and stability that the job, that I stayed in for 15 years, did.

Yes I could have added another baby into the mix but juggling two was enough.

I understand why you want to put a deadline on a third baby. We tried for a third for about a year and had an early miscarriage but when we came back from holiday when DD2 was nearly four we closed the chapter. We went on holiday with no buggies or baby bags in tow, we could sit at the restaurant without any tantrums or having to be rigid about bedtimes. It was bliss. I would have loved a third child and part of me always will but I did not have the mental or physical bandwidth to go back to the baby/toddler years.

Personally I would go for the job, it would make a huge difference to your quality of life not being stuck at that commute. If a baby does come, excellent and I presume you are both on decent salaries so financially you could make it work even if it is frugal living for a period. However, based on your post it does sound like to some extent you have made some peace if you dont have a third.

Because you’ve said financial responsibility is a factor in your decision, I’ll say that a third child is not really a sensible financial decision!

I don’t want to upset you, but it is important to think about what would happen if a new baby wasn’t as healthy as your two older kids. If baby is sick or disabled, or develops SEN as a toddler, you could end up with either an unworkable commute, or a new job where you haven’t earned rights to protect you if you need time off.

Ultimately, nobody here can make the decision for you because we will all instinctively feel either job or baby is the priority, based on our own personal experiences.

Go for both. I started a job when i was 4 months pregnant and then took a reduced maternity leave and worked 3 days initially, then 4 and eventually went full time when little one was in school. It was tough at times but the job was worth the weight in gold. I'm particularly glad as I then got cancer in those years and couldnt have another child, so if i'd waited, I wouldnt have had children at all. However a local job when you do have kids is so important - my job literally just mandated 4dpw in office and my commute is 1h15 each way and i am really going to struggle to manage it (the office moved, not me, before anyone comments that pre-covid we were all in all the time anyway) so go for local, keep TTC and manage the situation as it happens.

I'd say definitely don't sack off the interview. Whether you have another DC or not losing that 3hr commute will make a huge difference to your life

I went back to work six weeks after a c-section and did it again for my second. I did have a lot of support and a day-time nanny though. With the first I stayed in a special convalescent home for new mothers with midwives on hand 24 hours to look after the baby and restaurant quality meals. I had a lovely room overlooking park-like grounds. I can tell you though that I was a lot tireder in my late 30s than I was in my early 30s.

I think if you want both, you should go for both.

Id also say however that I think (if you get both) you’re in for a really hard and difficult few years, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be like that. If you just went for the job, your life would be awesome. I’d also worry about the impact a third would have on my existing children (i have two. I feel with a full on job that I’m already spread thinner than I would like). I put the notion of a third to bed when I got promoted at work and to be honest, I don’t regret it. I thought I would.

DH taking more of the parental leave is the answer here - what’s his package for that?

All this, and they could potentially be nos 3 and 4! Not uncommon apparently.

Do both and start putting money aside now to top up statutory maternity pay. I did this for all my pregnancies so saved the difference between the statutory maternity pay for the duration of the pregnancy and my share of bills etc by the time the baby was born do it wasn't so much of a hit. If you start now should b doable. If you don't end up pregnant then you can spend it on a family holiday.

My DH was self employed. Business owners don’t get the luxury of time off! If op cannot get by without maternity money being enhanced they just don’t have enough money for dc 3. It’s a huge expense and just managing 2 at school is enough!

I’d go for both, personally. But I have three children (5, 3 and 1) and I made the decision that having them was my priority and that I’d be prepared to adjust my career if needed. I’m getting back on track, but I totally accepted taking a bit of a detour.

Start saving as if you need to top up SMP. Consider going back to work a bit earlier if a long mat leave is too much of a stretch. think about how much you might save by working locally if you do get the job? This could offset some of the loss of enhanced mat pay.

Maybe loosen your tight deadline a little bit? Although I understand it - I would like a fourth but only if it happens in the next year, otherwise gap will be too big.

Do everything to get the job.

Don’t tell them you’re trying or when you’re pregnant until 20 weeks. It’s illegal for them to discriminate against you.

You may not get pregnant anyway by your deadline (I’d try for longer at your age) - don’t miss out on the dream job.

Go for the job. Pregnancy and a baby is never guaranteed. Sounds like this job would be great in the longer term for family life. Can you save / cut back now so that you’d have a bit more to supplement stat pay?

Got for both. Remember that you DH can also take on some of the paternity/shared paternity leave. It is not just on you! See if DH would be willing to take spl (my DH wants a 3rd child but not enough to take spl. I was ambivalent but that sealed the deal for me as he's clearly not that interested).

Go for the job- much better for your current children than adding DC3 because they will have you near and there will be more money

If you can’t afford a third without enhanced mat leave, can you actually afford a third?

Agree that - if it happened - your husband taking most of the parental leave would be a sensible option. What’s his package for shared parental leave? They’re often really generous in city jobs (as barely anyone actually takes them).