To cull bday presents/ Xmas presents for nieces

[Kat19852222]

I have a brother who is older who I rarely see we both work complete opposite schedules so rarely see each other I have tried to make an effort to see my 2 nieces (4 and 7) but it’s never reciprocated he never replies to messages or answers his phone, last saw him xmas last year and his wife (my SIL) is not the easiest person to get on with. The reason I am posting is that I’m wanted to stop giving gifts for bdays and Xmas as we have to buy for 2 and we only have 1 child (9 year old male). I always ask what the girls want but get the same answer ‘just money’ when my son was younger we were grateful for whatever they gave and never asked for anything specific. I have bought the youngest expensive dolls like Annabell and my generation and the oldest Lego friends sets, always get the same sarcastic comments after like oh yeah they liked them for 5 minutes, never get a thank you or nothing. Last Christmas my son got a cheap slime set what was on offer in Aldi and a colouring set?! ( he was 8 at the time and hasn’t been into colouring for years) I still thanked her for them but never get thanks back. His bday is in 2 weeks and I’m tempted to tell her to just not bother and I’ll do the same, fed up of making an effort choosing nice gifts and it never being appreciated, thoughts?

like I said above we’re grateful for whatever he gets tbh I don’t expect anything tbh. I don’t begrudge giving money but don’t like being told to give it, iv never once asked for money for my son who’s significantly older,

Just give the kids selection boxes.
Unless they have allergies ?

Absolutely stop buying presents, they sound rude and ungrateful.

Smyths toys voucher if you are going to do a present. If not maybe saying "would you be up for pooling the money we would use for bday presents and when we get a chance to see each other we can have a meal/day out somewhere nice". If they choose not to meet then that's on them and it's not like you haven't been making the effort. You could still do cards. X

Thats the point where I would have stopped giving gifts,

So give money like he said when you asked!

But why? Why should the OP give anything to a family that want no relationship with hers?

Why would I give money when my son doesn’t get money just crap from Aldi toy aisle!

why should I spend £50 x 2 =£100.00 on there 2 kids whilst my son barely gets £20 of them!

Just give them £10 in a card, or nothing if you don't want to. No need for £50 each, that's a lot of money for a 4 year old.

It’s a bit mean knocking gifts on the head when the kids are that age, can’t you just give a token gift of a selection box or box of sweets. Shows you care and kids like having a gift to open. It doesn’t need to be expensive just a little bit of something. I can’t get on board with the whole I only have 1 child they have two as unless you’re really hard up it’s just a child receiving a gift not tit for tat and shouldn’t be about money!

I guess this depends on whether you value your relationship with your nieces and appreciate it is separate to your relationship with your brother - and they are not responsible for what he does.

I send £20 to my nephews at Christmas and birthdays. Haven't seen them or my brother for years. 2 of them earn a lot more than me and I will stop at some point but there is a big age gap so youngest is still a teenager. My brother sends the same ish to my kids but that's not why I do it.

To send cash in a card is very easy but let's them know I am thinking of them.

If I was you I would stick £20 in a card for birthdays and Christmas and worry no more about it (which is very freeing). Your brother being tight or crap at buying presents doesn't mean you have to be. If £20 is difficult for you then £10 or even £5.

Because when you give people gifts, especially children, you don't tot up the reciprocated value and effort.

You obviously don't want to continue buying for them, you actually sound quite bitter about it. You're adamant, so simply stop gifting. This thread is rather pointless, if all you wanted was a rant & a pat on the back!

Im sure their parents will give them gifts to open, it's not mean at all.

Actually I was asking for advise and peoples opinions to see if they’d experienced anything similar! Not bitter at all I’d happily continue buying them gifts if I knew they were appreciated!

I'd get a toy shop voucher. It won't be taken by rhe parents, ita close enough to money, it doesn't take loads of effort from you, and the kids will enjoy picking something out

And I would keep buying. You never know what's going to happen. If they split up for example you might see more of them. When they get their own phones you might be able to contact them directly. Also maybe if you want a relationship wirh them you could offer to take them out/ have them over without your sister in law or brother being there (if you haven't already and want a relationship with them or want to build a relationship between cousins)

This

Like OP I'll give money happily, but strongly dislike being asked for it - I'll make my own mind up about that thanks all the same - but as you say I've never known a 4 and 7 year old who'd rather have cash than a rustling package to tear open

Why don’t you send the girls a card, but write in it that you’d love to take them for a treat for their birthday? That way the message is definitely getting passed to them that you’re trying to do something with them.

Otherwise, I’d do a £10 book voucher or just stick to a card. Maybe send a selection box at Christmas etc.

I stopped buying for my friend's girls simply because I never, ever got a thank you. When mentioned, she laughed and said they were so rude but they were only really young. My own kids said I had made them meals etc but pointed out my friend never bought them so much as a bag of sweets.

Whose birthday is next? Ideally it will be your son’s. Then they’ve made it easy for you.
Hi Darren and Sharon. Shall we stop the presents for the children as I’m clearly not good at it! No point in all of us buying stuff that won’t get used’.
Then they can decide they don’t want that and get your son something or agree and problem solved. Sounds like they have enough money for their children to not go without.

You need to take back control. Message them saying that with the increasing cost of living/cost of postage you feel this is a good time to stop sending presents to the kids. That they all get far too much anyway etc. and just to stick to cards. You can use the money that you save to buy something nice for your son. Present it as a fait accompli. Don't get into an argument.

I’d send a book token, less impersonal than cash and allows them get what they want and it’s hard for the parents to object to without making themselves look bad.

I did that too with the children of some friends. Friends close enough that the man was our son’s Godfather. We never got a thank you from the children (or the parents for that matter) so I stopped sending them anything.
After the first time that I sent just a card the father had the nerve to call and ask where his son’s birthday present was.

After years of crap presents and sometimes nothing from a sibling. I texted, we are no longer gifting presents for Christmas and birthdays due to financial constraints. So please do not buy my children anything as I will not be able to reciprocate. I will still be sending cards. He grumbled as his children enjoyed our presents! Missed the point that mine often received nothing from him! I extended it to my cousins children the year after as I was happy to receive less crap. Now I only buy for parent, husband and children. It’s great! We save so much money and don’t have to think about anyone else.

Iv messaged her today saying I can’t afford it anymore she’s not taken it well suppose they didn’t have to buy as much as I got such nice stuff like Annabell, baby born stuff whereas my son just got tat!